Looking for a change

Thanks KTF. Had another heart breaking conversation tonight where I reiterated that this really was the end for me which is the hardest thing when there's still a lot of love there and we've spent so many years together.
Awful times right now but I keep telling myself that this time next year I can hopefully look back on this decision and realise that it was the wisest decision I could have made for me.

Had a horrific day yesterday, had to go home to pack up some things, hand in the notice on our rental agreement and say goodbye to our beloved dog. He is moving away and she will be going with him....even though that's incredibly hard for me I know he needs her more than me.
I never knew emotional pain could be that hard and spent most of yesterday feeling totally shell shocked and heartbroken. I'm saying goodbye to a huge part of my life and although I keep telling myself it's for the best it's still so tough.
Received more texts after I left begging to try counselling while we live apart and to give things one more go. It's so tempting of course and it would be the easiest thing in the world for me to go home and just give him a big hug and go back to the life i've known for years but I know that I can't. I've heard these pleas so many times and I don't want to be sitting in 5 years time with possibly a child in tow going through all this again.
It's only been a few days do I know I just need to take the support of my family and friends and remind myself why i have done this. I'd rather be lying with 2 broken legs than feel like this!

Sorry it's so hard. Thinking of you.

CW

Thanks CW. Feeling a bit better today but still shell-shocked. After the initial relief of getting things out in the open and finally making this decision comes the reality.
I am determined to stay strong however and realise that things will get better.

Good luck love...and I know it's an old saying....
But ....time is a great healer x

Thanks Loxxie, I know it will get better just wish I could fast forward to that bit now! X

Hey you...
Another couple old sayings us old mums like to use..
What don't kill us ...makes us stronger
And
Everything happens for a reason..
So...go draw the strength you need from your family and friends...
X

Feeling a bit better today. I've spent time with family and friends over the past few days and have even booked a girls trip to Spain in April, something which I wouldn't of done before because I would have been worried about spending the money!
Every day I am going to try and do something small and positive for me, also planning on rejoining the gym this week. My emotions are going up and done every day and my heart still aches when I think about things too much but I am determined to stay strong.
Had numerous emails and texts yesterday asking how I could do this to him and that I wasn't honouring our wedding vows! The logic behind this is crazy because I would never have walked away from us in a million years if it hadn't have been for his gambling and lies but he doesn't seem to see that.

If it's you, then it's not him so he doesn't need to change himself or anything else. And he can play the victim. But it's no good saying any such thing to him, the addiction is stopping him from hearing it.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

hi folks, glad i have found this forum as i feel i cant speak to people about this or for them to understand. I have been living with my partner for coming up ten years now and we have two kids. I would say over the past year the online gambling has got worse it may bee in relation to a death in his family. Anyway on the night his family member died he told me he had blew all the wages which meant i had no food etc for the week. This is the third time this year he has done this. I have had to take on pay day loans! He will not go to meetings although promised he would but made an excuse up this week. I feel i cant support him anymore and starting to resent him. eWith christmas coming up i feel like im drowning. I feel like i am living in a surreal bubble 🙁

HI sylviex, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I left my OH last week due to his gambling so it's still pretty fresh for me but like you I kept his gambling a secret for so long and living a lie to family and friends caused me untold stress, made me resent him and it allowed him to continue on with his lies and deceit.
I found that he would always find an excuse to gamble; his job wasn't going well, he was depressed, family issues etc. He spent time in a residential facility for his gambling and they said this was a way to protect his gambling so he could basically keep doing it.
I also know all too well about ruined Christmases due to money worries as nearly everyone we've had together has bee affected by this issue. I can only imagine how much harder it is with children.
There are people on here with alot more experience than me who I am sure can offer great advice but one thing I have come to realise is that life was never going to change if ee continued to live the way we did i.e. the secrets, me covering his losses by taking out loans and basically allowing him to depend on me far too much. Even though this week has been a rollercoaster I feel so much better sharing this burden with others and i've also stepped back from him so he can sort out his own recovery, work, finances etc. I am not living with him now and we're both lucky to have such supportive families but despite how much I miss him I can't tell you what a relief it is to let him sort himself out.
If he won't go to meetings and thinks he can get over it then it will just continue and you shouldn't have to force him. Focus on you and your 2 children and if possible at all try to limit the financial impact his gambling has on you by trying to separate your finances. Everyone's situation is different I know but the feelings we share due to living with someone with this problem are all too common x

Just wanted to post another update as in a way doing so helps to strengthen my resolve and it feels good to see what progress I feel i've made in my recovery so far.
I feel 10 times better than this time last week. I have spent time with family and friends and am making plans for the holidays and beyond. My OH may now be staying at home so good news is I still get to see our beloved dog. Took her out for a long walk today along with a friend which helped me immensely. I find that trying to do something positive everyday for me has been a great help, as has sticking to the one day at a time rule. I don't need to think too much about the future because today is good.
My OH seems to veer between begging me to come back and telling me he's done because I won't try counselling but I'm just doing my best to rise above it. He seems to be doing better and I know he's hurting but I am too and I don't think he realises that. I think i'm finally realised how self centred his issues have made him and that only goes to strengthen my resolve further. I will always love and care for him but now i'm focusing on me.

Thanks for your reply horizon 82 it makes me feel so much better knowing im not alone if that makes sense although i wouldnt wish this on anyone. Well done for getting your own place and taking things day by day i hope i too have the strength to do this after Christmas. At the moment i am looking into applying for my own house with the kids i think my OH is in denial. The hardest things is i still love him he is my best friend but i know i have to leave him. What also doesnt help is i think his family try to make up for what he is doing as they have guessed what he is up to i think and trying to offer money, food etc. I am a proud independent woman it makes me feel angry although i know they are just trying to help. So again he is not going to a meeting this week going back on his promises. As guessed it will be a different excuse each week i think meanwhile still popping into bookies and away to "shop" for ages. The worst of is i feel i have to put a face on at work and home at the moment when inside im slowly dying. Anyway new year coming up got a lot to be thankful for in my life etc.

xx

Hi Sylvie

A best friend wouldn't treat you the way your partner is. All the time you pick up the pieces he has no incentive to change his behaviour. Nothing you can say or do can make him stop if he doesn't want to and as he doesn't seem to looking into other options is the best thing you can do.

Don't feel you have to put a brave face on for others. If you need RL support, use it. Time to put yourself and the kids first.

Hi Sylvie
You definitely aren't alone and I honestly believe reading this forum gave me the push I needed to make a change in my life. Id been living this way for 13 years and even now after just a couple of weeks apart I really don't know how I stuck it as long as I did.
I also know what you mean about work, many a day I got a text to say i've gambled such amount or I owe so and so money and they need it today while having a colleague standing over me wanting to know if I had a nice weekend. I also turned into a private detective checking phone bills and googling numbers etc to see who he'd been calling, basically driving myself nuts!
The best thing i've done is open up to family and closest friends,they don't think he's a bad person and they've been so understanding and such a source of support. Nobody's life is perfect no matter how it appears on the outside and there's no shame in your situation. I hod things for years and it only made things 10 times worse.
I hope the New Year heralds a new start for you, be it alone or with your OH. Nobody deserves to live with an active CG and all the drama and heartache it brings x