Hi
A month ago I discovered that my husband has 'fell off the wagon' again and has built up a significant gambling debt over a 6 month period. This first happened 14 years ago with a considerable amount. We remortgaged and discussed it and I never doubted giving him a 2nd chance (I was also pregnant with our first child). 2 years later and pregnant with our 2nd, gambling reared its ugly head. Loan took on to pay debts.
There has been a 3rd occasion but to be honest I can't recall when...
My husband was made redundant 6 years ago and was given a decent pay off which enabled us to move house and pay off all credit cards and loans that were pretty much gambling debts.
4 years passed and then 15 months ago I discovered a relapse but 'only' for £500. I was gutted and felt every last bit of love for my husband in my heart disappear. I struggled in not knowing whether to go or stay. I chose to stay but spent the first part of last year struggling and trying to get back to some sort of normal. I told him how hard that last time hit me and that I seriously debated leaving him. I insisted he sought counselling but he said with my support he'd never do it again and how sorry he was.
However, a month ago I managed to get hold of his phone to reveal an online account and also internet history revealing a secret credit card for £8k. I confronted him the next day where he broke down and told me he'd 'been stupid' again. The £8k debt transpired to be to the amount to £22k.
The first thing I did was take my wedding rings off and told him we were over. This is a decision I feel I have no choice in. We have 3 children and I feel like I need to protect them and myself. I have told him I will do all I can to support him but that I want to separate. It's not a decision I've made lightly and one I never thought I'd have to make. He doesn't seem to understand my decision and tonight as I type this he has left the house and gone god knows where. I think He resents me for walking away and letting everything that we've worked so hard to build be destroyed. Just as I think he understands we're over, he asks if there's anything that will save us and when I tell him I can't do it anymore he's so angry. I honestly don't have the strength to endure anymore.
Advise needed- am I being selfish?
Thanks
Morning,
Sorry to hear what's happening.
Nothing selfish about having had enough. It's vital to put your own interests first and your kids need you to protect them. It's absolutely not your job to save your husband from himself, tolerating the intolerable in the name of saving his tortured soul helps no one and results in chaos. However, beware of giving any ultimatums unless you are fully prepared to follow them through, multiple and repeated "final chances" are not helpful. Better if he realises exactly where the boundaries are so that they can be enforced. Gambling has consequences and it's better for him to understand the link between his actions and financial hardship or between his actions and the responses of his family.
To cope with your problem (being the effect that his actions have on you), help and support and accurate information are all vital. You can't do it alone. Read the forum, use the Helpline and try GamAnon meetings. Get real life support for you and look after you.
In practical terms, separate your finances as far as you can and get credit reports in your name and his from all three credit reference agencies so that you can verify the extent of the debt. You may want to take legal advice and if on line is a risk, install blocking software or reset your internet provider's parental blockers.
GA see gambling as an illness that can be arrested but never cured. Contrary to the broken promises and empty words, active CGs don't just stop without a real commitment to overcome the addiction and to achieve personal growth. That means habitual barriers plus meetings / counselling plus transparency and openness. Actions really do speak louder than words, I have seen the difference between my husband's half measures to get me off his back and a serious commitment to doing what it takes to work on his addiction. I stayed, but nothing's easy and being a long term problem, the timescale for things to improve for us is also long term, whether we stay or go.
Hope this helps, look after you.
CW
Broke my heart reading this, but i just wanted to add a couple of things. Firstly Cynical Wife gives a fair and balanced view of gambling addiction. Sadly there is no cure, but there is hope if the gambler wants to chance and commits to a program of recovery. I'm guessing he's never done any counselling / been to GA?
The picture I have in my head is of you as a mother tiger crouching over her 3 kids and trying to keep them safe.
Sounds like you maybe in survival mode and my only suggestion would be to fully make sure you are making the right decision. Have you explored any of the counselling - either gambling or marriage? have you been to gam-anon or contacted gamcare by phone to get extra help? Just to say there are options there for you if you want them.
I hope I'm ok in making these suggestions from experience but i want to thankyou for opening up yourself. Its the hardest thing and as a gambler in recovery today, i know i need to give 100% commitment to my illness.
All the best tri
Thanks for your comments. Me and hubbie have been away for the night as a chance to spend time away from everything and talk. As hard as it is, I think I've come to be at peace with my decision that I have felt very low since the time before last and never felt brave enough to say so. It's been a decision that I think I made 15 months ago. Gambling makes a person become very selfish and not through any malice. I have come to a point whereby I can take the plunge to leave, however he will always be the father of my kids and hopefully my friend and I will continue to support him as much as I can.
As an aside, I am also going to make an appointment to go and see a counseller myself to deal with the emotions that it's caused on me but that I think I've just kept in a box, hidden.
Wishing all cg's and their families much strength and luck x
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