Hi,
I'm writing this for any sort of advice I can get for my older brother's (26 years old) gambling addiction. He lost around £20000 September 2018. He confessed this to my parents and I. We then persuaded him to stop. We thought he'd stopped, but just last week, he confessed that he lost another £9000 early January 2019. He feels gambling if the only way to get money, and says he can't stop. He tells me gambling has taken over his life. Whenever he looks at his debts, he thinks he can win it all back through gambing in casinos but obviously loses much more. He's stuck in this cycle, and doesn't know how to get out. He feels like this debt is a burden to him, and compares himself to other people his age, who have lots of money in savings. As a younger brother, I wanted any advice to get him out of this cycle, and help him improve his life. Thanks very much!
Viral
Hi viral. Call gamcare and talk to an adviser. Find a gamanon meeting. Don't give him any money, don't pay his debt. He can self exclude from the casino. He can sign up to gamstop for online gambling. He has to accept the money is gone. He can contact stepchange for debt advice. He should find a GA meeting. He can hand over control of finances to you or his partner if he has one. If he doesn't want to stop he won't. The best way to help is to encourage him to seek help, and no bailouts. He may become more secretive. This is progressive and will get worse, debts get bigger. Find out as much as you can about addiction and compulsive gambling. Protect your finances and seek help. Don't be fooled by sob stories. He needs to find a new hobby and realise his addiction. He'll never win because he can't stop. If he wants the same as his friends he needs to earn it.
Thanks very much. I will visit the casino with him on Saturday and place a 5 year ban from all UK casinos. He will start therapy soon as well. Thanks.
Thanks very much. I will visit the casino with him on Saturday and place a 5 year ban from all UK casinos. He will start therapy soon as well. Thanks.
Morning,
It sounds like you’re looking for “The Solution”, for what you can do to sort out his problem gambling once and for all.
Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work like that, as we have all found to our cost. Better to accept that the gambling is a serious addiction, it’s an emotional problem within the family system, the gambling is compulsive and not easily controlled, that it isn’t going to just go away by itself but that it’s downward spiral can be arrested with the right help. Educate yourself about addiction so that you know what you’re facing. The forum is a good place to start. There’s a tendency to want your own situation to be different but it isn’t, the gambling addiction is standard and the effects that it has on everything and everyone around is standard. If you don’t take it seriously now, if you just think that it’s sorted and it will go away, he says he’s stopped so that’s fine, you’ll find yourself back again in a worse position.
Gambling to retrieve losses is a nonsensical fiction that gamblers tell themselves to rationalise their decision to continue gambling after heavy losses. Gambling actually results in the sort of losses that your brother has seen so far, more gambling will result in more losses. And if he wins? No win is ever big enough so the win will be gambled away sooner rather than later. Usually sooner.
You can’t fix your brother. Blocks and barriers (such as self exclusion and limited access to money) have their place, as a tool to support your brother but mainly as a means of protecting his loved ones. And they only have any effect when the gambler wants to cooperate. Taking away access to gambling doesn’t deal with the addiction so GA is essential. But don’t fall into the trap of thinking that he’s got no money so he can’t, a determined gambler is very creative.
Practical steps? Go to GamAnon, preferably with your other siblings and parents so that you’re all on the same page (gamblers divide and rule). Encourage him to go to GA frequently.
Long term, it’s about learning to protect yourself in the face of the chaos around you. It’s one thing to be advised (correctly) to avoid giving a gambler money, it’s quite another enforcing the refusal. Recognising lies and manipulation is one thing, responding effectively is another. Meeting with others in the same position gives you strength where it’s needed.
CW
Thank you for your amazing advice and knowledge. I realise this is an emotional and tough journey for him, and I'm by his side whenver and whereever. I'll take on board your advice and move on. Thanks once again
Viral
If he is in that deep you will need to block all forms of gambling, that means online, local bookmakers, gambling sites on mobile apps etc. it will be a lot of hard work to be honest. Do you now what form of gambling he did?
Every thing MerryGoRound says is spot on, could not have said it better myself.
While he is in a deep "tilt", emphasis has to be on immediately restricting his access to free cash and credit, if he is not willing to relent control there is littleyou can do, as relapses and wavers in will power will happen, and restricting access to funds is a priority and safeguard to losing large amounts.
I have found gamcare counselling helpful, I mean actual one-one counselling sessions which I had for free.
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