My son is in unmanageable debt and still Gambling

@ykfdzrgi15 I am very sorry that you are going through this.  As a parent myself and a recovering gambling addict I can only imagine the stress and worry that you are in.

Having read your post I get the feeling that you have done everything you possibly can.  Sometimes someone needs to hit rock bottom only to discover that there is even further to fall before coming to terms with an addiction and facing the reality.

If you are sending him links and constantly on at him, as well as bailing him out he will just build a wall and reject help but accept anything that can prolong his problem gambling.

I would strongly advise you to make it clear to him that you will no longer support him in any way financially.  Financial withdrawal does not mean you don't care or will not be there for him emotionally.

Gambling recovery and a recovery from any addiction is a personal road.  You can help someone on their way but you can't walk it for them.

Don't lose yourself in this.  He is a grown man and responsible for his own actions and shielding him from the consequences of these actions is not fair to you or him.

Sorry, that was not meant to sound harsh!  All the best moving forwards and keep us posted.

I was that person. I got into unimaginable debts (considerably more than your son) and it took a massive effort by me to get past it. Unfortunately that effort has to start with the gambler. I hot rock bottom. Scared of debt collectors, scared of phone calls, unable to buy food, petrol, gifts for birthdays. I finally had enough and knew I had to change. Roll on 4 months and I've lost everything. Marriage, home, family, yet I am still committed to beating this and am still gamble free. That's the commitment it needs. you're son needs a reality check unfortunately. I know it pains you to see him going through this, but he needs to understand the true cost of his addiction, and that means going it alone financially. Took me to the age of 46 to finally grow up and realise that i cant live day to day hoping I'll win some money but knowing i wont.

You've been amazingly supportive, and you can still be, but this journey needs to start with him now. If it doesn't, you'll be back here in a few months. No more money, just support and love. If he goes hungry, he goes hungry. If he cant afford petrol, he walks. Cant pay his phone bill? Guess what, no more phone. It really does have to be that harsh. He's using you to keep him gambling at the moment. Not intentionally. Its just what gamblers do. 

I know this sounds horrible, but it really is all up to him now. you've done all you can, and more, but now he has to man up and own it. 

I feel for you, i really do. Gambling is horrible and makes people do things they don't even realise. They lie and take advantage all without knowing they are doing it. It takes a good hard knock to bring that reality home. get him to show you his bank statements. That will shock him (and you). Show him yours, how you've paid his debts for nothing. 

Wishing you all the best. Please let us know how you get on. To see the pain gamblers cause others might help someone on their journey.

Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond. I know you are both right it’s just so hard with someone you love. I want to make it go away but o know I can’t. I am struggling not to pay his rent for him asI’m frightened of him losing his flat but I know I can’t have him home. I know he has got to do this but I can’t see how he will. He has so much debt and he can’t see a way out and how to pay and I can’t either. 
He keeps threatening to end his life, he maybe trying to manipulate me but it’s so hard. I know there are tougher times ahead and just hoping I can remain strong. Thank you again 

With his dept that there, maybe try step change they are a charity that take on peoples debt who struggle with addiction. And I’m pretty sure that once a dept plan is in place they will struggle to qualify for anymore loans or credit cards. Hope this helps! 

Hello Lottie

Thanks for posting on our forum.

I can hear how distressing it is to see what your son is going through but to feel like whatever you do, you aren’t able to help, even though it is taking over your lives. It sounds like it’s constantly on your mind and you’re desperately searching for a solution. Feeling like you don’t have control over something can cause so much anxiety.

Gambling can have far-reaching impacts and lead to a huge amount of loss and I can hear your son is struggling financially and mentally. In particular, you mention that your son can’t see a way out of debt. The information on the Citizens UK website around debt and money could be useful to you all. We have also produced a factsheet on debt advice and support with details of organisations in the UK that offer support and advice, as well as a money guidance service (you can find out more about this by calling our Helpline – please see details below).

It sounds so difficult for you to hear your son talking about wanting to end his life. You may find this link from Samaritans good to have a look at:  https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/supporting-someone-suicidal-thoughts/ .

As you can see from the other responses to your post, you and your family are not on your own – we are here to support you. If you would like to talk to us confidentially about all of this, and to find out about possible further support for you all, you could talk to someone on our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or through our 1:1 Livechat. We offer support for anyone affected by gambling harms.

I hope you’re able to continue using our forums for support and well done for finding the courage to reach out for help.

Wishing you all the best,

Claire

Stepchange are fantastic. They contact all your lenders, sort out your finances so you can pay back the debt and also live a normal life. Yes its tight but we got ourselves into this mess we will have to get ourselves out. Now i have a date i will be debt free and all i had to do was contact them, they literally did everything else. Cant recommend them enough. Get your son on here. Once he's read a few stories, good and bad, he will be more committed to quitting.

@rxgvbhj5w4 Thank you, he is already with them and they have been very helpful. He will default on this month’s payment as he has nothing in his account. I am trying to get him to ring them, I don’t know if there is anything they can do but I feel he needs to let them know. Unfortunately he is in such a dark place he can’t process any suggestions.

@forum-admin that is very helpful thank you. I will forward him the links and try to get him onboard with some positive action. I am so grateful for the responses from everyone. I have read other people’s experiences in the past and taken some ‘comfort’ knowing people understand the pain of gambling. I have good friends but unless you have been touched by it you really cant understand how hideous it is and how it can destroy people. This has really helped thank you 

As a recovering addict myself I sympathize with your situation it's extremely difficult for a parent however your son will only reach out for help when he's at rock bottom and nowhere else to turn for financial support.

Try and get him to his nearest gamblers anonymous meeting ASAP even if he doesn't want to go I've often heard over the years from other members that when they attended there 1st meeting they didn't think they were a compulsive gambler until they heard a therapy from another member.

Just try and support him and I wouldn't recommend bailing him out again he needs to hit rock bottom as harsh as it sounds to help himself good luck

Afternoon Lottie @ykfdzrgi15

My heart goes out to you . My son gambled for 9 years from the age of 18. Caused heart, carnage and wrecked our homelife, relationships and broke me. So much of what You say resonates with me. I loved my son so much and rescued him, only for him to take more loans out. Finally hacked into my bank and stole from me. My last straw but not his. I then knew that the decision to stop could only be his. Shouts to me to kick him out from friends and family and turn my back on him , but could not.

His rock bottom came when loansharks were closing in on him and threats to harm me.
He had no hope and hit his rock bottom that was an awful event, but he pulled through

I had heard of Gordon moody charity and had called them myself. My son was not interested up until that point. Thankfully he referred himself and was brought back from the brink at age 27. 12 week residential program totally rebuilt him.  But he had to be ready. Have a look at their services.  Gordon Moody - Tackling Gambling Addiction

I now volunteer to give back to parents and loved ones that are going through what I went through. Take care of you please as you are important. Gamcare offers email support paired up with us volunteers if you are interested call  Helpline on 0808 8020 133  also to see what other support is right for you

Today my son is 17 months gamble free, still hard work to work on himself but its worth it for a new life for him and for us as a mother and son.

Patsy

Online peer Supporter

@ofb741hvqs please forgive me I missed this! Someone recommended Gordon Moody but I read some very damming reviews (having said that he wouldn’t even consider it at the moment) We are in that sickening void yet again. Straight after there is the self hatred, then a period of it not being mentioned or dealt with and because of that we wait for the next time. The cycle goes on and each time the gambling becomes more extreme and destructive. Things aren’t as awful as they were a couple of weeks ago but knowing this isn’t the end and scared it never will be stops us leading a normal life. Thank you for responding x

Evening Lottie @ykfdzrgi15

Gordon Moody are amazing and they have now improved their after care service. But I know there were people there that were not fully committed to change and so that can cause bad reviews perhaps. I can only praise them to the max, saved my son.

The cycles becoming more destructive is a worry for you and I can remember the self hatred as they hate themselves more than anyone in the world could. As painful as the gambling harm is......it is also their norm. This may sound weird but can become all that someone knows. Stepping out of the cycle is really scary for them. But he needs to surrender to the harm and then try anything that helps. GA has its place for many. Helped to sow seeds of help with my son and talking to GAMCare was also valuable to my son and for me.

Sensible conversations happened after the self hatred when he was able to reflect, keep drip feeding the help out there

Make sure you look after you as I was about to mentally go under with the strain of trying to stop him gamble. Which you cant!!

Supporting your son when he ready is key. 

Hope that you find as much help that you need

Patsy

Online peer Supporter