Yesterday my husband confessed that he is seriously in debt and has gambled away a lot of money. He won't give me an amount but says it is thousands. He has not touched any of the money in our joint account and has been careful to hide his tracks. I've told him that he needs to get help, but he refuses and says that he has stopped. If I try to push the issue he gets angry and says he wishes that he had never told me. He says it has been going on for about 2 years, during that time he has become more miserable and depressed and just downright horrible to me. Part of me thinks I should just use this as an excuse to leave him, but I we have 2 children and I would love to have back the man he used to be.
He has agreed to give me sole access to our joint account but will not let me see his current account, I'm concerned that he is stil not telling me everything. I just feel I don't know him at all anymore and know that he needs help. We've worked hard to put ourselves in a good financial position for the future. If I try to talk to him he says I'm being horrible to him and not understanding. He is constantly accusing me of having an affair, which I am not, is this a way to ease his guilt or what? What should I do?
Hi
I'm sorry to see this. I'm also sorry to see that he's refusing full disclosure and getting angry if you press for details as you have every right to do. Sadly that along with the anger, denial and secrecy doesn't bode well and you are right to be concerned. Follow your instincts. My advice would be to make absoutely sure he can't access the household finances, your own accounts or any savings the kids may have along with cash and valuables. Try and establish the true amount of debt with access to credit reports from all three agencies. Once you've locked down the finances you have breathing space to decide what to do next. Read up on the addcition and get any RL support you need. If he's committed to recovery he should be willing to do whatever it takes without carping but if he doesn't want to stop gambling he won't. Your choices then lie with how much if any of the appalling behaviour and financial uncertainty life with an active CG entails you are willing to tolerate.
Think about what you and the children want and deserve. Unless he stops you're the only one who will.
Coming from someone who's got form it definitely sounds like he his hiding the true reality of what is going on, my Mrs said to me your have 1 hour with no grilling, 1 hour to be honest. Be truthful for one hour and tell me what's going on. Failing that from past experience you may never know the full extent until he hits the wall (no where else to turn). I hope it doesn't get to that stage...God Bless...all the best...
Thank you for your advice, it is really helpful as it is the first time I have had to deal with anything like this. I now have full access to all of our joint savings, although he won't allow me to have control of his personal account, I think he is still in denial about the problem. I have already done a credit check, but only with 1 agency so will look at the others. I'd never thought about the valuables, but have just checked the safe and it's all still there (well it's not anymore as I have put it somewhere else, just in case)!
Trying to persuade him to get some help is the next step, i don't think he'll go for counselling, but will try to get him to look at forums and maybe support groups, then try to move on from there. I've never posted on a forum before, thank you for your support.
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