Reaching out

Hello Worried family

I am sorry to hear that you are devastated by your son's problem gambling, I can imagine how difficult it must be for you at this time. If you would like some group support for familes of problem gamblers you could try contacting the organisation Gam Anon http://www.gamanon.org.uk/

You mentioned that your son has put his finances into his partners account which is a good start. He has been open and honest with you about his struggle with his gambling and has said he now needs help. This would be a good time for you to ask him if would like to contact Gamcare himself and Speak to an adviser on freephone 0808 8020 133 FREE, 8am to midnight, 7 days a week. Try to gently encourage him if he needs some encouragment to make the call, but avoid any ultimatums.

Gamcare also offers a free face to face confidential counselling service for both you and your son if you feel speaking to someone will help, details can be found on http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/face-face-counselling .

Take care

Cade

Hi worried, I'm new to this found out my husband blew every penny we had (£600) in the bookies on saturday. We have been married just under a year, have a four year old son and a baby on the way, I just wanted too add that over the past couple of days I have found the support from my parents and my mother in law absoloutly invaluable.

Take care x

Hi worried. I am the mom of a compulsive gambler. I understand your devastation over this. As you have probably surmised already there is not a lot we can do. Over the 8 years we have been dealing with this we have talked, cried, yelled, kicked out let back in and blah,blah, blah! It is a good sign that he realizes the gambling has become a problem for him but that is just the start. Recovery takes time... a lot of 1 step forward 2 steps back. I know how incredibly frustrated and sad you must feel but this is his journey. You have your own journey and that is to start making your life better... hard but much needed!

The one thing I would do is make sure his wife to be is aware of the gambling.

Take Care

Our gamanon meeting is mostly parents at the moment, you'd be very welcome and find some very understanding people there. If you can't get to one, keep talking here, a problem shared is a problem halved. We can't stop him gambling, nor can you, but we can help you feel better and help you be confident that you're handling things in the most constructive way.

Thanks for your replies good people. Myself and his OH tried to have a chat yesterday with him. He has been to G A previously but says it's the same old every week and it doesn't make a difference! We have said that if he takes himself out of certain environments it will help.i know he wants to beat this but dosnt appear to try advice offered and gets very defensive. Onwards and upwards until the next time

Letting go of controlling everything seems to be very hard, letting anyone help even harder, but it's a step they have to take and only they can take it. I have heard so so often gamblers saying the GA isn't for them, the people there are not like them, it's all religious jumbo jumbo or it doesn't make sense and won't wrk for them. Until they're ready to admit they are that sort of person and they need that sort of help, they are in denial about the extent of their problem, protect yourself financially and emotionally while they are at that point, it's is anguish for them and they will make it anguish for everyone around them too given half a chance. Keep talking

Hi Worried

I am a recovering CG.

Attending GA is one thing, working the programme is another thing entirely. If your son is just 'turning up' at GA and expecting to be fixed, nothing will change. Change occurs by working the programme. In this regard it is very much a self-help programme. The members of the fellowship can provide guidance, or he may choose to have a sponsor, but either way, he has to do the work to gain the benefit.

Everybody is different and sometimes GA doesn't suit some people, so can I suggest that he tries some counselling. If he finds somebody that he feels comfortable with, and feels as though he can 'open up', it would be very beneficial for him.

Don't give up heart. He has at least admitted that he has a problem, and has handed over his finances, so a good start on his behalf. If he just leaves it at that however, and thinks that the problem will disappear, he is sadly mistaken. This addiction, like all addictions is hard to arrest. He will need all the help he can muster.

Take heed of the wise words from both Pangolin and Amom, look after yourself. Gamanon offers a fantastic level of support and guidance to the friends and family members of the recovering gambler. Use it!

Take Care

My son is 26 and has been a compulsive gambler for 8 years. I think it becomes so difficult as they keep getting themselves into messes and we as parents keep trying to help sort things out for them... its in our nature. We have had a long struggle being every type of parent possible trying to find the key to fix this. Sadly it does not exist. The sooner you as parents can step back and put the ball in his court and not bail out or enable the sooner they will get to a point where their life has become unmanageable. This is very very hard to do and you don't get there overnight but you will eventually get to where you need to be. Keep writing on here and see if you can find a Gam Anon meeting. Both give you some much needed perspective, some new ideas for dealing with your son and most importantly support... you realize you are not alone in this ****.

As I have said we have been dealing with this for 8 years. Life for all of us got better when we all started looking after ourselves and left him to find his way. When he no longer had anywhere to turn he started his reovery ( about 1 1/2 years ago). It has not been smooth sailing all the way but ironically the new young man that is emerging from the gambling fog is a much better version!!

Hi Worried family

I am a mum to son who is a compulsive gambler and I echo every word of what Amom has said, her story is almost word for the same as mine.

Like she says as parents all we want to do is help them but it just cant be done, and its truelly awful when you realise you cant help them. Lettting them get on with things for themselves goes against what we feel as Mum's but thats what they need and what we need too.

We have tried tough love before and it worked for a while and are about to try even tougher love but we know we have to step back and let our son work this out for himself. It only stopped working when we didnt hold our nerve so to speak.

We love our son and he has our moral support but to really help he has to work this out for himself and so does every other gambler no matter who they are.

It sounds like your son is making some positive steps and while he does get some support for yourself and keep coming to this forum.

Well another week another problem. Should be looking forward to his wedding next year but hey ho in the pub pawning laptop and another argument. Future dil heartbroken grandson crying and me at wits end. Unfortunately doesn't appear to want to change... who knows what the next step is ... totally at a loss

He doesn't want to change as he has not hit his bottom... this life still works for him. As someone on the outside looking in you are thinking how can he keep living like this and hurting those he loves? Its because he is an addict and feeding that is his number one priority. Right now his gf, child, and parents come a distant second. It's not personal... he doesn't go out of his way to hurt you... he is an addict.

The only way he is going to hit bottom is if between you all you can take away all financial and emotional support. By emotional support I mean that when they bottom out after losing everything we tend to swoop in and tell them it will be all right and that we will help them thru this. The only person that can help them thru this is them.

Your next step is to put your own lives back in order. Take the spotlight off of him... leave him to his chaos filled world until he has had enough!

Take care of yourself!

This is my first time ever posting on this forum. I have read for a few months but not had the strength to post. I am the mother of a 22 year old addict and I am distraught. Really thought we had turned a corner but yet again he has let himself (and us down). My son started gambling 3 years ago and only when we got to find out he was deeply in debt 2 years ago has the awful reality emerged. He has a £3000 overdraft, owes us £5000 from when we have paid off pay day loans and parking tickets (I know this was madness but we thought we were helping). Now has a debt management programme but has just lost his job. Got a small pay yesterday of £550 owed to him and has spent £350 of it in 24 hours! He asked for help a few months ago and I have full access to his bank account so he knows I can check up on his spending. At my wits end! He is still lying to us saying he loaned the money to a friend. He is from a stable home complete with supportive professional parents, loving sister and brother and 2 family dogs. I cannot believe this is happening to us and wonder where we have gone wrong but most of all how can we help him? Keeping this a secret from family and friends as so ashamed.

You haven't gone wrong... it's an addiction and it takes hold of people. A more socially acceptable addiction is alcohol and there are many many functioning addicts... but there is limited stigma attached as everyone likes a drink but not everyone likes a gamble. The best thing you can do is put more barriers in place. Take control of his money and make him get rid of his cards. Get him to self exclude from all online accounts. I would get him to tell more people as it creates another barrier. A form can also be filled in each shop to self exclude from them. Get your son to go to GA meetings and get him to do to the doctor as well. It's a long journey and it is normal to have relapses... although it's not good... it does happen frequently. Best of luck!

Hi CW22

I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. Started when he was 18 and he is 26 now. It was not mad of you to pay off his debts as you say you were only trying to help. Unfortunately paying off their debts only gives them more money to gamble with. It's not a case of "lesson learned" it is so much deeper than that. It also stops him from feeling the natural consequences of his actions . I know this is so hard as a parent as we are used to "fixing" things for our children but in the case of a CG it just keeps preventing them from hitting the point where their life has become unmanageable.

I would really suggest you try and find a Gam Anon meeting to try and get some support for yourself. Firstly it is very comforting being amongst people that "get" what you are living with and secondly there is so much knowledge and ideas to help you deal with this.

Compulsive gambling does not discriminate at all. My family sounds identical to yours (except we only have 1 dog) and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my son is a gambling addict! You need to step back out of the crisis and drama that will be his life and get yourself healthy first. I know it's not what you want to hear but there is nothing you are going to do or say to make him stop... that is up to him.

Take Care