My partner has gambled money from work please help

Hi Anon

Sorry to hear the latest news. Illness affects people in different ways and if his gambling has progressed to the point of addiction then I hope he starts to get help as many have suggested already (GA, counselling etc). Mostly though i hope you are able to get the help and support you need both comfort and information.

Wishing you all the best, tri

Hi anonymous that sounds terrible. It also sounds like it's worse than you thought. I've never heard of a PI hired by work. Anyway this is about you. I don't think you should feel obliged to look after him. He needs some serious help and I know that there would be advice and support at a GA meeting for him and gamanon for you. Call gamcare and talk to someone they're there now. It doesn't matter if they don't have answers it's just someone to talk to. If your bf hasn't been to gp I would def suggest it.

Hi again

I'm sorry to see this. Sadly if they've invested in PI there's a good chance it's more serious than he's admitting to. I doubt there's anyone on this side who isn't familiar with the whirlwind of terror and helplessness as more and more comes to light. Have you got anyone you can talk to IRL? Don't feel you have to support him if it's not what you want to do. If you only have strength for one (and sometimes it can feel like we don't even have that) make sure it's you.

Take care

Hi everyone thank you for caring and taking the time to reply. Sorry Lethe I’m not sure what IRL means? I have a counsellor who I have a session with tomorrow so I will talk to him. I just feel broken. I don’t want to support him. But he has no job now and they will probably take legal action if they had no problem hiring a PI. I don’t want to decide what to do or deal with this. I don’t want to deal with this, I would never ever bring this situation upon myself so I have never thought of how you would even cope with it. Is this something worth fighting for or is this the big red flag to run and never look back? Which I don’t want to do. I just can’t be in this situation, I don’t even know how to take care of myself. I am out of answers. I’m sorry to rant and be so negative but I just don’t know anymore. Thank you everyone xxxxxxx

Hi again

IRL = in real life.

Everything you are thinking is normal reaction. This is a club none of us ever imagined joining and a life none of us ever envisaged. I know it's easier said than done but try to do some nice things for you. Things that might stick this on the back burner for a while. It's very easy to get consumed by it all and end up doing the worrying that by rights should be his alone.

Are your own finances protected from access by him? If not make that a priority. At a minimum it will give you breathing space until you can see whether he's ready to put in the work required to arrest this and means you don't need to make decisions on the future until you're good and ready.

Hi Anon - thanks for posting the update and I'm just so sorry that you are facing this.

I'm currently going through counselling and whilst I felt strong enough to put this on the back burner until now, I know that I have to understand myself better than I ever think I have. I want to understand the reasons that allow me to make the decision I have.

I do not profess to be an angel by any stretch, not by a long shot but I am trying, really trying to be a better husband, father, colleague and just generally a better person, for myself.

After over 20 years of full on gambling addiciton, I now look back and am truly ashamed of my past actions and decisions. I have hurt a lot of loved ones, some relationships I have broken beyond repair, others remain fragile, including my marriage.

One person stood up to me. My sister. Last April when I 'confessed', I was desperate, in serious financial trouble. I turned to loan sharks and thankfully not 'work'. I can however understand (not excuse) why your BF did what he did. It is time now though for him to make better decisions, he needs to use the experts and the help that is available to him. Well done him for confessing, I hope it helps dampen to a degree his ex-employers actions, however that is for him to face. It is a consequence of his actions. Yes he is an addict, yes he needs help but he also needs someone like my sister. He does not need bail outs, he needs to be treated as a compulsive liar, he is. He is a manipulator and he is desperate. He might be remorseful, I certainly was - every time. He will say and promise whatever he wants to 'right' this situation and yet the only thing - the only thing - you can know observe are his actions.

A promise to seek help means diddly squat, a promise to make things better means jack all, to never do it again - worthless.

I am a compuslive gambler, I always will be. I hope I can remain in control, remain making better choices but I can't tell you, my wife, my sister or most importantly, I can't tell myself I will never gamble again - well I can say that but I can't gaurantee it.

My sister is my hero. She paused a lot of things in her life to support me and I will be eternaly grateful and I honestly do appreciate just how fortunate I am to have had that.

She was so harsh to me, so blunt, so ruthless. I had stories I wanted to share, I wanted to apportion blame and make excuses. She refused to listen - told me I could tell someone else but that she was not going to listen, she didn't care what the story was, she was not interested in how I felt or why I gambled, she was not bothered if I was sobbing my heart out - she told me I was trying to manipulate her, trying to break her resolve.

I was telling her I was desperate, that I might have to sell the car, I might have to sleep on the beach (UK April - ouch!) she did two things, she paid for a pre-paid phone, £10 with £10 credit. She saved the samaritans number in there. She gave me a second hand kids tent with a teenagers old sleeping bag. She told me to stay safe and call if I was contemplating anything but also let me face the consequences. If the car needed to be sold, If I needed to sleep on the beach, in a field then so beit.

She has access to money, she could afford to put me in a b&b for a month if needed but no, that wasn't an option. No bailouts.

She sat with me whilst I phoned every debtor I owed money to. (she let me use her phone for this) She made me do everything.

It was the toughest few weeks of my life, there was a night when I was sat in my car down a country lane. Essentially no phone (just the emergency one), barely enough fuel to make it to work, an old too small for me sleeping bag to try and stay warm and that was me.

I'm so sorry to ramble when you have so much on your plate already but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I owe my sister my life, I have no doubts about that. I am so grateful for her actions but she didn't save me. I saved myself. She just made me see that I could do that. I'm fighting to be that better person, for me.

You can love your BF, you can't save him. This is his battle. If he wants to win, he can and he will.

I really hope this makes sense and my heart goes out to you both, for very different reasons. You however do not deserve this, you did not cause this and you only have one life. Look after yourself, be strong and do not fall for his lies and manipulation any more. He will find his way, you might still be on that path but whatever happens he will thank you if you stand up for yourself.

I hope you find time and energy to follow Lethe's advice and do something nice for yourself.

Thank you so much Lethe that is such supportive and understanding advice. I have one of my friends that I have confided in, she has offered me a place to stay at hers if I feel like escaping, which I have put off as I feel that would be a huge deal but maybe it would be good for me, nice to have the option. She is the only person IRL that will not judge me for staying with him or judge him for his problems. Me and my partner have spent some time talking and crying. He has not gambled since last Monday. Given he lost his job today I’m surprised he hasn’t today, he said he’s really trying and has realised that all this is because of gambling. I hope this is the worst it will get. He’s lost his job by they haven’t confirmed if they will take legal action with regard to the missing money. I guess that is what tomorrow will bring. And god do I need tomorrow to bring a better day. I don’t know what will happen but I don’t need to make decisions until I’m ready you are right and thank you. I really need to be reminded of that. My finances are mine he cannot access thankfully as that is all we have for the time being. I hope tomorrow brings a better day xxxxxxx thank you Lethe I really appreciate your advice xxxxxx

thankWow compulsive gambler thank you for your words and for your honesty about your situation. I cried through your entire message and I’m very grateful you had your sister too. Even though her methods may seem harsh at times I understand why she did what she did and clearly it worked!! I have felt similar things, my emotions today have been a rollercoaster and I have felt such anger towards him. In a way it is quite reassuring you say you understand his thought process, I’m still trying to get my head around it and I’m still trying to understand how you said and others have said they love each day by that day and it’s too much to say they will never gamble ever again. It is really helpful to understand it from the otherside. Even with everything he’s put me through I do still picture us together and a life free of gambling, I don’t think I’m naive anymore, but if you don’t have hope you have nothing so I’m going with that. Tomorrow is another day so I hope my hope is still there. I do feel so drained and I would love to do some things to put it on a back burner but anything I can think of involves money. Apart from staying at my friends so maybe I could do that even for one night. Thank you so much for taking such an amount of time to share everything. I hope you are coping okay and it sounds like you are really getting through it and making such progress. You should be really proud of yourself and I hope my boyfriend has a future like yours where he is righting his wrongs and fighting this gambling disease. Good luck to you and thank you xxxxxxx

Hope you are doing OK anon...

best wishes

Hi Compulsive Gambler thank you for checking up on me and sorry for the silence all this time. I have been in limbo and not really knowing what each day would bring and if I’m honest I wasn’t doing ok. Updates so by some absolute miracle his ex employers have accepted a repayment plan. My partner lied to me about returning the tools and laptop for the last 7 weeks. I had my doubts but didn’t push as I didn’t have the energy with everything else going on. They have accepted £500 a month for 6 months and then it will be £750 until it’s cleared. This will wipe us out. It’s better than him going to prison of course but this year and into next will be consumed by the fear of having to make sure we make every single payment otherwise they don’t need to be nice anymore! So the year isn’t going to be great. We have a total of £67 for the next week too as he didn’t get paid at the end of Feb. He has managed to get work, without references, another miracle but he doesn’t get paid until 1 April. He says he’s not gambled since he lost his job which I assume is right as I haven’t given him more than about £2, harsh I know but given we only have £67 I’m sure you can understand. Some stress has eased knowing prison isn’t imminent but I don’t think I will totally be myself again until this is cleared and all paid back. What if he gambled his entire salary again and we can’t pay? This is my life for the next year and I just want to be happy and at peace. Thank you again for checking up on me. I will need this support if this year doesn’t go to plan. I don’t know what il do. Xxxxx

Hi anonymous as you've said he's been very lucky. Try and get some support for you, maybe a gamanon meeting? It's a lot to deal with alone. Unfortunately you cannot stop a compulsive gambler but hopefully he's taking steps to arrest his addiction. It's good he's working again. Look after you, not allowing him money is a good thing. Hope you feel a bit less overwhelmed.

Wow, what an opportunity he has. That decision by his ex-employers could be the best thing that's ever happened to him. What a chance, what an opportunity, is he ready to take it. The money - what is he doing to make arrangements, will you be late paying anything, has he contacted any creditors to discuss the options?

How's things?

Hi Everyone.

I am new to this, and nervous, but don't know where to turn. My husband of 10 years is a gambler. We have had plenty of issues over the years and I've always tried to support/ help/ even forgive him but yesterday I discovered yet another large amount hes gambled away. The worst thing is some of the money he has gambled came from his late Grandma who left us some in her will. He hid this from me and chose to gamble it away instead of using that for our family. Its all the lies that hurt so much. We have 3 young children and already have previous debt (that i pay) some of this is from him gambling. Some of this is from bill/ household money that he chose to gamble instead of pay bills.

So I find myself at a crossroads. I love him and our family unit, but when is enough enough? How many more times will we go through this? At what point do I put myself and my children first and walk away? Please help me 🙁

Hello His Wife, Compulsive Gambler and Merry Go Round. Compulsive Gambler and Merry go round thank you for your continued support as always. My partner gets paid tomorrow so I’m going to hide his phone in our flat and turn it off so he can’t gamble in the night and can transfer me the money in the morning. Extreme measures I know but t worked the last time he got paid in Januaury and I could take care of every penny, let’s hope I can going forward. First payment to his ex employers is at the end of April so fingers crossed all goes well. I’m struggling at the moment as in theory I got exactly what I wanted, his ex employers to agree to a payment plan and him to get a job. Yet I feel just as stressed as I always did. He has moved on from all this, in his head he’s not going to prison and has a new job life is good. For me, life is very much uncertain because we have over a year of paying every spare penny we have to pay off his gambling debt. I’m scared, petrified that he might gamble. Because then what? I try and talk to him but he just moans that I am negative and unsupportive and making him want to gamble. I get so mad I am trying to express how I feel?! Anyway, that is my update, I feel ungrateful for this luck we have had and this chance but I’m too scared to feel relief. Thank you for caring. All the best xxxxx