New and out of my depth

Hello ApricotA. He has seen loads of therapists apparently but no one has got to the bottom of why he gambles. I think from speaking to him more about it, it’s is a multitude of reasons and that’s why he nor they can identify the triggers.

his parents split when he was 4yrs old and I think that was to do with his dad gambling. He described his dad as his best friend so guess he looked up to him. He says he would bunk off school to gamble and back then could make the fruit machines work for him and considered it easy money - which I think he finds it hard to break away from that idea.

Over the years he has hurt exes and close family members and says he carries around a great deal of guilt/shame from often borrowing money from his grandma and gambling it. 
his grandma and dad both died within weeks of each other last year so again he has bereavement and guilt in relation to that.

He says he thinks he has issues with commitment- he wants his own family/home etc but thinks maybe he got scared at the idea of moving in with me? He really doesn’t know why he initially gambled this time but is suggesting that.

all in all he has a load of possible reasons which makes it super difficult for me to try and understand or more importantly for either of us to recognise what will cause him to gamble again. 

ive told him he has to go back to meetings and try therapy again - even though they’ve not been able to help in the past. 

it’s all a bit of a mess really. 

thanks for your comments. 

Sorry hit the wrong button! Just wanted to say it was somewhat reassuring to read that you are mostly able to reign it in and seem to have accomplished A lot in terms of progress - if it can even be described as that?!?

you should be really proud of how far you’ve come. I just wish we cld work out what his triggers are but right now it seems to be everything! 

Hello ‘The end’ thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I can tell from your post the anger and hurt you feel and I’m so sorry that you/your kids lives have been ‘ruined’ by your partner/husband.

Since coming on here I’ve done nothing but research it, speak to people and soul search. I am doing my best to look at things objectively though of course that’s not easy at all when you love someone. 
Right now, I have been helping him with the advice I’ve been given around putting in barriers etc and told him I am helping him as a friend whilst I get my head straight.

yes we are going to NY together but as friends as I can’t change the booking (I’ve checked) and I actually want to go with him. However he will be paying for his ticket as I’m no longer gifting it to him.

ive told him I’ll decide in the new year how I feel about us being in a relationship. I agree I am more likely to take him back than not but I don’t want to rush into it. 

I’d have to see significant change in his own motivation to stop such as going to meetings, getting more counselling, allowing his finances etc to be controlled by someone else. Right now he is agreeing to all of this but I know that is quite possibly because this is still raw and it cld be argued that he will say anything to get what he wants - Again I am aware of that.

I appreciate everyone has their own experiences and many have probably been in my position saying they would walk away if he/she gambled one more time. 
I hope that if it comes to it then I will be strong enough. I have cut people including my brother out of my life fully in the past and stood firm so I have a reasonable amount of confidence in my ability to not keep returning to a toxic or failing situation.

i really hope your new life away from your ex works out for you as it sounds like you deserve some real happiness after what you’ve been through.