Hiya
wife of a gambling addict here. Having struggled with this hell for +13 years I wanted to reach out to other partners to tell them the fantasy they dream off with it ending very likely does not exist. Im sorry! I know it’s rough and you don’t want to believe it but it’s likely true. I’m here to tell you what I wish someone had told me years ago! The honest horrendous truth! Run for the hills!!!
I did everything I could. Counselling for me, counselling for him, counselling together. I tried to manage his finances, I separated our finances , I made us financially independent. It’s all for nothing. The financial element is the tip of the iceberg - you are likely to suffer years of damaging emotional, psychological, financial and perhaps other forms of domestic abuse. If your lucky enough to escape the abuse you still have to cope with the fact The trust is destroyed beyond repair.
When you finally can’t take anymore strain, financially, emotionally etc and you end the marriage brace yourself for what can only be described as post relationship abuse of all kinds. If they cannot financially support themselves because of their financial mess that is your problem to pay for too if you are married!!! All the separating of finances years ago to protect yourself appears to mean nothing in the eyes of marriage law. You potentially owe for half their debts! They get half of everything you own.
I’m currently faced with the potential of selling my childrens home which I own in my sole name and pay for solely myself to give my gambling addict ex half the equity in a divorce ! That’s before we get into the fact he can’t financially support himself so I might need to step in somehow! It’s beyond sickening! So please don’t end up like me- run run run
If you aren’t married to your partner I strongly advice you don’t get married. Protect yourself and your family.
sorry to give this dark side to all those looking for hope! Maybe you will be the lucky one and it will be different for you but I wish I’d known this years ago!
xxxxxxx good luck
This is heartbreaking to read this but after 30 years of gambling daily (20 of that hiding my addiction shame from my wife) I am 568 days gamble free. It can be done but the secret is he has to want to give up & be able to accept the support wherever it comes from. So sorry that this hasn't happened for you & your husband but there is always hope.
Good Morning Bark,
This is a truly heartbreaking account of your life. It is extremely sad and you deserve so much better.
The way of the system as you explained it is appalling. You should not be suffering in this way.
Equally so, I am appalled that your ex husband would take 50% of everything and leave you 50% of his debt. This is a bad story but also highlights a bad human being. This is simply unfair.
I hope for exceptionally fabulous things for you and your kids. I hope tremendous luck comes your way.
As hurt and distressed as you are you now have a new life to start over. I wish you well.
RR
it is possible to stop and stay stopped
YES but The % who actually achieve it is tiny
I have noticed a lot more partners turning up to the forum in recent years i fear there is no solution for them its kind of leave or get punished by association and often the financial impact can be incredibly devestating
Gambling is a very selfish addiction and really has got to be dealt with by the individual and nobody else
I always advise partners to leave immediately when they discover the addiction but very few do
Thanks for all your replies….
“Equally so, I am appalled that your ex husband would take 50% of everything and leave you 50% of his debt. This is a bad story but also highlights a bad human being. This is simply unfair.”
this is the worst bit- absolutely no moral compass whatsoever over not being a complete *** after what we have been put through as a family. Why not do the right thing at the end by your kids? A very bad person who only cares about number one or a suffering addict? Where does addiction stop and a bad person begin?
Good Morning Bark,
This is a truly heartbreaking account of your life. It is extremely sad and you deserve so much better.
The way of the system as you explained it is appalling. You should not be suffering in this way.
Equally so, I am appalled that your ex husband would take 50% of everything and leave you 50% of his debt. This is a bad story but also highlights a bad human being. This is simply unfair.
I hope for exceptionally fabulous things for you and your kids. I hope tremendous luck comes your way.
As hurt and distressed as you are you now have a new life to start over. I wish you well.
RR
I absolutely agree with RR, more than the addiction this person sounds like, for a lack of a better word, simply immoral. I’m so sorry you are going through this Bark-in-silence i really am.
However, I strongly disagree that all cases are hopeless. My partner is gamble free for 2+ yrs now and is very dedicated to the programme. He paid for the deposit of our first home (yes using his gift monies from his parents but he could have spent this elsewhere) and i manage all the finances in our household. Even the monies for the deposit didn’t touch his bank account. He regularly attends GA and currently sponsoring someone. Yes it can be done but it takes a lot of hard work, education and real desire to fight the addiction from the addict themselves.
I am truly so sorry you are going through this. I wish you the healing you deserve and I hope you are able to get support for yourself and your family.
Hi. I'm so so sorry for you and your children to be dealing with this right now. Your soon to be ex husband should sign away his rights to the marital assets. If that was me I'd give it all to my husband and walk away. If yours has half a heart he will too. Good luck xxx
Hi
I have been responsible for my families suffering for a long time.
Yet only once I was in recovery solely for myself would recovery work for me.
It sounds like I needed to become selfish, which is true, yet sadly being in an addiction is not being selfish but self destructive.
My wife got the same advice to leave me and get out.
It took me over 20 years to get to my recovery.
Am I a slow learner, was I that unhealthy, yes very much so yet each time I broke out only indciated I did nto understand what were my emotional triggers.
I am now 29 years 30 this year.
The quality of my recovery was working on myself only.
How much have I healed in that time is amazing.
Yet I also understand there was a reason my wife married me, it only indicated that she to was emotionally vulnerable.
I was not the only one that caused my wife pains that were not healed.
Counselling would only work if both people admit the pains of the past that were not healed before they got together.
How do I measure my recovery today, when every one in the family no longer lives in fear.
When every one in the family can be completely honest and share them selves with every one.
Our secrets indicates we live in fear, our fears and anger indicates the pains of our past are not healed.
No one could stop me gambling, no mind games would work on me until I admitted to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable and that I wanted to live a healthier life.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham
The love of my life has been addicted for years before he met me, managed to recover and now i cought him gambling again. It's really painful for me, but i still haven't talked to him about it. What should I do? I just really don't want to lose him
Thanks for all your replies….
“Equally so, I am appalled that your ex husband would take 50% of everything and leave you 50% of his debt. This is a bad story but also highlights a bad human being. This is simply unfair.”
this is the worst bit- absolutely no moral compass whatsoever over not being a complete *** after what we have been put through as a family. Why not do the right thing at the end by your kids? A very bad person who only cares about number one or a suffering addict? Where does addiction stop and a bad person begin?
I empathise for your situation, but also for your husband. You say they have no moral compass, but sadly that is often something taken from the addicted person - they lose control of that kind of issue.
It's not to say you are not upset for their choices, but they most likely feel they have no choice in the matter sadly.
@johnmac hey - thanks for your comment. An interesting counter view. I understand and have been understanding for years that people with addiction don’t feel they have a choice and these are impulses but everyone has a choice over if they are abusive or not, I did not have a choice about being abused only to leave …..also making your children move out of their home for your own addiction needs is in my opinion a choice.
@bark-in-silence-2 Yes, you are right there is some element of choice, even if only to some degree. I hope you can find the best solution for yourself and your children.
I agree with you Bark, the actions an addict take to fund the gambling during an impulse may be and usually is out of character. However asking you to pay half of the gambling debts he incurred to me is a choice.
@blbk thanks for your reply. I can really relate to your post. You got to the right conclusion much faster than I did.
I too was left unsupported during maternity leave. The manipulation is extreme. You end up too scared to ask to say anything- it wouldn’t be worth the repercussions.
I too am now dealing with post separation abusive behaviour. It is a challenge to move on in these circumstances. Best wishes to you
xxxx
Hi, I'm new to this site.
I discovered that my then boyfriend was gambling 20 years ago. He went to GA and promised he would never gamble again. Fast track 15 years later (now married with 2 young boys) and I am going through his computer ( because I'm feeling desperately insecure about our marriage and can't think why) and I discover bank statements showing online gambing. I found three month worth adding to £10K so no doubt he's lost a lot more. Anyway, it transpires that he's being gambling throughout our entire marriage and I was too stupid to notice.
This was 5 years ago and he has since had a lot of counselling and is very transparent about his finances. I believe him when he says he's not gabling. He's very remorseful....
The issue is I can't get over it and it's destroying our marriage. For years I felt insane, like I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I even thought he was having an affair at one point. I guess it's psychological abuse to gas light someone to the point where they feel insane. I've had so much counselling over the years for my issues but I know it's because I was made to feel like I couldn't trust my own judgement. I feel such a huge amount of resentment for the lies, the manipulation, the fact that he stole from me and his children and for the future we could have had. I can't bring myself to be affectionate towards him and spent most days working out if leaving is the right thing to do.
I know that five years later I should feel less resentment but it only grows.
How do you get over deceit that's spanned the entire duration of your marriage? I feel like it's all been a lie. I am now expected to forgive him because it's a disease.
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