I’m sure I’m going to be a bit of a clichГ© on here: another wife completely baffled by her husband’s relationship with the game of poker and how quite a sane, normal man can seemingly become so deluded and superstitious.
I really need help working out whether I am going crazy and not being fair on him, or not. Because I have moments when I doubt myself – when he presents the world of poker according to how he sees it and will not hear any challenges to it.
He plays poker in a casino, every day except Sunday from 4.30pm to between 2am and 5am in the morning. He is self-employed, so doesn’t have a boss who is going to be angry if he sleeps in and doesn’t make it into work. The “self-employed” part of his work has pretty much diminished since he started playing poker (in 2011.) He owns various properties which he rents out and the rental yield is his main income, topped up by poker.
He appears to always be at break even. One week he’ll be up £10K, the next week down £10K. He doesn’t seem to recognize this pattern. He experiences a real high when he wins and seems to forget that he lost the same amount the week before. When he loses he self-destructs and becomes impossible to live with.
The worst thing that he does – the thing that really affects me – is that he finds a way to blame me for every loss and he will not rest until I “atone” for what I did. That could be looking at him the wrong way before he left for poker and therefore putting him on tilt. Or asking him to pick the kids up from school while he is supposed to be getting into the right mindset (therefore interrupting his preparations and putting him on tilt. )
Our daily life goes on. I look after the kids, give them three meals a day (none of them with him, as he is always out.) And he comes back at 2,3, 5am, wakes us all up, either on a high or a low. And no –one is allowed to sleep until he’s got it all out of his system.
I’m exhausted and hurt. And when it all blows over after a few days (when he wins and starts the cycle again) I have a nagging feeling that I just cannot trust him. That his behavior is always unpredictable.
He says what I don’t understand is that a poker player needs to be in the right mindset to win and that means I have to monitor very carefully what I say to him and how I behave towards him to prevent him from being emotional before he goes and when he is at the casino. He says that he would have never lost if I had been careful of this in the first place.
I understand this - to a point. Any professional athlete needs some degree of balance before a game and other poker players have also told me this is essential, but he retrospectively accuses me of things which were either a non-issue at the time, didn’t actually happen, or were completely unpreventable – “the way you looked at me before I went.” “When you made that noise in the bathroom you woke me up and I didn’t get enough sleep.” “Because you ate lunch with the kids at 1pm while I was asleep and I was forced to eat alone at 3pm”
Of course, if he was only ever like this I would not even be in this marriage. But amongst the losses where I am getting blamed, he can be delightful.
Another thing is that I know his primary motivation is to make money because he puts himself under a lot of pressure to be a provider for his family. Underneath all the bluster and the blame and the anger and restlessness, is an inner drive to “be a good provider.” It is something hammered into him by his mother and which he has taken seriously to heart.
Yesterday he lost again, and amongst all the rage and anger and blame he started crying. He said “you don’t love me.” I said “of course I love you. Why do you think I don’t?” And he said “because you are not trying to comfort me.” I said “I am not comforting you because you are blaming me. But if you are genuinely upset of course I will comfort you because I love you.” We held each other for a bit, he stopped crying, and then he started to blame me again.
He says sentences like:
“you don’t understand how poker works.”
“ all you need to do is not put me on tilt and I will win every time.”
“that loss was unnecessary, and you know it.”
I have tried to use the “reasoning” route. Trying to dissect what he is saying and how he is thinking to make him realize that it doesn’t make sense. We have talked about different approaches to poker. Playing one night on, one night off. But he cannot keep to any schedule or any structure that we set. Within hours it’s all in the air due to “unforeseen circumstances.”
Please help me with what other routes I might take? And please reassure me that I am not going mad?
Is it worth completely sterilizing any contact I have with him before and during him playing poker to PROVE to him that it’s not me? I keep fantasizing that maybe then his argument will be defunct and he will be forced to take responsibility for what is happening.
Hi Insomnia7, you are not going mad but you are living in the shadow of a compulsive gambler & unfortunately for you, there ain't nothing you can do about it but protect yourself! I know nothing about Poker, I preferred to throw my money away on a random spin of the wheels but I do know gambling & unless he wakes up & realises he has a problem he's not going to stop 🙁 Tough love may well be an option because what life is this but beware of idle threats! I guess Poker is a little different & he may well need his wits about him but no-one holds a gun to his head & makes him play when you looked @ him the wrong way! Whilst in the midst of gambling, it was never my fault...My OH didn't text me, he did text me, he didn't text me fast enough, he didn't text the right thing, the list goes on but you know all this! Compulsive gamblers are manipulative & selfish & sadly nothing matters more that the next bet!
Phone Gamcare, get some help & most importantly protect yourself & the kids!
Hopefully one of the other friends/family stalwarts will be along shortly to reassure you! This is his fault purely & simply, you are the innocent party! Look after you - ODAAT
Hi Insomnia
Are you sure he is down one week and up the next? My guess would be that he is most likely down, and he is chasing losses. Do you have full access to his financial statements? This would be a way to check whether he is losing most of the time. Most gamblers do lose, otherwise the casinos etc. would go bust.
As ODAAT has said, we gamblers tend to blame anything, anyone when we lose. We rarely mention the amounts lost, but are very happy to talk about any winnings, as rare as they were.
Ring Gamcare and get some advice. inform yourself about the addiction. Most importantly, put measures in place to protect yourslef financially from whatever may come if he continues gambling.
Take care
Hi Insomnia7, I was terrified when I read your post but in the same time it helped me a lot, as I am in the same situation as you are, just that my girl is just 2 years old. There is no way in this world, that you can help him, you dont have any magic, any power. And everything is his folt. And what worst he has the face to blame you. I think you are one of thouse great woman that does anything for his children and husbent, but you shouldn`t help him to be quite to play, but you should put him in some limits. Be strong! Put your self together and go away and love your self and your children, more than him. I am another woman who past this, but I will not go far. I am about to divorce. I will cry and suffer one year or 2, but I am sure after that me and my girl will be quite and me happy I took the decision, while he will go on playing with his life. Your husbent too, has the right to play with his life, but not yours, not his children life. Be strong and dont try what`s impossible.
Hi Insomnia7
Reading your post made me feel very sad. You are questioning your sanity and yet you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are not to blame for your husband losing at poker.
You say that he can be delightful, but from your post it sounds as though you have to suffer his moods and outbursts more often than you get to see the nice side of him. How much time is he spending with you and your children if he is playing poker 6 days a week for 10 or 11 hours a day? Coming home and waking you and the children up at 3 or 4am is really not acceptable. You must all be exhausted.
I understand that he wants to provide for his family, but his time and love are much more important to you than him putting money on the table.
I hope you can talk to him and make him see that life is becoming unbearable for you, maybe then he will seek the help that he needs to stop gambling.
Good luck x
theres only one sane person on your relationship and its you. Trust your judgement.
How are you getting on now?
Hi Insomnia7,
What you're going through sounds nightmarish. As others have rightly said, it's just not acceptable of your husband to take his mood swings out on you and the children. Your and their safety is paramount here. I hope it was some comfort to you to read the support here from those telling you that you are not going mad, you are the sane one and his behaviour is the problem.
Yes you'd love him to change to become the 'delightful' person you know he can be, but no one can do that for him - he has to decide for himself that he wants to change. Which leaves you with the decision of how you choose to react to his unnacceptable behaviour. Where do you draw the line and what are you going to do if and when he crosses it?
It really sounds like emotional support and perspective from others who have been through what you're going through could help you a lot. You'll get that here on the forum, but for face-to-face support have you considered going to a GamAnon meeting? It's a fellowship of those who are or have been affected by someone else's gambling. Here's their websites:
England/Wales/NI/Ireland: http://gamanon.org.uk/
Scotland: http://www.gamanonscotland.org/
Maybe some one to one counselling may help you too. We offer free counselling which you are welcome to attend whether your partner does or not.
Would be good to hear how you are now. You are very welcome to phone our Helpline on 0808 8020 133. It's completely free, even from most mobiles, and we're here from 8am to midnight so you can phone after your partner has gone out and the kids are in bed. We're also available by webchat if you prefer that.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin.
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