Well after lurking for over a month thinking I could cope on my own, I need to move forward so here goes ! Selfishly it will most probably be all about me and my struggle with my partners gambling of 30 years.
I have found out he is at it again after 30 years and now the 4th time of getting caught out I have some very tough decisions to make again ! I am so angry, in 2009 after the 3rd time of finding out and helping him we sold our family home and split the proceeds for him to sort his debts out himself, I went into private rented accomodation he managed to get housing assocation flat, no longer financially attached but still a couple. We have continued our relationship and I thought it had helped us... little did I know 🙁
In October he locked himself out of his email account and for some unknown reason its still attached to the mail account and only I could reset the password, oh what a can of worms that opened loans, credit cards and payday loans. I confronted him and he said yes but it was uncontrol, I then couldn't stop checking the emails and see the continual gambling. Off we go on our planned holiday and the big discussion explaining the deceit and hurt it caused me, also a reminder of how much I gave up to help him resolve this 3 times before and how I didn't think I could go through it again the imortal words 'you mean more to me than gambling I won't do it again' !!! I suggested he get some counselling suggested he come here but not happened. And because I can access his email I can see the amount he is gambling. Now the dilema I know its not my problem, I already distanced myself financially in 2009 whats my problem, I don't know is it the lies and secret life - oh no I think I am coming to a conclusion as I type,I think I need help because I don't know what to do
I'm reading this and it sounds like your confused.
You want control because he has non.
Your financially and physically separate. Your together but not.
You still try to fix him, with his issues even though your safe aside. He isn't going to change because he isn't ready, that's one thing I learnt here.
I had a feeling this last 2 weeks my other halves up to it again.
And had it confirmed innocently by a friend who saw him today!
Welcome to the Forum Desperatepartner,
It is positive to see that you are accessing the support from the forums and our service. You have taken some positive steps to seperate yourself financially from the problem gambling, and accessing the support through the forum can help by speaking with people who have had similar experiences.
It is also important that you look after yourself not just financially but also emotionally, as it can be easy when trying to help and support a problem gambler that you forget about your own emotions and wellbeing. You can also contact our netline and helpline
we can provide you of further details of services you can access for support for yourself.
Thank you
Take Care
Forum Admin Team
Very confused , I really don't want control I've done that, maybe you mean control over myself ! I think I want him to take responsibility but like you say he isn't going to change
Thepartner12 wrote: I'm reading this and it sounds like your confused. You want control because he has non. Your financially and physically separate. Your together but not. You still try to fix him, with his issues even though your safe aside. He isn't going to change because he isn't ready, that's one thing I learnt here. I had a feeling this last 2 weeks my other halves up to it again. And had it confirmed innocently by a friend who saw him today!
Hi dp, welcome to the forum 🙂
I don't want to second guess what conclusion you've drawn but if he wants you more than gambling then it's about time he shows it! In his defence he may love you very much...My mum is also a CG & I cannot question her love for me but she cannot stop for me either. A CG has to want to do that for themselves. The love for gambling isn't the same as the love for people but the pull is incredibly strong! Bit late for me to tell you never to bail a gambler out but I do wonder how he managed to afford a holiday whilst in the hole. As you say, it isn't the money that hurts you, it's the deceit! For us, although most of us can't see past the pounds, the reality is addiction runs much deeper. The money is just an excuse because one day it will make us rich & all our troubles will be over...Reality is we can't win because we can't stop & I know for me, I only wanted to be rich so I could gamble guilt free. Not sure how that would ever happen chucking thousands into £500 payout machines but such is the madness of this addiction.
This is a great place for support although it can be a bit slow time getting responses. The Netline is available though & there are online chat groups a couple of times a day. The people on here who have used GamAnon (support group for loved ones) have always spoken very favourably of it. 30 years is a long time to give your heart to someone & after all your sacrifices it must be exhausting to know it's pulling you apart again but no-one deserves to be hurt like you are! You will have some difficult choices to make going forwards about what you are willing to put up with because you do need to start calling the shots, start looking after you because he isn't!
Be strong - ODAAT
I'm writing in how I feel,it's no necessarily how you feel. But regardless whether it's control over yourself or him or for him to grow up.
I see it as a control over your life him being part of it. I honestly had not that my partner had lapsed but he did. He went yday and I got a innocent txt saying oh I saw him off a friend who hadn't realised he'd an addict.
It's come round to my fault again. I'm glad non of your messages states he blames you or pushes on to you.
But unfortunately I've yet to find a path where I am relaxed. If we stay together I sweat every month. If we split I sweat for the inevitable conversation to the children we share.
I think you need to distance yourself. And see if you can imagine your life panned out with out him.. can you see yourself moving forward or is he who you want? If he is who you want you both need to attend councilling to deal with the burden.
Goodluck
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