Not in debt..

Wifetocg wrote:

Hi

I am the wife of a gambler. He's been gambling for years but he has never been, and I don't believe would ever get, into debt. However I think this makes him believe that it's not a problem, but it is.

During a bad time he spent £1200 in a day, during good times it will be £200 a week. He works extremely hard and earns good money and this is the reason it has not brought financial troubles, but who has £600 a month to throw away?!

Only once has he admitted he has a problem when he was drunk, but he constantly says he needs to stop and he'll try. On numberous occassionals he'll say if he doesn't stop this time he will get help, but he never does.

My question is.. where do I go from here? What do I do to help? I am lost. I have tried being understanding and giving him the chance to "prove he can stop" knowing full well he can't, I've tried showing him how worried I am and almost guilting him with our very young daughter and I've also tried screaming at him and threatening him, nothing has worked so far!

Thank you in advance for any advice.

Sorry I clicked on the abusive button by mistake.

I am in a similar position as your husband but I have spent £1000's on online slots, I have not got into debt as it was my money to spend, however I am now racked with guilt as the money could have been spent on something meaningful.

I have not told my wife any of this as I am absolutely scared to death of doing so. I am seen as the 'Rock' for everyone...anyone has a problem .....oh he will sort it our....and I do.

But with the gambling I am not a Rock in fact th exact opposite,..... I need help and at the moment IO am hoping that this forum will help me sort my head out, kick the addiction and get back to my safe, secure, suceessful life.

I dont have any answers or opinions for you at the moment as I am still asking questions from myself, but if do come to any conclusions/ideas/opinions I will post them here.

Wishing you all the best

You could ask him to look at these questions, answer them honestly and then ask him to decide and see if he agrees http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions

Is it all his money or is it joint money?

Hi

Sorry to see the worry he's putting you through. First thing to say is it's not wise to trust anything he says without seeing proof which means access to his credit reports (all three agencies) to check the true state of affairs. If he hasn't run up debt so far all well and good but CG's can and regularly do run up eye watering amounts behind their trusting family's backs. Also bear in mind it's a progressive addiction. Even if he hasn't run up debt so far there's nothing to say things will stay that way.

It's a normal reaction to want to help but the truth is unless he wants to stop he won't and there won't be anything you or anyone else can do or say to make him or help him. Your choices lie with how you protect yourself and your daughter. Get the finances under your sole control and savings into your sole name, cut as much financial connection with him as you can, look for RL support from family and/or GamAnon and read up on the addiction Put your interests first. Unless and until he stops you're the only one who will.

Hi Wifetocg. I agree to what Lethe said: 1. DON'T TRUST everything he says. He may be honest. But if he's not???

​2 . Protect your finances from him: NO joint accounts, no access to any of your earnings. Do you have joint mortgage? Get financial advice to protect your share. Hide your passport. By doing this you are showing him that you mean "business" and that his behaviour is financially frustrating. Do all these at least. It costs nothing. You will thank all of us later. 3. I am sorry to say this but now that you know about his problem be on ALERT at all times. What I am trying to say is: Prepare for the worst hope for the best. But be as practical as you can. 4. Inform yourself as much as you can. Information is power.x

​

​

​

​

Hi whatafool. It is your own and personal decision to come clean to your wife. All partners and friends of a CG will tell you that the loss of Money is hurtful but much more painful is the SECRECY, The LIES, the "behind our back" attitude. If you admit you need help than get help NOW!!! IF you don't have any debts yet than your recovery should be smooth compared to the journey of other CGs. The sooner you treat your condition the higher the rate of success.. If you act now than your problem will be a bad dream only in a near future. My partner is a CG and one day I asked him " What would you have done if I was the compulsive Gambler and you were on the other side of the fence? And he replied "I don't know!" Which meant that if he walked in my shoes he would have left me by that point. . Love yourself and RESPECT yourself and obviously find the reason you started gambling. It doesn't just happen. It can be anything: Boredom, unhappy with your work, relationship, friends.etc. The answer is within you but you need a bit of help from outside. And I will tell you as someone told me and it has proven to be such a great advice.: When in need ACCEPT the help of people. Around you offer. Itigjt as well save your life your sanity. Keep well. Be true to yourself.x

​

Hi,

I am in the same position as you. My partner does the same, gambling £200 over the course of a weekend. He also believes that because he's not in debt and he earns the money he spends that it isn't a problem.
We generally don't argue until he has a bet. He loses, gets annoyed and then plays the I'm really sorry, that's it now I'm giving it up card. Then a week later he's doing it again.

We have a 2 year old daughter, and I don't want to split our family up but i can't see how I can continue to live like this for the rest of my life.
I'm fed up of being made to feel like it's me that's the problem and I'm unreasonable not letting him spend his well earned cash on 'his hobby'.
Have you ever given your husband an ultimatum? I feel like there's no consequences to my partners gambling. He still goes out and buys what he wants and I feel like I'm the one left working for nothing.
Maybe if we told them to leave, and actually meant it they'd change? And if they didn't then are they really worth it?? Who wants to be second best to the bookies? I know I certainly don't.

I hope you're situation is improving now x