Please help my partner is gambler

Hi Dzovita,

Welcome to the Forum,

It does sound like your partner has developed a gambling addiction and perhaps he has been keeping it a secret because he feels embarrassed. Even though self-exclusion is a positive step it would not be enough for him to overcome this problem and he would need support. You can encourage him to get in touch with us either by calling the Helpline or using the Netline.

It is important to accept that you cannot solve this as it is not you who has the addiction. You may need support in dealing with your partner’s behaviour and learn to protect yourself financially but also emotionally, especially if he has mood swings. There are group meetings from gamblers (www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk) and for family and friends (www.gamanon.org.uk). You may also want to see a counsellor yourself and talk about this. We provide free counselling sessions and this could even be online if you have a baby and you can’t leave the house.

I would like to encourage you to get in touch with us for further support.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin

Thank you for all information and advice. At the moment i am trying to stay strong but same time i feel a bit lost as i am trying to contact every single website admins related to anonymous gamblers (even abroad) but i know that i need to find one place where i can speak with someone. I will contact you for further information as i really need a help.
Thank you

Hi Dzovita. You are not alone. There is lots of help both for gamblers and families if you are willing to reach out for it. It is good that your partner has self-excluded but you need to be aware that this addiction can threaten to upturn your lives.

You must be strong and put measures in place to safeguard your finance and security. If your partner is serious in giving up gambling he should work with you all the way.

Hi, changemylife, thank you for your reply it means a lot to me right now. I blocked his access to my account so my money is safe and trying to get his trust by talking to my partner about gambling and his feelings. Today he is going to tell his friends about his problem. I am very happy of what he is doing so far to stop gambling but same time i am scared that he can give up on trying and these thoughts is killing me. I dont know the best way to talk to my partner...i dont want to make him think that all is fine and we can live as we did before and same time i dont want to tell him just a negative things. I told my partner that i will support what is he doing to stop gambling but he have to take responsibility for what he done. Today i told him that i am scared that he will start gambling online and that made him upset and angry. Now he thinks that i am not giving any hope and i dont believe that he is really want to change his life.

Hi Dzovita

Sorry both you and your partner find yourself in the world of addictive gambling. It sucks... for everyone including your partner. You are doing well to block his access to your accounts and trying to keep your money safe.

I'm afraid you may get a little frustrated getting your partner to let you into the world of his addiction. It just doesn't seem that easy for a CG to even realize themselves what is going on and what has led them to being an addict. I understand your fears but the best you can do if lock down the finances the best you can and leave him to deal with the rest. Worrying about when/if he will gamble again will slowly drive you insane.

I think it's great that you want to go to a Gam Anon meeting. Just google Gam Anon meetings for your area and a list should come up. My son is the gambler in my life and I have been going to Gam Anon for 3 years. It's been incredibly helpful and supportive .

Deep breaths Dzovita... none of this is easy but with help and support you can get through it:)

Cathyx

Hi Dzovita

Standard advice is to do as you have done and protect your finances. It would be a good idea to find out if he's taken out loans behind your back and you can do this by checking his credit reports (all three agencies). Noddle and Clearscore are free and Experian offer a 30 day free trial. Just make sure you cancel before then or you will be stung with a £15 a month charge. You can also order a statutory credit report from any of the agencies for £2 although access isn't instant.

Try not to worry about whether he will gamble again. You can only control what you do. He is reponsible for the choices he makes and you can't influence that so worrying about it is counterproductive.

Take care

Thank you both Amom and Lethe. I have a online meeting with gamanon tonight and i am really excited about it as i had an argument with my dad today. He and his mrs keep messaging me saying that my situation is hopeless and that the only one way for my partner to get out of gambling is to speak with anonymous gamblers and go to they meetings. The most annoying about it is that i told them that my partner is gambler and he is speaking with anonymous, my partners gp helping to get professional help for my partner and he is going to his first meeting on wed. And after couple days my dad and his wife send me a message saying that they contacted psychologist which told them that my partner and me need to go to all meetings and ect... that just wined me up cause looks like whatever i say they just ignoring me and telling me the same information i already told them...
Today i thought about leaving my partner but that isn't what i want...i want my partner/my baby's father back and i wanna fight with him for life with no gambling... i dont want to believe that there is no hope.

Hi,

Sorry to hear how hard it all is but apart from the sympathy, you may not like what follows...

You didn't Cause his gambling, you can't Control his gambling and you can't Cure his gambling. The reality is that you control what you do and your partner controls what he does. As such, you simply can't fix your partner. It isn't possible. If all he needs is the love of a good woman or someone like you to save him from himself, then you wouldn't need this forum and he would be fixed by now.

There is one person who can overcome your partner's gambling addiction and that is him and him alone. If he chooses to do it, a read of the forum will show you that actions speak louder than words.

Move the focus over to you and keep it there. Your problem isn't that you have to stop him from gambling. Your problem is the effect that his actions have on you. You're doing the right things by getting help and support to cope with your situation otherwise it would be impossible.

There's a lot that your partner could do to limit his access to gambling and to get the help that he needs via counselling and GA. But at the end of the day, if he's blaming you for making him feel bad whilst declining to attend GA meetings and refusing to break the time money location triangle, nothing will change. And you can't change him, you can only change you.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi again

A CG can live an entirely normal life but the choice to do that lies entirely in their own hands. If he's 100% committed to stopping there are things he can do to eliminate his access to gambling virtually immediately. If he can't or won't do whatever it takes be wary. They are very, very good at telling us what we want to hear but all that really counts is action.

I do understand that i cannot make him to do things and main thing to recover is his attitude to change the way he lived. Whatever he is doing to stop gambling is his own choise. I know that it wont be easy and he could be lying to me. The only one thing i want to know is it possible that he would stop gambling and that we could be a family again..

Who can possibly say, apart from him? And maybe not even him. There are examples of people long term clean and sober but others who can't or won't stop, even in old age. Addiction can be arrested but never cured, the compulsion remains. Long term recovery requires a commitment to long term maintenance.

It's not about him, it's about you and the choices that you make for you, it's about how you want to live your life and if there are young children, then they have to live with the decisions that you make. It's not wise for your life choices to depend on whether someone over whom you have no control overcomes their addiction.

CW