My boyfriend is a gambler and has recently broken down about how serious it is and I feel it's my fault. About a year ago, he told me that he was in a bad place and was gambling too much (£3500 was what he'd lost). We agreed he needed to stop gambling, and we moved on. 6 months later we had an appointment at the bank for a mortgage when it came to light that his savings account was £5000 short. He then admitted that he lied before about what he'd lost and it was actually £8500 not £3500. I asked if that was the truth or if he'd slipped up and he maintained he hadn't that he was too scared to tell me the full extent. I stupidly left it at that. Last night we were put for dinner before a concert and he started getting snappy and I just knew the way he was acting that it was gambling again. I asked if he was ok and he said that he had his own battles he was fighting and that he's lost £2500 betting again and that he knows that he needs serious help. Deep down, I've known we were always going to be back in this spot but I don't know where to begin giving him the help that he needs. He's not a bad person and I understand his lies and that he's scared to speak to me but I'm in way over my depth. I feel if I don't help we will be back here in another 6 months
Hi KA2306 this is most definitely not your fault. Your boyfriend is a compulsive gambler, he will always be a compulsive gambler. The gambling will continue until he wants to stop. In the meantime you need to safeguard your finances, don't pay his debt and seek help for yourself. He could find a GA meeting and there might be a gamanon meeting at the same place. Gamanon is for friends and family of compulsive gamblers. Compulsive gambling is progressive and the debt will get bigger, his mental health will suffer and so will your relationship. The best way to help a compulsive gambler is to not give them any money, encourage attendance at meetings or seeking real help. He can download blocking software to gadgets, sign up to gamstop, hand over finances. Unfortunately you cannot stop him. If you hand over money or help with debt it enables them to continue. Stepchange can help with his debt. Please don't ignore this, get help for yourself.
Hi KA2306, I agree with Merry go round and some good advice.
Your boyfiriends gambling is not your fault and you will end up in a worse position. He needs to admit and seek help and support and want to stop. I totally understand your situation and your dilema. I was the girlfriend of a gambler 28 years ago, then I was the wife of a gambler for 24 years. Last October almost a year to the day he told me he had been gambling AGAIN!! at that point 18.5K after a 8 year period of no gambling. Prior to this his gambling had devestated our family, I repaid, sorted out debt time and time again in the hope it would stop, I blamed myself, I hid it from others, fighting to keep the family together...eventualy we lost or family home. Two years ago today we moved into our new forever home after working so very hard to build ourselves back up, little did I know as soon as we moved it strarted again.
The feelings of sheer devestation finding out again is heartbreaking. I have had to make the decision to end our relationship after 28 years as his gambling addiction was stronger than us... his debt today stands at around 40K .
Please Please be strong for you, look after yourself.
Hey, thanks for the advice . I don't blame myself for him gambling, I blame myself for the last time he came to me for support and I brushed it under the carpet. We're in quite a fortunate position, he's in no debt and has only dipped into his own savings. I still have all mine and after last night I've now got the rest of his savings and will be controlling the money. He knows that he's got an issue, it was him who came to me and came clean and has admitted he needs help and wanted me to control the money. I didn't suspect a thing... I know that the guilt has been eating him up and I know his mental health is suffering. He's blocked betting sites from his phone so I am completely convinced that he wants to change. I just want to know and be reassured that he's doing enough and that I'm doing enough.
Hi KA2306,
Money is only part of the problem, why not sit down with your partner and do a full financial inventory, or even go through his betting accounts. The reason I say this and the reason GamAnon exists as non compulsive gamblers are oblivious to the time, effort and money we spend feeding our addiction. This is why we are snappy, why we sacrifise relationships, friendships and even family time as all these things come second to our gambling.
There is no switch to turn off with this, he is a compulsive gambler and will be for the rest of his life. But he does not have to be a slave to his addiction. He can understand and change his behaviour with a recovery program, but it takes time and effort to really change.
From your end you have done the right thing regarding savings, they are now protected as he should not have access to them. Also you should get access to his credit history/rating. My partner has access to my Clearscore and it shows up any debts or credit cards I have.
Its good that you have come here looking for advice, we feel shame at some of these issues but addiction feeds off such emotions as it helps keep the truth hidden. Honesty is one of the best weapons we have in this battle.
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