Lost and Numb

Hi Ladybird88

You are married to 2 different people. One is your husband who I am sure you love and is a great dad and the other is the gambler who lies and manipulates to feed his addiction. Until he decides that the latter has to go you will see more and more of the gambler. It is a very progressive addiction. It can go from losing small amounts with the assurances that it won't ever happen again to crippling debt that can ruin you before you know it!

The spouses on this forum are a great resource for you! My advice would be to not underestimate the power of this addiction!

Hi, Ladybird,

I am long term married to a CG and the first of my babies is about to leave the nest.

The starting point is to get help and support for you. A tiny baby and an op are enough for you to cope with without worrying about his antics. Would your parents help you? Another relative? Or friends? Because this is an addiction that thrives on secrecy, take away the secrecy and it makes him more accountable, not a barrier in itself but if it makes him less comfortable about gambling then so much the better. And trying to cope with your world being turned upside down can be very isolating, which is the last thing you need.

Be quite clear that it is your husband's decision to gamble or not to. It isn't because of what you said or did or what you didn't say or didn't do, it isn't because you argued with him or didn't argue with him. It's not your fault but the flip side of the same coin is that you can't make him stop. He has to want to go into recovery and he has to do what it takes. Change his bank card to a non-visa, change his mobile to a non Internet version, change his job, go to GA, install blocking software, hand over financial control. You can't do it for him.

I was oblivious for years and this is second time round for me. First time round, I got denials, half measures, he didn't admit that he had a problem or that he needed help, he convinced me that It was me. And I let him. The gambling continued unhindered, I don't recommend it.

This time round, it is different, he is demonstrating that he wants to stop, we have barriers, I have financial control, he goes to GA. the difference is real.

Get help for you as a priority.

Take care,

CW

Hi,

Thankyou all for your comments and help. I had my surgery a little over 12 hours ago and came home last night. All went well I'm just sore and need to rest.

I told my parents, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My mum in particular is distraught as she treats him like a son. For the time being I've asked him to stay at his friends as I cannot handle operation/baby/all this mess! My mum has stayed with me to help with baby and my recovery. Somehow I feel relief just that I don't have to think about him at the moment. I have enough money to cover what I need this month and I'm trying not to worry about his financial situation and give in and give him money as I know he has none. Like you say Amom - the first person, my husband, the Daddy, I love and would hate to see him struggle. However the gambler, at the moment I'm angry and would love nothing more than to see him in pieces (that may sound harsh but I think because I've bailed him out before he's never really reached that rock bottom that he needs to realise what he's done). His family are also aware of his addiction now so I'm hoping as CW says the more that know may make it harder for him to do it.

He has said he wants to stop, work his notice at his job and get help. Saying and doing are 2 different things. I don't want to be the one suggesting the solutions as I feel these need to be his choices. I'd like for him to come to me and tell me where he has saught help (he said he wants counciling) and to volunteer me control of his money as unless it's his choice I don't see how he will stop.

We are less than a year married with an 8 week old baby, this is not how I saw my life panning out. I don't know how much I can take, is it better for me to walk away? Do I try and work at it? I'm so tired from the lies and then juggling finances and putting on a brave face to the rest of the world. My life is a mess, if it wasn't for my baby I don't know how I would still be functioning.

Ladybird88 you have been through so much in a year! You have a young baby and are now recuperating from surgery. I honestly think you need to just stop for a bit. Make sure your finances are secure for yourself and your daughter and just concentrate on you getting better. Try not to feel the need to make a decision right now. Give yourself some time to get over the shock. Keep writing on here and use some of the time that you are laid up to read some of the diaries on here and gain some knowledge on gambling addiction.

At the moment do what works best for you. Your husband will survive and will or won't decide to learn to manage his addiction. That is up to him and not you.

Please take care of yourself and let others help and support you.

Cathy

Thankyou for your kind words Cathy. I plan on resting up for the weekend whilst I have some help at home with my daughter. After that I have no idea what I'm going to do... I'm going to try not to think about it for a few days. The thought of making such life changing decisions weighs heavily on my mind but like you say I need to have a break from it all for a bit.

Hi, Ladybird,

I hope you are getting over the op and have the help that you need for you and Junior?

Don't worry about your husband at the moment, just accept the help that you have and look after yourself. The bigger decisions can wait until you've ready to make them.

Also, the idea of telling your parents is that they should support you, not the other way round. It's not for you to help them get over their reaction to the news or to sort out their relationship with him.

Focus on you, take care.

CW

Thanks CW. My mum has come to stay we me and is helping with baby/dog/housework!!! My parents have been great and they totally support me which is amazing and makes me feel better about facing the future - when I'm ready to do that is another thing! Xx

you dont have to make any decisions about the rest of your life, not today, take it one day at a time, and if today went ok then youve done well, see what happens tomorrow. i really think at the times when we feel we must sort out all our problems and have ourselves set up for life and perfect for our children, really thats not a time when we can make decisions, if the answers arent there, they arent there, you just have to wait for them. one day at a time, see what happens, you'll know when it s time to make a decison, dont worry if its not obvious now. make the most of the baby being tiny now, these weeks go too fast, enjoy some snuggly time

Thankyou. Ive had a few days to recover from my operation and 'relax' (whatever that is!!) Saw my Husband on Sunday so he could see our Daughter. He's made some of the steps towards helping himself but I'm not 100% convinced he is willing to take all of the steps needed such as giving up his finances, having a non Internet phone. Says he's called Gamcare and is waiting to hear of dates for meetings and that they have blocked his card for betting online. He's also in talks with an old manager about a new job out of the betting industry. I still can't face having him home until I'm sure he's comitted to change. But no long term decisions made - as you've all pointed out my baby is the most important thing at the moment and these decisions can wait.

Taking each day as it comes, im still unsure I'm getting the full truth and extent of his problem.

Only me again, if anyone reads this please leave some words of wisdom. God knows I need some right now!

Long story short Hubby has been to a GA meeting (I'm pleased and proud) but says that as part of the 12 steps he needs to take control of his finances and he can't give them over to me. He feels it will make him worse. I know deep down there is no way I will be able to get through this with out control of the finances, I'd be constantly paranoid that one month I won't be able to pay the bills if he relapsed and also feel as a parent it would be irresponsible to put mine and baby's security at risk like that. I dont know what room there is for compromise in this, this my be the breaking point for our marriage.

I don't know what to do! Every part of me is saying I need this control. Every thread I've read on here where the relationships are successful there is handing over of financial control. What do I do!

Hey Ladybird, there's no way GA would say that as part of his 12 steps he needs to keep control of his finances. Sorry, but that smell is not cow or pig or sheep... that smell is bull s**t.

It's a difficult situation though. How deep is your partner's gambling addiction. I have a many male friends who got very, VERY, freaked out when they became fathers for the first time and were looking for anything to avoid the anxiety and impossible responsibility, so they turned to gambling and drinking in the short term.

Only you know your partner - where his gambling issues existed before you met him or are as a result of becoming a stressed new father?

Either way it sounds like you've been through a lot recently, take care of yourself and focus on you and your baby, men come and go.

mx

Hmmm, I am no more informed than the internet but this reeks of something brown & smelly to me!

Has he shown you any literature on this, apparently there is take away stuff @ these meetings! If you pop across to day@atime or duncanmac, & ask the question on their diaries, they will be able to give you informed answers!

He's made this mess & you are absolutely right not to compromise! You must do what is right for you, he's not looking after either if you @ the moment when he should be stepping up so you have to & that means you decide how it happens!

Congratulations on your new arrival by the way 🙂

Please don't be afraid to do what you need - ODAAT

Hi Ladybird

I totally agree with Molehole.

I am a member of GA in Aust. Your hubby would have been told the exact opposite of what he has told you regarding financial control. He is LYING!

Having financial control taken away is an essential element in helping us CG's. No access to money or credit makes it harder for us to gamble when the urge comes along.

Take care

Just reading through your story and wanted to say a couple of things.

First, congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby girl. Enjoy every moment you can with her as they're not tiny for long!! My youngest 'baby' turned five in July and is one of the reasons I am on this forum and staying away from gambling.

Anyway, I digress. I spoke to gamcare a while ago about help for myself to stop gambling. I have only ever gambled online and most of the time it's been via my mobile phone. I am 100% sure that if it were possible for them to block a card from gambling websites they would have offered that service to me. I even phoned my bank and asked them if they could do it and they said no.

Sadly your husband is lying to you and I do find myself wondering if he ever even called gamcare.

The gambling is out in the open now which is a good thing but as others on here have said, he has to want to stop (and mean it) before it will happen. I have wasted £1000s on gambling websites and kept it from my husband for a long time. Eventually when I told him, my Mum, and a couple of close friends I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I have since been able to talk about the issues and have handed over financial control. This means I have broken the 'time-money-location' triangle and am now just over three weeks gamble free. I know it is very early days for me but it took telling friends and family for me to realise the extent of the addiction and to do something about it.

I really really hope you are able to save your marriage and can become a happy family. But, the only way you can do this is with total honesty from your husband. Control of the finances will have to be done by you for this to work.

I wish you the very best of luck and a swift recovery from your operation. Keep posting on here as there's loads of help and advice and always someone to listen. xx