Hi everyone, I am a 24 year old woman. If you don't want to read all this the last big paragraph is the most important part of my question.
I'm in a relativly new relationship of not even 4 months, but it feels like a lifetime. I'm in love with this man (who's 28) and we get a long effortlessly when chatting, which is what made me fall so quick, he also makes me laugh.
We had lots of ups and downs, when I first met him he told me 'I am a proffesional gambler' alarms started buzzing in my head and I told him about my concerns of which he said something a long the lines of 'I can't believe you're even doubting me, I am offended'. He said he had his money well under control and had seperate accounts for gambling and for his normal expenses. He said he'd been at a low point before and had his ex in tears because he'd spent the rent money on gambling, but that he was past that and knew what he was doing, he'd been there and never wanted to be at that point again. His honesty made what he was saying seem real because surely an addict wouldn't be so open? I feel so stupid writing this now. Anyway, so I trusted what he was saying and moved on. He told me that he had won £100k in the past 6 months through his gambling, and was 'lucky' because it meant he had a house deposit ready etc. Minus the time he spent glued to the online websites when I was with him, I heard nothing more of it until 2 months later, he asked me if he could use my details, my name, address, everything to open an account because he'd been banned for 'winning too much' he made this request out to be no big deal but it ws fraud and I said apsolutley not, my credit rating is high and I'm keeping it that way. A few weeks later he called and said he'd gambled everything away. Every penny he had, not just his gambling money, but everything. He told me he put 50k on ONE bet, which to me is just rediculous. I told him he had an addiction, which he strongly denied, until I got him to see that he was in fact completely addicted and it seemed a new world opened up for him and he started researching into it. I told him he needed to sort it out, that I was sorry but I could no longer continue the relationship until it was sorted. He said he was going to go to councelling and GA meetings and that he'd not had a bet since a specific date and he still says he hasn't since that date. He went to his first GA meeting, at the time we were just friends because I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, he said the GA meeting was amazing and inspiring and the best thing ever and he couldn't wait to go back...the next few meetings were around christmas so they weren't on. He then refused to go back...he said he was 'doing fine on his own' and they were 'stupid' and didn't need it, that he didn't want to sit and have to listen to everyone else's problems :/. I said if you dont go there will be no us, it had only been 4 weeks since he had his last bet, but he reckoned he'd sorted his life out enough alone, even after years of gambling. After an arguement he agreed to go because he didn't want to lose me. GA meetings are on fridays and it became difficult getting him there, he loves football, we are also in a long distance relationship and he used to come through on a weekend to me as I worked saturdays, I told him there was a meeting where I lived but he didn't want to go. Finally I settled for him going to see his councillor, but he only see's him every few months. But it's better than nothing. He told me all his debts (credit cards, payday loans) were paid off and his gambling had stopped completely and he would never go back. He let me self exlude him from all the websites he used, I also changed his passwords to random stuff so he couldn't get on even if he was excluded. I felt after that we had made progress and we decided to stop arguing all the time about the gambling and move on and just be a normal couple. He had £-400 to his name with £100 left in his overdraft and was asking to borrow from his parents. I'm not after a man for his wealth, I can look after myself, but I would like financial stabilty. I am training as a nurse and I will be fine alone, as I am now, but I would like a trustworthy partner to help support our future family, thinking long term. I am really concerned about my future with this man, which makes me so sad, because we just 'click' which I haven't experienced very often before. 🙁
Having decided to move on and be a 'normal' couple we don't really talk about the gambling and it is assumed he is still not gambling. He checked his credit score and it was truly horrific, how he managed to get a phone contract I will never know. His credit score worries me because he didn't seem overly bothered to change it and said 'In 2019 it will get cleared' Um, I'm sorry I'm wanting to buy a house before then, and he seemed okay with me buying the house alone and him 'giving me money' even though I told him there is nothing legally binding there for him. It would be my house. The reason I am saying that is because he seems really blase about money and debt and not responsible at all, even after all he's been through financially. It makes me really uncomfortable and I don't trust him at all with money. Even though he told me all his debts were cleared it came out that he'd been getting letters from a debt collectors for a while and when questioned why he told me all his debts were cleared when they were he said 'I didn't know about this one' which has sparked me to right this post on here, because I am losing my teather... HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT YOUR DEBTS??? & if he genuinly didn't know then that just shows how much I can't trust him. Me questioing his new found debt (why did he lie, why doens't he call them now and pay it off because he has the money etc) started a huge fight. He was very defensive and he was snappy and said some very nasty things. He said that they have offered him a £1 a day payment plan until it's paid off which apparently he's going to do, which I think is stupid and he should just pay it off but he won't listen.
If you've got this far you are an angel and I'm really thankful to you, I just don't know what to do, I am in love with him. If he didn't have all this going on he'd be a great partner. But he does and I don't know what to do...I've only known him 4 months but we've been through all this? I know it's not normal. My main question is will this man ever change? I don't think I can go through life not trustig my partner financially, wth a risk of him getting back into gambling..ugh, help me 🙁
Edit: I thought I would add that he has worked dead end bar jobs/warehouse work up until becoming a student last year, he's studying sports journalism.
Thanks very much xxx
Think carefully about whther you want the emotional hard work of a CG partner, he will get you completely tied into the realtionship as fast as possible, so that you think you cant get out.
I'm one of the few who has got it working at the moment, but it is not a life i would have chosen for myself. Financially there is no trust and we had to go through some awful betrayals before i could be at the point where i would never back down on a financial argument again. Emotionally it is like living with someone who cheats, you can never relax. We just had a lovely weekend away, but I had spotted the local bookies and a tenpin bowling place which i knew would have fruit machines before he had. He left the room for ten minutes to collect roses he had had delivered, i was a nervous wreck when he got back. You'll can find my post from before i left, with my worries about making sure everything was paid for and that he hadnt accessed any of that money.
Anyway its not a nice life and it wont be what your parents and friends wanted to see you choose and so on, expect some 'differences of opinion' about being with a CG.
If he doesnt want to change, and to be honest it sounds like he's still spinning the lies so he can keep gambling while trying to make it look like he might give up, if he doesnt want to change this is a hard lonely life.
From what I have seen, CGs tend to be exceptionally funny, charming people who normally have a lot going for them and often are very skilled at something, be it a sport that is great socially or a craft that pays well and gives them an extra status boost. They are attractive people, so I know why we fall for them. They are lovely except that they are programmed to self destruct and they will take everyone close to them down with them if their illness is not kept in remission.
Really think about whether this is what you want and if it is, then you best start building yourself a network of people that understand and can help you build the necessay emotional armour and share with you the tactics for staying safe. You've come to the right place here. Id also recommend getting yourself to a gam anon meeting and getting to know some people and life stories first hand.
You dont have to leave him today, you dont have to decide the rest of your life today either way, but do start collecting as much information as you can, be thinking with your own mind and seeing with your own eyes, both of which he will try to talk you out of, so be strong and be realistic about what life will be like. If he doesnt want recovery, you will, 100%, get hurt.
Kizzle your young and your life should still be carefree and fun. If I was you and had the choice I would run for the hills!. CG comes hand in hand with compulsive lying and it's just awful. I am coming to the end of a 6 year relasionship and the debt and lies have finally finished me off. For your own happiness I advice you move on and in time you will find someone who will put you first and not themselves and their addiction. Sorry if this is negative. Good luck whatever you choose to do. There are some really lovely people on this site who offer great advice so you've come to the right place for support.
As a former gambler I'd say leave while the relationship is still in it's early stages. If you can't trust him and if you're always having to 2nd guess what he's doing it's going to drive you mad and you shouldn't have to be going through that.
During the worst of my own gambling I used to tell people I was a professional gambler too however I never got above gambling £70 a week on fruit machines. £50k on one bet is a whole other world.
It's not wise to assume he isn't gambling either, gambling has a very strong pull and can be anything to the gambler from a treat to something to block out all emotions. If he isn't getting treatment and you have no access to his finances then anything could be going on.
The tempation is everywhere for a gambler, with a betting shop on every corner.
Also to me there is something fishy about a "£1 a day" payment plan, in my own experiences of paying off debts it's always been weekly or monthly. I know it's splitting hairs but still...
You cannot tame a gambler, they can only tame themselves.
Best of luck.
I really would advise you to walk away for your own sake and for a
chance at a good life. You can read back on my old posts. I took the chance and got married had a baby ended up alone. My ex now has a new girlfriend and I'm minding our child alone . Confidence is sucked out of me, have been single over 3 years and ill probably stay that way. He will turn on you
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Hi Kizzle
I'm a CG in recovery. All CG's whilst gambling lie, many cheat, quite a few steal. Be vary wary.
Aside from the above, when in recovery 99% of ex CG's are lovely "normal" people.
Unless he wants to stop gambling he won't. He is still gambling, lying, and being very defensive.
As for GA meetings not opening around Christmas. ??? I live in Brisbane, Australia. My meeting is on every sunday, irregardless if it is Christmas day, the meeting is still on! It may be different in the UK, but I doubt it.
If you choose to fight for the relationship, be prepared to lay firm ground rules. He must be open and honest with you. He must seek help re his addiction. Do not allow him access to any of your accounts. Do not lend him money.
As stated in previous posts, CG's are hard work. Do you really want to put yourself through this? Is He Mr Right, or is he just a blip on the radar? At the moment there are a lot of negatives but not too many positives. Inform yourself of other partner's struggles with a CG. All the horror stories are true.
Best wishes
I found this thread really useful and i wanted to post regarding a small part of it from a compulsive gambler and debt ridden perspective....
For me Gambling led to payday loans which led to unsustainable debts which led to defaults. As things stand i won't also have a clean credit report till 2019 also. These companies will add on lots of charges, one of mine from wonga went from 1000 to 2400 on interest and charges alone and then these debt are sold on when they can't recover them to all manner of secondary debt collection firms. As soon as you are defaulted your credit report is screwed for 6 years, if you reach an agreement to pay with them it could be for much longer. It might not be a mature perspective but the anger i have for myself for gambling and getting myself into that problem in the first place combined with the anger at the exploitative payday loan lenders and these debt collection types just means your only way to fight back is to not repay anything. It doesn't improve your credit rating by repaying anyways so i can see the anger around that issue.
For me also i would offer to contribute to a house not in my name, mainly because i would trust in the relationship and not want to sully it with my financial history, it probably looks blase but for me it would come from a number of years banging your head against a brick wall.
I dunno, maybe this wasn't helpful... just wanted to write something for a different perspective on things that seemed very similar for me
Hi Kizzle
Thanks for sharing your story. You've certainly received a warm welcome here and I hope you come back. Just also wanted to make a point about dealing with debt. As heropanda says, the views expressed about dealing with debt are heropanda's own. It's always best for your partner to get advice from a debt advice agency such as Debtline or Stepchange as they will be able to advise about the implications of each option on his credit rating. In the meantime, keep your finances as separate as you can. It might also be wise to get advice from Shelter or Citizens Advice about the implications of your partner paying you rent or paying towards your mortgage.
Hope you can come to a decision that brings you peace.
Warm wishes
Deirdre
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