Living with a CG

Hi Miss JJ

Once in action a CG has no thought of anything beyond the next hit. As you've found everything else comes a very poor second. They live in a dreamworld where the big win that's going to put everything right is 'owed' to them and just round the corner. Truth is even if it did come in it would be a short term loan from the bookies and repaid probably with interest in the form of further deposits of their own funds within a matter of days if not hours.

It sounds as though your partner is making all the right noises but it would be very unwise to trust anything he says without seeing cold hard proof for yourself and that will need to be an ongoing thing. It's absolutely fine not to trust him round money now and going forward. If he means what he says he will understand and accept that it's his own actions that have caused it. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he likes although he never asks but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.

Thanks Lethe for your response! It's hard trying to come to terms with this. I'm finding the whole situation a little surreal at the moment. I'm very practically minded and trying to busy myself with stabilising the finances and securing my own financial situation however the betrayal just sickens me! I feel like I don't know who he is anymore and that worries me. I just keep taking one day at a time and hope that we can find a way through this!

Thanks Lethe for your response! It's hard trying to come to terms with this. I'm finding the whole situation a little surreal at the moment. I'm very practically minded and trying to busy myself with stabilising the finances and securing my own financial situation however the betrayal just sickens me! I feel like I don't know who he is anymore and that worries me. I just keep taking one day at a time and hope that we can find a way through this!

So I'm having a rough day! I've been checking the credit report today and whilst there's no new debt mr jj has defaulted on most of the loans and missed credit card payments which means that the numbers are just going up and up as sanctions and interest are being added! He's on a dmp but the numbers aren't adding up and we'll never clear this with what we can afford to pay if this keeps happening! Has anyone got any useful tips and advice on negotiating with lenders? I'm starting to get really worried that I'm going to lose my home and the uncertainty isn't helping my ability to cope with all this! Feel like I'm bailing out a sinking ship with a thimble. Feeling so out of control and powerless - looking for some light in this massively long and dark tunnel.

Hello Miss JJ

I think you should get proffesional advice regarding your financial situation using organisations such as the national debt helpline. It is a free debt helpline that will be able to offer you more accurate advice than the forum.

I know you mentioned in your original post you had access to his bank account but do you have full control of his finances? If not I would suggest doing this.

Also try getting the information regarding your finances sooner rather than later because the sitation is evidently causing stress and anxiety and it can have a serious impact on your health. I'm speaking from experience and if you take a read of some of the stories on the new members intro forum you will see your health can detaraiote from the worry.

All the best sorting your situation out, you can do it.

Are the defaulted loans and credit cards in the DMP? Because if they are the lenders shouldn't be adding charges or interest so long as the agreed amount is being paid. If they are not maybe they could be added in. Either way I think his first stop needs to be with the DMP provider and maybe CAB too. You do need professional advice on this. It's very hard to make any sense of the mess in the early stages. One other point - it's worth remembering that even if the correct payments have been made under a DMP lenders will still issue defaults to protect their legal position.

Thanks Josh - I'm all over the family finances but the hard cold facts are that there's way too much month left at the end of the money! Even with the back to basics approach I'm enforcing we still can't afford the minimum payments on the long list of debts! The dmp just isn't pacifying the lenders (mostly unscrupulous ones) who keep adding interest at ridiculous rates as well as missed payment fees etc etc! Desperately trying to avoid bankruptcy as will definitely lose our home but this is fast becoming a reality! Currently working with stepchange to find a solution. You are right in saying that the stress and anxiety impacts on overall health - I haven't slept properly in weeks and generally feel completely wrung out. Just hoping to use the collective wisdom of the forum and experience of those that have walked a mile in these shoes to deal with impact of this vile illness!

Ouch, good to hear you have contacted Stepchange but what about some suppprt for you having to figure out this mess. Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? Would you consider having counselling via the website? The money is one thing but the hows & whys are something else & when you're not paddling furiously to try & keep your heads above water, your emotions may threaten to overwhelm you 🙁

Sorry I have no advice on negotiating with unscrupulous lenders, just wanted to welcome you to the forum & suggest that you get as much help as possible for you - ODAAT

Thanks all, I've had an assessment today for counselling- it felt really good to talk to someone. Hopefully I won't be on the waiting list too long! Attending meetings would be tough at the moment both my partner and I are shift workers and childcare always a problem. On a more positive note - I've seen a financial advisor and it looks like the refinancing of our home is possible which whilst not solving all the debt issues should keep the wolves from the door for now! Mr JJ is still attending GA where shifts allow and still committed to a gamble free life and still living with the rules which essentially take away the means and opportunity - long may it continue! Feeling much more optimistic today but I will not get complacent! Still a long a long way to go but at least I now have some directions. Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

Hello Miss JJ

I'm glad to see things are looking up for you. You sound much happier and more positive compared to the the first few posts I read. It seems getting advice on your finances has helped you a little with worries you had before.

Glad to see Mr JJ is keeping up with his commitments too! Hopefully he sticks to it.

Keep looking up things can only go from one strength to another the longer hes gamble free.

I had my first counselling session today & it was tough! Feeling very emotional this evening as it's probably the first time since the bombshell was dropped I've been completely honest with someone about how I feel about the situation. How have you all managed in repairing your relationships alongside your partners recovery? Mr JJ is doing well so far but I'm feeling a huge amount of resentment towards him for putting us in this awful situation. Our wedding is fast approaching and i can't bring myself to make any plans or invest anymore time in making arrangements. What should be the happiest day of my life is starting to fill me with dread. I'm hoping that counselling will help me find the answers. What a rollercoaster the past few months have been!! Had some positive news with the finances though - my mortgage has been agreed in principle so at least I can rest easy in knowing that my home will be safe.

Hi,

Their addiction causes huge devastation all round and it takes as long as it takes for you to come to terms with what's happened to you. It didn't happen overnight and it won't resolve overnight. There's no rush for you to swallow your feelings or brush the emotional mess under the carpet.

re the wedding, listen to your instincts and only go ahead with the wedding if you know with all your heart that this is definitely what you want. Ignore any little alarm bells at your peril. Any notion of you needing to save him from himself should be fully explored in counselling before you decide about the wedding. Your relationship with him is supposed to be an equal life partnership (not mother and son) and the norm is to expect an equal life partner to meet your needs.

It's not prudent for you to be involved in any aspect of paying off his debts. He ran them up and one aspect of his overcoming his addiction is to take responsibility for his actions and their consequences. The standard GamAnon advice is that household expenses come first and his gambling debts come a very poor second, there's no rush to pay it off and his problems are not about money. I would consult your own legal advisor about how best to protect yourself. In particular, I would hesitate to take on a new joint mortgage with him because you are putting yourself at risk of being caught up in future repossession proceedings should he default further. The addiction is progressive and the stories on the forum show where it can lead.

Try GamAnon meetings, to get help and support from others with the same problem.

Look after you and prioritise your needs.

CW

That is great news! Does counselling give answers? yes it does but it might not be the answers you are looking for. Sometimes there are no answers to the questions you want and that can bring its own enlightenment.

Recovery is certainly an experience. Not always pleasant but its what it is. One thing i'd suggest is making sure he keeps going with his meetings. If he starts saying things like they arn't helping anyomre, or i've got out of meetings everything i need to know, i'd be very concerned to say the least.

Well done for getting the counselling. I hope you explore every avenue you can. tri

Once the gambling stopped glimpses of the real Mr L I'd known before it got a grip surfaced quite quickly. That helped repair things along with him being 100% reliable in every area other than money (which he had and still has limited to zero access to) and complying with everything I wanted to feel secure without a quibble.

That said had I known he'd develop a gambling problem and what that would put me through before we married I'd never have walked down that aisle. Personally I would never now consider a relationship with anyone who gambled even for 'fun'. It would be a total deal breaker for me. If alarm bells are ringing for you now, listen to them. There's no rush to get married. Allow yourself as much time as you need to be sure.