Just found out the truth :-(

I feel very sorry for you, must be in shock look at it he is an addict like me.He probably doesn't mean to hurt you. The only thing i can suggest is Go for Gamcare councelling go in chatroom everyday if you wish lot's of good people with good therapy advice

Best Wishes

Johnny57

Hi kittiekat the first thing to do is secure finances. Block his access. Cancel those cards. His debt comes last. He can join gamstop, self exclude, download software to gadgets. Counselling is great but doesnt last forever. GA and gamanon for you. We have all been deceived but it's what you do now that is important. The debt is for him to sort out not you. Don't be manipulated anymore. If he can't pay the debt he can call stepchange. Debtcamel is a good website for advice. I read a book called 'codependent no more '. You need support too.

Firstly you're not complicit in what he's done. All you've done is trust someone who should have had yours and the family's best interests at heart. We've all been there but it doesn't mean we have to carry on letting them make mugs of us.

Secure the finances, check every credit report out there and don't be too understanding. That leaves you open to manipulation.

What does he have to say about getting stringent blocks into place, paying off his debt and finding help in the shape of counselling and GA meetings?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. He has been referred through Gamcare for 1:1 counselling. I have had software put on iPad and phone to block any gaming sites and his personal account has been shut down. At the moment we can afford to keep making payments to the credit cards but I want to block usage of them any more - will ask him tomorrow to call each one and ask for a block. I have taken his debit card from him but he can still access the joint account online. Ironically he’s said knowing that I could see any transactions has always stopped him before - hence not using the joint account but I’m worried that by going “cold turkey” what will he resort to? The current credit cards debt is pretty much maxed out but I don’t know whether he could apply for a new one ??? It’s really early days for me but I’m already feeling stronger than 2 days ago and my eldest daughter is on board with me.

I really dislike the fact that our relationship is going to have to fundamentally change after 30years of marriage - having raised three children I feel I now have another difficult adolescent to manage and set boundaries with. Coming to terms with his MS and becoming his carer has been difficult enough. I will get some more counselling for me to work through my feelings and only time will tell if I have the reliance to stick with it.

Get credit reports from all three agencies via Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's Credit Club. Look at your own while you're about it. It's not unheard of for them to take out credit in a partner's name. They will show you if there's anything he hasn't disclosed (common amongst CG's) and any secret bank accounts. I have set up alerts (paid for service) from Noddle which email me if anything changes in between updates. I think Experian offer that on their paid for service too.

Nothing will stop them gambling if they're determined to (Mr L drained the kids savings through my son's bank account) but you can go some way towards mitigating the possibility through credit reports and through warning anyone you can think of who might fall for a sob story. I know its easier said than done but once you have control of and access to everything (I still open post if I feel it's warranted) you really have to try not to let the worry about what they're up to become all consuming.

It's good you have someone to support you and to talk things through. Don't hesitate to do that with anyone you think will help. Keeping secrets for a CG is another thing a lot of us here have found doesn't end well. It's now about protecting you and your interests and sanity. There's a wealth of advice and support out there for him and it's his responsibility to access it.

KittieKat wrote:

hence not using the joint account but I’m worried that by going “cold turkey” what will he resort to? The current credit cards debt is pretty much maxed out but I don’t know whether he could apply for a new one ??? It’s really early days for me but I’m already feeling stronger than 2 days ago and my eldest daughter is on board with me.

I feel I now have another difficult adolescent to manage and set boundaries with. Coming to terms with his MS and becoming his carer has been difficult enough. I will get some more counselling for me to work through my feelings and only time will tell if I have the reliance to stick with it.

I hope a Cynical Wife posts on this thread. She will give you some really good advice.

On a practical level - it's not really cold turkey. There are no physocal withdrawal sysmptoms.

Almost all compulsives can stop for a few days / weeks without much problem as they run out of cash or credit.

Its stopping for the long run that's the hard bit.

He is not an adolescent for you to manage. It's his problem.

In terms of practical steps he must self exclude with gamstop. It's by far the most effective route to prevent gambling online. Everything else can be cicumvented. Almost certainly he will have photos of his cards on his phone or email as that's generally required for withdrawing money from betting sites.

Change the joint account password so he doesn't have access, don't put any debts in your own name, ask him to contact stepchange the debt charity.

Are the credit cards in his name or jointly held ? Bankruptcy may be an option.

If he has always worked he should have a decent pension. Beware that although pensions aren't considered in Bankrupty, the rules change once you (he) is 55 and may be able to draw a lump sum. How are you going to fund your retirement ?

What does his pension provide for a spouse post his death ?

Half that pension would be considered yours in the event of a divorce. How would you feel if he drew most of that pension and squandered it ?

Thank you K2 - your practical advise has been very helpful for me. All the credit cards have now been blocked. I’ve been considering a consolidation loan but have decided against this as it would only possibly allow him to open more credit cards. (Which he’s done in the past before I was aware of the gambling problem) He has accepted that the current debt is his responsibility to pay. I’m only allowing him to have a small amount of cash each day and will see if anything comes out of the joint account. Counselling should start soon and he’s also said he will go to group meetings.

Our finances are joint as I am his carer with no other income myself. We are being able to have some good open dialogue at the moment but I’m very mindful that some of what is being said I’ve heard many times before ! This site is proving invaluable to me - I’m so grateful there is so much help out there

Just to add to the above - when he took early retirement last year due to ill health he was able to draw down the tax free lump sum - which has gone !! He had three different pensions and at the time they were all consolidated and reinvested by a trusted financial advisor. The pension will come to me in the event of him dying before me. Because of his disability and the fact that our only income now is a combination of benefits paid him plus permanent health insurance I also made sure that we took out life insurance so the mortgage would be paid off in the event of his death and would provide me with a small lump sum. The focus for me now is to stop him having any more access to money and support him getting the help he needs along with maintaining my own sanity.

See receipts for anything he says he's spent the cash on. Even small change can be enough fuel to keep the fire burning.

Hi KittieKat,

Sorry to hear about your situation. All the advice here you have received is ideal. It was already mentioned but Gamstop is a site where you can register his details and it will block all UK licenced sites (they will have all operators signed up to this by the end of the year apparently). In other words if he was to gamble online or sign up with a new site he would be unable to do so.

Merry go round wrote:

Hi kittiekat the first thing to do is secure finances. Block his access. Cancel those cards. His debt comes last. He can join gamstop, self exclude, download software to gadgets. Counselling is great but doesnt last forever. GA and gamanon for you. We have all been deceived but it's what you do now that is important. The debt is for him to sort out not you. Don't be manipulated anymore. If he can't pay the debt he can call stepchange. Debtcamel is a good website for advice. I read a book called 'codependent no more '. You need support too.

Thank you for your advice - I have downloaded “codependent no more” and am finding it very enlightening - we also have a daughter with a chronic medical condition and my life has also been consumed with that - possibly why I’ve allowed him to deal with the money in the past! I can clearly recognise that I need help too and now I have done what I can to secure future finances I need to “detach” .

Hi kittiekat, I'm glad something helped. Find a gamanon meeting if you want real life support from others who have experienced this. I hope things are improving and your husband is seeking help too.

So I’m 3 weeks on from discovering the truth - I feel I have done everything in my power with the help of all of your advice to starve him of cash. I’ve taken legal advice on how I can protect myself financially in the future and I’ve dug deep to work out I really can see if our marriage can survive this. I’ve been told that I can only be fully financially protected by divorcing him and I’m prepared to do this. With the length of time he has deceived me and the amount of money lost through gambling over our 30 year marriage, all the stress I’ve already lived through which has damaged me physically and mentally and the times I’ve had to live the life of a pauper, including have to sell family possessions at car boots to put food on the table, I need the opportunity for me to have a secure life ahead of me. He’s not wanting a divorce - has refused to move out but I’m going ahead. I’m determined to stay civil with him for our adult children’s sake so we can have some semblance of a “happy”’xmas. He believes he can get fixed and is saying he feels physically sick at the thought of gambling. I don’t believe I will ever trust him again and I’m questioning whether any love I have for him even exists after this so I just can’t see how we can stay together. I’d be interested in hearing from anyone else who has gone down this route - thank you for reading

Hi Kittie x firstly a big hug from me to you x you deserve one x i am a cg, eventually my partner though we did not live together and my gambling never harmed her financially dumped me x and quite right too x i made greedy choices x and even though my partner and kids gave me great support and helped me downsize to assist with finances x i still secretly carried on gambling x i now live alone have very few friends and spend most week-ends alone x that is my fault x i did not listen to the advice x i agree with u x u need to move on x he will as i am always be a gambler x it is his fault as it is mine that i have ruined my life x i chose to gamble x i must deal with the consequences x so leave divorce move out x its your life and he is ruining it x as i ruined my partners x she has now moved on i am very happy for her x she is a lovely kind person x she did not deserve me x