I have come to this forum for advice and support as I consumed by my son’s situation. He is 27 years old and last year admitted he was in debt having been gambling for years unbeknown to us. He had taken out loans, credit cards, overdrafts etc and got himself into £30,000 of debt that he couldn’t pay. Being totally unaware of the hideous disease gambling is, I together with his dad and brother cleared his debt stupidly thinking he could start his life fresh.
Within 2 weeks he had done it all again and more. His money is being managed by Break even and we have continued to offer support, and I have stupidly bought shopping and paid bills when he has had a relapse. I have pleaded, blackmailed, threatened for him to speak with professional but all under duress so pointless. After a recent blip in his life he hot paid and gambled everything before paying any bills, rent etc. I have spoken so many times to GamFam, read forums etc knowing I shouldn’t bail him out but it is killing me seeing how he is. I know if I do I am enabling him to carry on but I think of what the alternative is going to be and it crushes me. I can’t think of anything else, I am speaking to friends but no one understands the grip it has. My family is broken and I can’t fix it. It’s taking over all our lives and he still isn’t in a place to make changes. I can’t stop myself sending links etc hoping he will do something. He is talking about loan sharks and I’m terrified of the implications telling him he is just compounding his problems but he can’t see a way out. It is taking over all our lives.
@ykfdzrgi15 I am very sorry that you are going through this. As a parent myself and a recovering gambling addict I can only imagine the stress and worry that you are in.
Having read your post I get the feeling that you have done everything you possibly can. Sometimes someone needs to hit rock bottom only to discover that there is even further to fall before coming to terms with an addiction and facing the reality.
If you are sending him links and constantly on at him, as well as bailing him out he will just build a wall and reject help but accept anything that can prolong his problem gambling.
I would strongly advise you to make it clear to him that you will no longer support him in any way financially. Financial withdrawal does not mean you don't care or will not be there for him emotionally.
Gambling recovery and a recovery from any addiction is a personal road. You can help someone on their way but you can't walk it for them.
Don't lose yourself in this. He is a grown man and responsible for his own actions and shielding him from the consequences of these actions is not fair to you or him.
Sorry, that was not meant to sound harsh! All the best moving forwards and keep us posted.
Hi
Thank you for coming to this forum for advice and support.
In my time being in the recovery program I have witnessed so many vulnerable people who think that money and an addiction was an answer to the pains that they are nto able to heal.
The addiction and obsessions just indicate that your son is emotionally vulnerable.
As a parent we want our children to become healthy as they can be.
I like many people before me feared walking in to the recovery program yet in time I did it.
But sticking with recovery was very important for my well being and for my healing.
Just to abstain was hard and I use to go more than one meeting just to abstain.
Finding meetings with healthy therapies took time.
It was helpful for some people to have people take them to the meetings.
There is gamanon which is support for the people who want to help addicts.
The addiction and obsessions just indicated that I had certain emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears that I could not face or reduce.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreeasonable expectatons of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my boredom because I could not fulfill my needs my wants or stop procrastinating.
One important thing for me to do was hand over all finacnes over to my wife.
Then each day I was given pocket money to buy snacks coffee etc.
This being given daily pocket money was important untill I was able to trust my self with small amounts of money.
By finding meetings with healthy therapies and not so much talking about money lost or talking about being in action.
With healthy therapies people are able to articualte their feelings ad emotions and cope with their emotional triggers in a much healthier way.
So after some time once people exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits then writing down daily lists was important.
Being in the recovery now over 50 years it was a life save.
Finding like minded people to share with was very important for my recovery.
On Thursday 1 st July I celebrate in Calgary 32 years clean from gambling.
My anger was due to my pains not being healed.
My anger was due to my fears not being faced or reduced.
My anger was due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
The therapies in time lead to healing the hurt inner child in me.
The therapies in time lead to healthy intimacy with my self and with other people.
Is it healthy to live in fear.
The pains in my past that did not heal caused fears in me that I did not understand.
If it a healthy meeting we as a group reduce our fear.
If it a healthy meeting we as a group our trust grows.
If it a healthy meeting we as a group when it comes to closing we tend to talk after wards.
I am a non religious person so sharing with like minded spirtual people helped with my recovery.
Every step in recovery is about understanding what is healthy and what is unhealthy.
Procrastination is not healthy being in recovery.
Writing down our needs our wants and our goals is important to my growth even today.
Living in fear is very unhealthy for any family.
Learning to have healthy intimacy with encouragement and nurturing is important.
If some had given me money just before I walked in to the recovery program I would not be here today.
In time the hurt little child in me started to heal and come out of his fears.
By being in recovery some might exchange one unhealthy habit for another unhealthy habit this is not healthy for any one.
I understand that when I went back to gambling I made things and life much harder.
It has taken me a long time to find and heal the hurt inner child in me.
The gambling addiction was a very unhealthy form of escape, a very unhealthy form of self abuse.
A healthy Gamanon room will help people supporting the gambler to heal.
Living in fear is not healthy.
Living in fear indicates there are pains in the past not healed.
If a person takes recovery seriously he will no longer say I have to dothis or do that.
If a person takes recovery seriously he will write down his needs and his wants reglularly and get things done in healthy ways.
Even taking or driving people to the meetings help every one.
Healing love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I was that person. I got into unimaginable debts (considerably more than your son) and it took a massive effort by me to get past it. Unfortunately that effort has to start with the gambler. I hot rock bottom. Scared of debt collectors, scared of phone calls, unable to buy food, petrol, gifts for birthdays. I finally had enough and knew I had to change. Roll on 4 months and I've lost everything. Marriage, home, family, yet I am still committed to beating this and am still gamble free. That's the commitment it needs. you're son needs a reality check unfortunately. I know it pains you to see him going through this, but he needs to understand the true cost of his addiction, and that means going it alone financially. Took me to the age of 46 to finally grow up and realise that i cant live day to day hoping I'll win some money but knowing i wont.
You've been amazingly supportive, and you can still be, but this journey needs to start with him now. If it doesn't, you'll be back here in a few months. No more money, just support and love. If he goes hungry, he goes hungry. If he cant afford petrol, he walks. Cant pay his phone bill? Guess what, no more phone. It really does have to be that harsh. He's using you to keep him gambling at the moment. Not intentionally. Its just what gamblers do.
I know this sounds horrible, but it really is all up to him now. you've done all you can, and more, but now he has to man up and own it.
I feel for you, i really do. Gambling is horrible and makes people do things they don't even realise. They lie and take advantage all without knowing they are doing it. It takes a good hard knock to bring that reality home. get him to show you his bank statements. That will shock him (and you). Show him yours, how you've paid his debts for nothing.
Wishing you all the best. Please let us know how you get on. To see the pain gamblers cause others might help someone on their journey.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond. I know you are both right it’s just so hard with someone you love. I want to make it go away but o know I can’t. I am struggling not to pay his rent for him asI’m frightened of him losing his flat but I know I can’t have him home. I know he has got to do this but I can’t see how he will. He has so much debt and he can’t see a way out and how to pay and I can’t either.
He keeps threatening to end his life, he maybe trying to manipulate me but it’s so hard. I know there are tougher times ahead and just hoping I can remain strong. Thank you again
With his dept that there, maybe try step change they are a charity that take on peoples debt who struggle with addiction. And I’m pretty sure that once a dept plan is in place they will struggle to qualify for anymore loans or credit cards. Hope this helps!
Hello Lottie
Thanks for posting on our forum.
I can hear how distressing it is to see what your son is going through but to feel like whatever you do, you aren’t able to help, even though it is taking over your lives. It sounds like it’s constantly on your mind and you’re desperately searching for a solution. Feeling like you don’t have control over something can cause so much anxiety.
Gambling can have far-reaching impacts and lead to a huge amount of loss and I can hear your son is struggling financially and mentally. In particular, you mention that your son can’t see a way out of debt. The information on the Citizens UK website around debt and money could be useful to you all. We have also produced a factsheet on debt advice and support with details of organisations in the UK that offer support and advice, as well as a money guidance service (you can find out more about this by calling our Helpline – please see details below).
It sounds so difficult for you to hear your son talking about wanting to end his life. You may find this link from Samaritans good to have a look at: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/supporting-someone-suicidal-thoughts/ .
As you can see from the other responses to your post, you and your family are not on your own – we are here to support you. If you would like to talk to us confidentially about all of this, and to find out about possible further support for you all, you could talk to someone on our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or through our 1:1 Livechat. We offer support for anyone affected by gambling harms.
I hope you’re able to continue using our forums for support and well done for finding the courage to reach out for help.
Wishing you all the best,
Claire
Stepchange are fantastic. They contact all your lenders, sort out your finances so you can pay back the debt and also live a normal life. Yes its tight but we got ourselves into this mess we will have to get ourselves out. Now i have a date i will be debt free and all i had to do was contact them, they literally did everything else. Cant recommend them enough. Get your son on here. Once he's read a few stories, good and bad, he will be more committed to quitting.
@rxgvbhj5w4 Thank you, he is already with them and they have been very helpful. He will default on this month’s payment as he has nothing in his account. I am trying to get him to ring them, I don’t know if there is anything they can do but I feel he needs to let them know. Unfortunately he is in such a dark place he can’t process any suggestions.
@forum-admin that is very helpful thank you. I will forward him the links and try to get him onboard with some positive action. I am so grateful for the responses from everyone. I have read other people’s experiences in the past and taken some ‘comfort’ knowing people understand the pain of gambling. I have good friends but unless you have been touched by it you really cant understand how hideous it is and how it can destroy people. This has really helped thank you
As a recovering addict myself I sympathize with your situation it's extremely difficult for a parent however your son will only reach out for help when he's at rock bottom and nowhere else to turn for financial support.
Try and get him to his nearest gamblers anonymous meeting ASAP even if he doesn't want to go I've often heard over the years from other members that when they attended there 1st meeting they didn't think they were a compulsive gambler until they heard a therapy from another member.
Just try and support him and I wouldn't recommend bailing him out again he needs to hit rock bottom as harsh as it sounds to help himself good luck
Afternoon Lottie @ykfdzrgi15
My heart goes out to you . My son gambled for 9 years from the age of 18. Caused heart, carnage and wrecked our homelife, relationships and broke me. So much of what You say resonates with me. I loved my son so much and rescued him, only for him to take more loans out. Finally hacked into my bank and stole from me. My last straw but not his. I then knew that the decision to stop could only be his. Shouts to me to kick him out from friends and family and turn my back on him , but could not.
His rock bottom came when loansharks were closing in on him and threats to harm me.
He had no hope and hit his rock bottom that was an awful event, but he pulled through
I had heard of Gordon moody charity and had called them myself. My son was not interested up until that point. Thankfully he referred himself and was brought back from the brink at age 27. 12 week residential program totally rebuilt him. But he had to be ready. Have a look at their services. Gordon Moody - Tackling Gambling Addiction
I now volunteer to give back to parents and loved ones that are going through what I went through. Take care of you please as you are important. Gamcare offers email support paired up with us volunteers if you are interested call Helpline on 0808 8020 133 also to see what other support is right for you
Today my son is 17 months gamble free, still hard work to work on himself but its worth it for a new life for him and for us as a mother and son.
Patsy
Online peer Supporter
@ofb741hvqs please forgive me I missed this! Someone recommended Gordon Moody but I read some very damming reviews (having said that he wouldn’t even consider it at the moment) We are in that sickening void yet again. Straight after there is the self hatred, then a period of it not being mentioned or dealt with and because of that we wait for the next time. The cycle goes on and each time the gambling becomes more extreme and destructive. Things aren’t as awful as they were a couple of weeks ago but knowing this isn’t the end and scared it never will be stops us leading a normal life. Thank you for responding x
Evening Lottie @ykfdzrgi15
Gordon Moody are amazing and they have now improved their after care service. But I know there were people there that were not fully committed to change and so that can cause bad reviews perhaps. I can only praise them to the max, saved my son.
The cycles becoming more destructive is a worry for you and I can remember the self hatred as they hate themselves more than anyone in the world could. As painful as the gambling harm is......it is also their norm. This may sound weird but can become all that someone knows. Stepping out of the cycle is really scary for them. But he needs to surrender to the harm and then try anything that helps. GA has its place for many. Helped to sow seeds of help with my son and talking to GAMCare was also valuable to my son and for me.
Sensible conversations happened after the self hatred when he was able to reflect, keep drip feeding the help out there
Make sure you look after you as I was about to mentally go under with the strain of trying to stop him gamble. Which you cant!!
Supporting your son when he ready is key.
Hope that you find as much help that you need
Patsy
Online peer Supporter
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