Lost.

Hi Betty it sounds like you need some real support. Can you get some counselling through gamcare? I go to gamanon meetings which I find really supportive. Does he acknowledge the problem? Does he want help? You need to be in control of money to safeguard yourself. Try not to bail him out. When they are in midst of their gambling they become withdrawn and angry. My husband also has depression. Try and call someone to talk to.

Hi,

I have to say that I'm pretty new to all this but from what I've read on here this seems to be the advice:

It's not in your control, he needs to want to stop and if he doesn't then he won't. Maybe his parents knowing will help and they would probably rather help than find out later that you are suffering or your children)

He needs to find some support GAnon etc.

You need to find some support in similar places or perhaps counselling

He needs to have no bank cards or any chance to get credit (self exclusion letters etc)

You need to be able to check his account and credit scores/ reports regularly

You could agree the terms of his recovery and your recovery together but don't set boundaries that you're not willing to enforce.

Maybe get some support for yourself before having a conversation with him.

I hope this helps in some way. Sending you support and understanding.

Thank you for your replies.

I don't know how to go about getting counseling, I will look into that for sure.

He's acknowledged his problem which is a start I guess.

He's handed over bank cards but I worry as he is self employed so has access to cash.

It's the loneliness and despair I'm finding hard.

I love my partner very much but I'm struggling to find the energy to fight the constant gambling.

Also, I feel if his parents knew he'd be outcast as they've told him they'll not support him should he gamble again.

I'm new to this too so I don't really know where to start.
Your post has just hit home with me, my partner is also addicted to gambling, he has had a few episodes where he has gotten into a run of winning and loosing huge sums of money (over £10,000 a time) but every time it happens he tells me he has learnt from it and that it won't happen again...

I guess I feel like I've failed and don't know where to turn because it's just a cycle repeating itself, I don't know how to get him to admit it's a problem he needs help with.

I love him more than anything and we had talked about starting a family soon but this is all making me doubt us and how much longer we can go on like this as I am constantly worrying about how much he is loosing.

He knows he has a problem but doesn't think it needs any attention as 'he will just go back to betting small amounts' in his own words.

Help!

Hello Sam,

We have two children and its safe to say although they know nothing about the gambling it's impacting their lives in a negative way. I'm not going to preach about not involving a child while things are so bad, I knew my partner's history and took the risk. I struggle financially to make sure bills are paid and our two beautiful daughters want for as little as possible.

Now I feel endless guilt for not protecting them.

It's taken time and almost splitting up a family to get my partner to admit it's an issue.
However, he completes the same cycle, admits it's a problem, says he's dealing with it then just as I feel secure I find out it's all a lie.

We tried small bets with me monitoring the account, it didn't work as he just deposited more money and blew it all in one go or opened up other accounts with different online sites, even opened a new email account to hide the emails and login details.

I feel the same sense of failure that you seem to. How is our family not worth more? Why have I not got him to stop? Why cant I make him change? I think deep down I know the answer lies with him, he needs to want to change, time will tell if this is the start or the end.

Just talking on here has helped me feel calmer already.

Hi Betty

Thanks for replying, I am glad to know I'm not on my own but feel guilty for saying it as I know what a horrible position it is. How did you manage to get him to admit that he had the problem?

We've tried the small bets idea as well but it obviously leads on to bigger problems and higher sums eventually as he can't seem to quit while he is ahead. It went from betting £20 to a couple of grand on a bet.

How long have you been going through this? I've been with my partner for 5 years but I think just the past year it started to escalate.

Thanks it does make me feel calmer talking about it too.

Hi Betty you can get free counselling through gamcare, call the number in this site. There are apps you can download onto phones and tablets to block gambling sites. You can self exclude from betting shops and you can self exclude betting accounts online. My husband has done this and shown me emails that confirm exclusion. If he wants to gamble he will I have no control. For recovery some believe you should tell everyone so there is no where for them to borrow. That's a choice you have to make. It does isolate you and you don't get support. You can't make him stop and I know from experience small bets just turn into massive debt. Can you get him to join the challenge on here? No face to face.

Sam,
We've been together 8 years, for the first 4 years I was oblivious to the issue, just thought he had an occasional bet. After the birth of our 4 year old it became obvious it was much more than that. Since then we have gone through the cycle at least twice a year.

I'm at my wit's end.

For the first time ever I said nothing, handed him the evidence and went to work. I've learnt that thinking and reacting with my emotions is pointless. I went to work, mulled over my options and went home calm with an option of talk to me and be honest or please leave. It's not easy that's for sure.

Merry go round,
Thank you for the advice. I will call them when I finish work today.

I have to say it's really made me feel emotional that for 4 years I've struggled alone, when this forum is full of people who are supportive and there to talk and not judge.

Thank you.

Hi Betty

You can't fight the gambling and you're getting exhausted trying. The basic fact is if he doesn't want to stop he won't. That doesn't leave you without choices however. There are things he could do which would eliminate his access to gambling and the cash to do it with immediate effect but he hasn't suggested any of them which tells you where his priorities lie.

All the time you are willing to take on the worry and stress that's rightfully his he will let you. Draw your lines in the sand and don't be manipulated into caving in on any of them. Protect whatever you can in the way of household finances and sever as much financial connection with him as you can. Read up on the addcition. Tell whoever you need to and get their support and put yourself and the children first every single time.

Hi Betty,

I was the compulsive gambler and the consequences of our actions are never realised fully by us gamblers. The big win will sort everything out scenario. It never happens.

When my wife found out she had an inkling my gambling had got out of control. I handed over my cards and any cash and she cut the cards in 2. If i needed anything it would be bought for me or if she wasnt around i was given the smallest amount of cash necessary. I also had to provide a receipt accounting for every penny. I went to counselling. I admitted I had an issue.

My wife WILL leave if it happens again and a poster above said dont make a threat without carrying it out.

Most of all make sure you look after yourself. He has to take serious steps to come to terms with his addiction.

Best wishes

I've set out my terms and all of my feelings.

I still feel like he's not serious about changing. I know it has to be his choice, I'm just willing him to make that choice and worry it's not going to happen.

I know this cycle had led to me giving in every time and him thinking I wouldn't ask him to leave. But, I'm at the point that I need change and it will have to come one way or another.

I was honest with him last night and said he needs proper support and has to take it seriously or I will lose hope and that's the end.

Bal,
Firstly I commend you for making the choice you have. It gives me hope.

Did you choose to hand over financial responsibility? Just wondering if it's better to be a choice or I demand.

Demanding usually doesn't work, he storms out, drinks and stays out till he's blind drunk!

Thank you all

Hi betty,

Thank you for your kind words.

It was a request to be honest but no was not really an option.

More of a give me your cards. I dread to think what may have happened if i refused

I was quite relieved in the handover as i lost trust in myself and it was something less to worry about.

Best wishes

Bal,

Thank you for your honesty, I imagine it's not easy talking about these things.

I wish you every success in your recovery.