Hi,
Last June I discovered that my husband was gambling. We got through it, I supported him as much as I could but he refused to go to anymore sessions at the local gambling group and maintained that it was a blip but that he didn't have a problem.
A bit of background. I suffered from postnatal depression 3 years ago which never truly got resolved and then one of our children was in hospital for a long time, he has chronic illness which put a lot of pressure on the whole family and we both ended up with depression again. My husband finally saw his GP about his depression but has been waiting 8 months on a CBT referral. We are both on antidperessants, I saw this as a positive step as really believed things were on the up because it took him such a long time to seek help from GP.
We have a joint account and when I first found out I restricted all access and just gave him cash each week for messages/travel. After several months when he hadn't gambled he got a new card but I still kept a v close eye on acounts. In Janurary I noticed money missing again and appraoched him. He told me he had booked a holiday for us this summer but wanted it to be a surprise. This holiday has been keeping me going, I really felt we needed it after all we have been through.
Yesterday, I found out that there is no holiday and all the money he has been taking to 'pay it off' is now in the bookies. To be honest I couldn't care less about the holiday anymore, I just can't believe this has happened. He now admits he is actually a gambler but refuses to believe he needs help. I told him before if he ever did it again he would have to leave so after work he came home packed his things and left (after clearing out our joint account) I know a lot of websites say to stick by the gambler but I cannot have him around me and looking after him to the detriment of myself. I am dealing with my own mental health and working really hard on recovery, despite the fact I haven't had my husband's support. I feel cheated and disgusted at the lies. I still want him to maintain contact with the children, we are (were) a very close family unit, he is a hands on Dad and they dote on him. But obviously this is going to have v serious consequences for them, especially our eldest who I have had to lie to about her dad being in work early this morning as to why he wasn't there.
Just not sure what to do for the best but know if he comes home, nothing will change. He still gets to have his normal life with his wife and kids by his said so how will give him any motivation to seek help?
I thought my son's illness and my depression was my cross to bear, now this. You think you have reached as low as you can go and turns out things are worse.
Hi Mumof3
Firstly I think you really need to put your husband and the gambling on the back burner and get yourself some support. See if you can find a Gam Anon nearby... it would do you the world of good to know you are not alone in this and hear how other spouses have coped. This is too hard to do on your own and we really tend to lose our perspective in the middle of it.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this. Hopefully you will do what works best for you and your kids. You are the boss of you and right now you are the rational one in your relationship.
I am the mom of a compulsive gambler so the effect it has on me while still devastating is much different. Some of the wives will be popping by soon for more "been there done that" support.
Take Care
Cathyx
Hi,my husband is still gambling and won't accept any help . I have young children but feel I can't leave for various reasons.You have to do what is best for you and your situation.He can get counselling through gamcare which would be a start while waiting for CBT. I have had pnd with everyone of my children so know what it is like . I buried my head in the sand for a lot of years about his gambling, trying to get through my own struggle with life.Take care .
Morning,
Sorry to hear what a hard time you're having. Echo Cathy's advice to look after you, to keep the focus on you. Your problem is the effect that he's having on you and the children, that's more than enough for you to cope with.
Fixing him is his business. Put another way, you can only help you and be responsible for your own choices. No good comes of trying to take ownership of his. I saw your other thread and the replies are as good as you're going to get, there's no magic answer so that we can finally understand. The addiction is irrational, the behaviour that goes with it is irrational and to seek rational and logic from the irrational and the illogical makes it worse. Also if we are too understanding, we risk condoning what shouldn't be condoned, which may be what a gambler wants but too many sweeties cause stomach ache. For these reasons, I'd recommend that step back.
You're not alone and real life support makes it a whole lot easier to cope. Take the help for you so that you can make things better for you.
Look after you,
CW
Thank you. I do feel a change in me this time compared to last time. I was desperate to do anything to help him an change him and he had me convinced he genuinely wasn't a cg, that things got out of hand. Taking the plunge and standing by what I said that if it ever happened again he had to leave is a massive decision for me. Now that I have taken it, I feel incredibly guilty while at the same time knowing he will only really be able to chnage once he realized what he has lost. My poor poor children, can't even imagine that impact this will have on them. Think my youngest two have already picked up on it, they are so clingy and not sleeping. So my lack of sleep isnt helping with my perspective either.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
