Partner gambled... but now lies and is stealing money again

I'm so sorry to say this but yes, it is completely usual for a compulsive gambler to lie through their teeth even when caught (my mum stole £300 out of my wardrobe whilst I slept through illness & took ages to come clean despite knowing how terrified I was that I had been burgled)! The Facebook stuff aside, having a baby with this man is the last thing you should consider right now, protecting yourself financially & mentally must be top of your agenda! GamCare can offer you phone support & counselling, GamAnon a support group of people & of course this forum but help for you & help for him are completely different!

You must do what is right for you & ensure that there are consequences for his actions. I understand you not wanting to go to the police but if I were you, I would take any money from any joint accounts & shut them down fast then report the suspicious activity on your account to your bank because you will be liable for anything he does in your name if you don't act on it!

It's going to be painful for a while but remember, non of this is your fault & only you know what you can put up with! Be strong - ODAAT

ODAAT thank you for responding.. im feeling so awful tonight and could do with some company.
i have been to GamAnon in the past... but i just am not great at talking about everything becuase i still want to believe him and his lies but deep down i know the truth.

Yes your right i need to change all my details so he has access to nothing and i will....

i just want to believe he is better than this but i feel as though i am being a mug having hope... i am embarrased and blame myself... i just dont understand why he cannot be truthful to me..

I am a CG & a year into recovery I am no futher forwards with figuring out why I did what I did, became what I came! He is better than this but whilst in the grip of addiction, you don't have the him you want or possibly even know! If he were admitting defeat, I would be less aggressive with you but given the ample opportunity to come clean this time around & the support you have shown him in the past, he really has no excuse & the longer he is 'allowed' to get away with this disgraceful behaviour, the more disgusting it will get as the 'disease' progresses!

I don't think you are being a mug having hope, I just think you are underestimating the addiction! Blaming yourself may well be a by product of the excuses he has given you...Nothing you can do will make him stop so rest assured, nothing you did made him start! Have you tried the helpline?

Hi there. I'm sorry your having a hard time. Can I ask did it stop your boyfriend from gambling when his mum had control of his finances last time. Your boyfriend is most likely embarrassed and scared of you finding out the truth so he will be making anything up in the hope you believe him. If your bills aren't being paid you know deep down something is wrong and your gut instinct is probably correct. Please protect your finances as soon as you can and sign up to a credit reference agency to keep an eye on your credit score. This is not your fault your boyfriend has an addiction. If your boyfriend has stopped before hopefully he can stop again. I hope it all works out for you both. - wcid

Thanks for replying WCID... i have spoken to him earlier and he says that he has admitted to gambling three times on football bets over the last 2 months... i didnt even know he could. He has said that the money he has taken was for a weekend away again with no reciepts i know not to believe that 🙁

Yes... he was doing really well actually and thats why im so shocked by all this as its so out the blue. I started trusting him a bit and allowed him to pop to the shop and buy some food instead of me having to always go, and let him use the card to buy a drink at the pub but didnt realise he then would keep the card and think it acceptable to draw cash. Thats why i have blamed myself because i know i shouldnt have allowed that but i just want to trust him in order to have a happy future.

i just want the truth no matter what is it.... but even if he is telling me the truth i could never believe him after all the lies..

gosh my head/heart is in bits!!

It's not 'out of the blue' to me...He's been abstaining not recovering & there is a huge difference! Please, don't put your trust in this man yet...If you want to stick with him & make it work, make him earn it! We are very adept at manipulating loved ones, bending the truth or simply just lying & stealing in laymans terms but our stories (in the early days even more so) are unlikely to stand up to scrutiny! None of your presents have materialised, if he's booking trips (on your money, without your permission & without you) he would have some acknowledgement from a travel operator/hotel so if he can't produce receipts, ask what hotel & phone them! He knows full well you didn't give him permission to help himself! If you want the truth, go get it, if you are prepared to bury your head in the sand & let this go then get yourself protected @ all costs & please, don't rush to get pregnant! I know I'm being pretty vehement about this but imagine how you would feel now if there was a child involved that you'd have to paint a smile on for & protect!

no i completely agree with you.. i woudlnt be in a position to have a child for a long time and thats partly why i am disapointed.. but i am not willing to bury my head in the sand.

i know in my heart i dont believe him so i need to go and find out th truth and hopefully then i can move on. Thank you for your help and i realy appreciate your views especially as you understand it from the other perspective

I can't say I understand but yep, I am from the other side & know how cunning I have been. Living with an active CG is hell on earth, I just wish I could tell you it's all going to be ok but you have a lot of painful decisions to make, just make sure you make them for you. There's absolutely no need to thank me, we are all here helping each other! Someone may have read your post tonight & shouted words of encouragement from the sideline which made them realise that they are in a similar situation & need to take their own advice! I would imagine there will be some other Friends & Family on soon so why not stick around the forum & see if it helps you feel a little less alone? If nothing else, it's a place to come to let your frustrations out if you really have no-one you can turn to '@ home'.

Time to put you first - ODAAT

I've never been in your situation as it is my son who is the CG in my life. I do know however that as ODAAT says living with a compulsive gambler can do you in:( My son had a year of sobriety soon after he realized he had a problem. Looking back I realize his sobriety was abstinence and not recovery. When he started again everything about his gambling was much more aggressive... if that makes sense? The lies and manipulation were constant, his attempts to get money were bordering on criminal and when he was in the gambling fog he was a vile, unrecognizable person. It is such a progressive addiction and I have to say it scared the **** out of me.

I don't say this to sound doom and gloom as this is only my experience but I think it is probably more the norm than not. It's not a quick fix and smooth sailing... it is a lot of work for both the CG and family. There is definitely hope as evidenced by a lot of the recovery diaries on this forum but that is all up to your boyfriend.

I know the lies etc hurt so much but please try not to take it personally ... its the addict talking.

Take some time to think about what you want as you are never going to "fix" him.

ODAAT I hope you know I mean know offense by my "generalized" CG comments:)... again just my experience.

Cathy

Leaving him could either be the wake up call he needs, or it could send him further into despair. Question is, is that your problem?

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Hi, FL,

My story is nearly twenty years married and four well grown babies before my husband's gambling was finally exposed. As far as I know he has stopped, the barriers are high and permanent, he attends GA but a adult lifetime of the addict behaviour is hard to unlearn. I think he started after we were married but if I had had the slightest clue twenty years ago, I would have fled! I don't regret the children, despite it all, they're great, but I have missed out on an equal partnership with a loving husband and the older ones have grown up with his addict behaviour (moody, remote, self isolating) as the example. And now the children's reactions, present and future, are a source of huge concern to me. My youngest said she's not going to get married because I did and I was lied to for all those years.

I second ODAAT's advice to put your own best interests first. The harsh reality is that you simply can't rely on him. Don't believe what he tells you, only believe what you see in bank statements and financial documents. Protect yourself financially as far as you can, block his access to your accounts, keep your own cards and valuables secure, (having read horror stories about CGs demanding cards, I asked a neighbour to look after them), also I definitely recommend you to get legal advice asap. Get credit reports from all three agencies in your name and his so that you know the true state of the debt.

And sorry to be brutal, but recognise the difference between wanting a baby and wanting a baby with him. Never think that a baby would would change an addict in denial.

It is sad, the fact of the addiction is sad but he has to choose between gambling and recovery and you can't choose for him and you can't choose the timing. You can't save him from himself and I wouldn't waste your dreams by trying. The hard question for you is what to put up with and for how long. Get all help you can, from GamCare, from GamAnon, from friends and family, perhaps via your GP.

Take care,

CW

Morning - I can understand your head/heart being in bits, it takes over your every thought at the beginning, I felt like I was going crazy at first, all I wanted to do was 'fix' the situation, I was mad at him then I felt sorry for him, it's a roller coaster of emotions. If he says he has booked a weekend away he will have some kind of proof, it would be easy to believe him but because you have been in this position before you know you can't believe everything he says. Maybe you have been trusting a little too soon, I can understand that as I also wonder how long I will have to look after my sons finances. I know I am not trusting of what he says he will have to earn that trust back. it will be a long time before I will want to give him control of his finances back. I don't like having to do this but it is a necessity. You take care - wcid

thanks for all your responses... another long lonely day!

i haave spokeen to my partner via text today and he is adament hes paid for a weekend away. He assures me he will give me proof of this tomorrow. I dont believe that at all nor do i expect to see anything tomorrow but one thing is for sure and that is I am feeling so much stronger today. I am absolutely certain that i will not let my future be like this in any way because this way of life is so unhappy.

I have told him tomorrow is the last opportunity to show me if this actually exists.. it doesnt take away the lies and stealing but at least it does mean that money wasnt spent on gambling alone.... if he doesnt show it (which i dont expect to see) then i will be walking away from this relationship and will never look back.

if it does transpire that it is the truth... then i need to next think about the biggest decision which is to give him a chance and restrict all access to money and accounts or move on...

i am absolutely dreading tomorrow as i know i will be disapointed but i must try and relax tonight as im making myself ill due to the stress and worry. x

Hi, all you can do is wait until tomorrow to see what proof he has for you. I'm pleased you are feeling stronger. Your future is in your hands. Good luck for tomorrow x wcid