I don't know what to do. We were married in 2003 but I divorced him 2005 due to gambling and no real relationship. I left our martial home with our daughter and a lump sum to set up home. We remained close for sake of our daughter, in 2010 ended up back together then I asked him to move into my home. he sold the marital home (without any equity), we kept everything in my name and shared the bills. I only have a P/t wage, he on f/t good wage. After a while our relationship has lost closeness all together although we do get along. I started to get suspicious when we got a new roof I had to use my own savings 3k and he hasn't paid anything towards it, he also pleads hard up every month despite having plenty money left after bills.
One day it got the better of me and I know I shouldn't have but I looked at his bank statement....whoa did I get a shock! Hundreds gone to Skybet in smaller amounts. Imy heart was racing, which led me to look at more statements. Same each month!
I'm absolutely gutted. I want to run for the hills. I don't know how to approach this. How to I say I looked at his personal stuff? I feel guilty, but I know I'm scared to carry on as all my savings have gone, the house is going downhill but I'm now waiting for payday each month. Beforehand I was financially comfortable, my home was lovely and I had holidays etc.
I feel so stupid for falling in again and asking him to move in. He has no family near and nowhere to go.
Dear candycane isn't it strange how we are the ones who feel guilty and feel bad for going behind a cg's back! How many times do they lie and deceive us? From experience if you want to help him, you take control. He sees his money after bills as his to play with. You can tell him that you looked at his statements if you want to. did you make agreements before he moved in? If so stick to them. Or you can carry on keeping secrets which is what the cg does. In my circumstances I have to be in control. Any money my husband has he gambles. I have all money in my account, I pay everything, he just has cash to buy what he needs. I am not saying it's easy, he keeps going back when I take my eye off the ball and think he's stopped. Don't be afraid, you've done this before.
You shouldn't feel guilty at all, it's normal to have access to your partner's bank account in a relationship.
Hi
Sorry to see this.
First thing to say is it's much better that you know now so you can minimise any further damage he can do. Being found out isn't going to make him happy but tough. He's the one who's been sneaking around behind your back, lying and deceiving to fund his incomprehensible (to us) addiction. Personally I wouldn't mince my words. It's not our job and it's not in our interests to be too understanding. They can get the understanding they need from counselling and GA.Walking on eggshells first time round just got me more of the same so Mr L is now in no doubt about what I think of it all.
Decide what you want before you have the conversation. Be prepared for attempts to manipulate you into taking blame or doing things you're not comfortable with but stick to your lines in the sand. Don't be drawn into agreeing anything other than what you want. He lost the right to call the shots the instant he placed the first bet behind your back.
Hi Lethe. I'm sure that he will try to convince me that it isn't a problem. Then he will twist things and it will end up about me and how I do stuff etc etc.so I feel guilty and he kind of gets away with it.... Without me realising.
I feel like I want to take my life back because tbh I don't feel like I have one again. I felt this way the first time round, like I lost my identity and self-esteem​.
I don't know how to start the conversation though. I'm worried he will push for a lump sum to set himself up a home as I think he will blame me for giving up his home because I wanted him to. He has nowhere to go.
Dear candycane please get some professional/legal advice. Don't bail him out.
Hi again
There isn't going to be a good time to start the conversation but maybe a letter setting it all out could be a way forward? Echo the above re professional advice. See CAB as a first step. That costs nothing. Some solicitors also offer an hour or so's free advice which might be worth looking into.
Active CG's lose touch with reality. This is going to sound harsh but him potentially having nowhere to go brings him face to face with the consequences to his behaviour. It will be up to him to put a roof over his head and he can look for help from the council or charitable organisations. All the time we run round doing the worrying and clearing up the mess they will let us unless and until they are really ready to stop.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
