Just when I thought he couldnt be any more hurtful

Hi as67

He's a bloody spiteful, ungrateful sod isn't he?

He is blaming you and your husband for all of his woes, because you won't bail him out. If you do bail him out, you know exactly what is going to happen - the gambling cycle will repeat, and he will drain you of everything, both financially and emotionally. I know I am repeating myself but tough love is hard to deal out. You do it because you know it is the right thing for him at this time. Don't falter.

Since he has rejected your contact, I would leave him be. Whether or not he is sorry for what he has said I can't tell you. Either way, for me he has crossed a line.I think any future contact, if you do want any, should be initiated by him. However, if he does contact you, don't be talked into any form of bailout. Stay strong.

Have you thought about speaking to someone - Gamcare counsellor on the phone? I have never been in your situation but I learned in my early recovery from gambling that talking to someone, even over the phone helps. A good cry never hurt anyone, it helps to ease the worries.

Take care 🙁

Hi as67,

I also think it feels so much like grief. A part of my life has changed and gone and we are obviously going to mourn that. My husband was so much worse this time and he stood looking me square in my face while I was hurt and crying and he told me I was a weak coward and I should kill myself because I will always be weak. It was a stab to the heart. In the end I relented and gave him his bank card, I couldn't take anymore. So here I am, haven't seen him for days and im going to continue to have as little contact as possible. I need to do this to heal. I think you need to do the same. The words they keep throwing do hurt no matter how much you try to block them out or think they are just saying it due to addiction then you start to doubt yourself all over again as to what you could have changed/done better. The answer is nothing and nothing you have done is to blame for his actions and choices.

I have nights where I sleep like a baby, then nights like last night, filled with nightmares and constant waking up. It's so hard and I do feel your pain. Let him come to you because I'm sure eventually he will, he will have to pick himself up at some point. Look after yourself because that's sure as hell what I'm going to do! Haven't we been through enough? Haven't we tried our dammed hardest? From your posts I would definitely say you have. The power is not in your hands and you are in no way to blame. I wish you all the luck in the world in getting through this, you deserve it xx

With my sensible head on, I would ask you how you think reestablishing contact will go? Imagine the conversation. I dont think he is in a position at the moment where that's going to work, he will just use it as an excuse to lash out even more. When he wants to talk he will talk, it wont be abusive.

With my heart, i know what you're feeling and I think I've said somewhere else about how much I find the whole experience to be like grief abd to let ouselves grieve for our lost expectations of lives and our lost expectations of people. We have to let the pain fall into the past somehow and move forward with what we have got. Just as when we grieve after a bereavement, we cannot see a future without this pain, the truth is that there is, time is a healer and the world keeps moving and we do find the ability to laugh and love again even though the world has changed.

We have to want to feel better if we are to feel better, but i think we are allowed some grief along the way too, the pain needs to be acknowledged.

You're doing the right thing, stay strong.

Hi guys

Thank you for your wise word. Wal1957 you are right he really is an ungrateful sod, and a lot more than that, the way he behaves you'd think we'd kept him locked in a basement all his life and beat him. I go from wanting to hug him to scream at him and to want to slap him really hard, Im ashamed to say Ive already done that once after he said something particularly bad. I was scared that I was pushed to the point where I lashed out, totally out of character for me, I did learn after that to walk away from him when he was like that. Oh Gem, I wish I could give you a massive hug, your husband sounds as ill as my son, I hope some day they see the heartache theyve caused. Ive had some awful things said to me, yesterday was only one of many, a few months ago I said to him "you only get one Mum" and he should count his self lucky that he still had me after the way hes behaved. My Mum died a few years ago- his reply was just as well shes dead so she cant see what a pathetic low life I am, that was the time I slapped him, I was beyond angry, I was rageing, I dont ever want to feel like that again. Many years ago after my Dad died I got awful depression and felt like I was in a big black hole I couldnt climb out of, I got help and got better, and at this moment I feel like Im sitting on the edge of that same hole looking in again and that scares the hell out of me, I wont let that happen again for anyone not even my own child, so I need to get myselff together somehow. Pangolin wise as always you have a way of explaining things far better than I can, like you say after a bereavement you think how can I ever go back to any kind of normal life and that you will never be happy again but we do, so I think I just need to give myself some time. I tell myself not cry and to get a grip, some days are ok and I just get on with things, I seem to spend a lot of my time distracting mysellf, and other days I could cry all day. When it is bereavement it s okay to to feel sad and people expect that, with this I feel like Im hiding some awful secret and cant let anyone see just how awful I feel. I do want to feel better and I will go back to one of the first things you told me "be kind to yourself and do something nice each day", I think I forgot that for a while. Life does go on, I'll keep trying to do normal as I call it and try not to think too far in to the future, - one of my biggest failings, and just take it one day at a time. I wont try and make any contact again, I cant take another round of abuse from him, I wont let him cause me any more upset than he already has. We did intially tell him it was just for a few weeks but weve decided its for as long as it takes, he wont be coming home while hes as ill as he is, this is our home and its supposed to be a place where we feel safe and happy, and I havent felt either for a long time. We made the right decision telling him to leave and we'll continue to use tough love no matter how bad it gets and hopefully some day he will understand. Thanks again guys I always feel better and stronger for your support.

GemLou Im thinking of you, I hope you have a better day today 🙂 xx

Hi as67

I joined this forum about 5-6 years ago under a different non-de-plume etc. After participating for a year or so I stopped visiting. So I came back as wal1957.

During my earlier visit, there was a mum who had a son that gave her unimaginable grief. I went back to her original first posting and read of her heroic efforts to save her son from this terrible addiction.It took me about 4 days to read it in its entirety. I think her journey was over 2 or more years. I was still a bit raw from my gambling days then so I think it really hit me. I can still remember the tears as I read of what she was going thru.

I wrote to her and said something along these lines...' Hold your head up high, you have gone above and beyond what could ever be expected of a mum. I would be proud to have had you as my mum."

And so I pass onto you those similar words....:)

Take care

Aww wal, thats so kind of you to say makes me feel a little better.

Thank you

Ann

Once again, I too echo those sentiments!

Today you live with fear wrapped round your heart instead of in your face every day...It hurts but it is better for you this way! My mother isn't violent but enabling her for decades: first her mother, then both of us & now still me if it came to the cruch I suspect 🙁 has gotten her to retirement age unable to break free from her shackles! It's no-where near what you are going through but I hate that throughout my 3 decades-ish of destruction, she has never once stood up & told me to get help! She has twisted my words when I won't bail her out & pointed the finger @ me being much worse than she is, laughed in my face when I say she has a problem & taken my money but never tried to help! You must hold your head up no matter how heavy it feels & be proud that you are doing the right thing! You don't need to set rules about when you contact him, he is your boy! I would say don't phone as this can be distracting & may be an excuse for him to be mean but drop him a text if you want to, just be prepared to delete what he sends without taking it to heart!

Keep fighting Ann - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT

You are right as painful as this is it is better for us if he stays away , its painful either way and some days its hard to know which is worse but when Ive got my level head on I know this is right. I cant change him, he has to do that and its rubbish which ever way you look at it, but I can change me and thats what I intend to do.

As a mother I find it difficult to understand how another mother cant fight tooth and nail for her child, it must be incredibly hard for you to hear some of things shes said to you. It does show just how powerful the addiction is for her to act in this way because it goes against our instinct to protect. Maybe your Mum cant say what you need to hear but Im telling you're doing great, maybe you're not where you want to be yet but you are here talking which as we know can only be a good thing. Your support helps people like me, Id bet your Mum has never done that so be proud of what you are doing.

Thank you for your support 🙂