Looking for a change

Yet another fight tonight. He said his issues are my fault as much as his and that i'm stopping us from moving forward.
He refuses to tell his parents because it isn't fair on them and i've just found out that he's lied yet again.
No meetings because that's his decision and yeah just basically much the same. Him upstairs and me downstairs and another day of gut churning and overall sadness.

Sorry to hear it, all sounds familiar. If it's all your fault then it's not his and he doesn't need to change. So I would advise you to look elsewhere if you want to see changes. Focus on you and what you need to change for your own well being and happiness.

More specifically, get the help and support to cope with your immediate problem: the effect that his gambling and associated behaviour is having on you. Call the helpline, get GC counselling and go to GamAnon meetings. It's really important because if you don't, it'll be almost impossible for you to change your situation.

To bet or not to bet is his decision and his alone. You've already found out that you can't make him stop. But you can choose what you're prepared to put up with and you can choose how you want to live your life. If this isn't it and you think that deserve better (anyone does), then the onus is on you to get the help and support that you need to make the changes that you're looking for happen.

Tell parents and family. Not to be nasty but gambling thrives on secrecy and for all you know, one or more other family members may be lending him money and keeping quiet about it to "protect" you and each other.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi Horizon, your relationship, his lies and 'secrecy' really does sound familiar. And I wonder what it would take for you to leave your husband? For me his lowest was also my lowest, he gambled all his wages, rent and more, leaving my daughter and I in a position where we were facing being homeless, and I had to draw a line.

Why didn't I do it sooner? Why even have a child together? Because it was a gradual decline, because I believed his attempts to get help were genuine, because I, like you, felt I'd invested so much into our marriage, because he wasn't always a liar or selfish or risking it all. Do I wish I'd left him sooner? Yes. But who knows if that would have made a difference to him. I just know that for me I am having to reassess who I am, who I can trust, if I could ever trust him again and if our marriage is worth working on.

And I agree with CW. Gambling does thrive on secrecy. What's unfair is the emotional blackmail that by telling others it's unfair to them. That robs you, and him, of a support network and living life in the freedom of truth.

Wish you all the best in the tough decisions ahead.

Thanks so much for your advice, it feels like a lifeline. Tonight I found out by chance that he texted one of his friends pretending to be me saying I knew all about what was owed and was sorting his out. I told him in a calm way that this was totally unacceptable and i'd be sleeping in the spare room
His response was I had to pretend it was you or I would get in trouble! This sort of behaviour is typical and I always feel like I cave in. Call it bitter experience but I have just realised how ridiculous our situation is and has been for so long.
Even if I saw him really throw himself into recovery it would be tough to get over this but his behaviour isn't trying. I've made plans to enjoy myself this weekend with friends and he can work through his own issues. I've found a Gamanon meeting close by which I will attend, it's something ive never tried before.
In all honesty I know breaking free is the key to a happier life I just need to find the courage to put my plan into action and soon.

Just wanted to post an update on my situation. Yesterday I left and told my family everything, it felt like such a relief and they are all so supportive of me.
I've told my OH that this is it for me, I care for him deeply but that I need to move on as he's had too many chances and I just don't have it in me to give it another go when I know we'll just end up back at the same place again. After the initial anger from him came a plea for relationship counselling but eventually you run out of second chances.
Today I feel scared, sad and relieved if that makes sense? I'm so sad at what we've lost, sad for him and the fact that I basically have to start my life over but I just can't keep doing this and I'm hopeful that alot of pain in the short term will bring a longer term happiness and peace of mind.

Good luck girl

Thanks Messy Driver!

Hi Horizon 82 welcome to the forum 🙂

Like any relationship, you're going to feel terrible having made the decision to end it but this really is self preservation on your behalf! I'm so pleased to hear that you have the support of your family & just because you are no longer together, doesn't mean you need to discount that GamAnon meeting. Equally, GamCare can still offer you support as you try & move forwards from this! Relationship counselling says it all really, a complete unwillingness to accept that his gambling is the root cause of the breakdown!

You're young & recovery is a long hard slog even for those of us that want it so even if he shows a commitment now, don't be tempted to go running straight back. I think you have made a very brave decision & wish you every strength moving forwards & in time, a loving partner who can restore your faith in your future - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT for your lovely words. I feel like my emotions are running through the full gauntlet at the moment from relief and happiness to total sadness. I realise this is normal though and I've just got to stick it out.
My OH is the loveliest guy but he's still in denial; according to him i'm the one walking away from us because i won't try relationship counselling!
No matter how much you love someone how many years of your life can you give before saying enough really is enough?! I want nothing but health and happiness for him but I my happiness and peace of mind can't be dependent on him anymore. Terrified but hopeful for the future x

Never lose sight of these feelings that you are worth more, you have to look after you 1st. He may be the loveliest man on earth @ times but how much of that is the true him & how much of that is based around guilt & manipulation. I'm not saying your feelings for each other aren't real, you don't have to look too far on here to see people struggling to make sense of why they jeopardise their family when they love them so much just don't shoulder the blame. It's kind of the old, 'if you love someone set them free' line...Just here, the person you are setting free is yourself. Living with an active compulsive gambler is hell on Earth, my husband would say living with me period is much the same but in recovery we have an honesty that was skirted round & glossed over before.

My mother is in her late 60's, no roof over her head, I manage her pension, she too is in denial...It's hard to watch. As a child of a compulsive gambler it is a comfort to me that you recognise how difficult it would be to bring a family into this equation.

Cling onto your hope when the evenings close in & the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you. Having given so much of your heart & soul to addiction through no fault of your own, you too will need time & support to heal your scars but push through the pain & the fog & you will come out the other side a stronger person.

Hi Horizon

Brave, positive move. Well done. So you must've been together since around 20 years old, which is really quite young.

I understand what you're saying about investing in a relationship and feeling like you have to make it work. I suppose also to some extent you haven't known another way?

But it sounds like a move for the best. It's probalby best for him too. Whilst his welfare should not be your main concern, he's possibly in a comfort zone, where unwillingness to confront his issues is being enabled by you and his currnet life arrangements. This might give him the kick he needs. I say that as a (former) addict who has had spongey tendancies in previous relationships.

Best wishes

Louis

One thought re relationship counselling: how effective could it possibly be if he's in denial and works on the assumption that it's all your fault therefore he doesn't need to change?

Take strength where you can get it and look after you. He has to be his own salvation, you can't fix him.

CW

Thanks all for taking the time to comment. We've been together since I was a teenager so I haven't ever known what a normal, stable relationship is like.
There is no point in relationship counselling because we've been here so many times and I know that his issues plus the nature of our relationship will mean that he'll inevitably do it again and the lies etc will start again....
He has a great family who I know will support him and I too believe in the long run this will be the best thing for him as he won't have me to hold him up.
Time will tell I suppose, there's alot of pain now but I just need to take things day by day and try to start doing positive things for myself.

Evening Horizon,

My ex partner could of written your posts it's a mirror image of how our last 19 years together where.

As hard as a decision it was for her to end our relationship due to the pain and suffering my destructive gambling caused

It's not been easy for her having to clear up the mess I left behind but it was the best decision for her and my son and to be honest for me.

I'd love to go and tell her thanks ultimately it saved my life but I think she would take it the wrong way. For me it was the shock I needed to not have a bet from that day on.

She has moved on and is doing well it took her a while I caused to much pain to go back.

You look after everyone deserves better than to be living in the shadows of an active compulsive gambler.

KTF