Shall I leave him or stay and give another chance?

Hi micromum it's so tough. It sounds like you've had enough but are now worrying and being persuaded by his begging you to stay. What do you want? If you stay together you need to take control. You need to have rules. He needs to go to GA, you can go to gamanon. Firstly call gamcare and get their advice. I would advise taking control of his money. The problem is you have asked him to go. If he stays that is a threat you haven't followed through. Don't be afraid to get support. Protect your money, don't pay his debt. You and your son come first. Good luck!

I did thought this through..what if i decide to let him stay...
But im not sure if ill be able to manage all of it...i feel drained and stressed myself to the point that this affects my relationship with my son....
I want to know if i let him go,will that harm him or will it let him to get stronger with time...

In the end only you can decide what you do. I would tell him how much anxiety you are feeling and how you feel you are ignoring your son at times because of it. He needs to see what his gambling is causing. Please ring Gamcare, they are wonderful and will chat with you. You say he has mood swings? it may well be the gambling causing them, or he may have mental health problems. He may not, but I would suggest telling him he needs to talk with a doctor. If he has mental health then it will not go away without help and will cloud his judgements. I am not saying being diagnosed will make him stop gambling and he needs to put in the effort to stop, though it may make things a little easier if he has an illness and gets help for it. Then again, I am only assuming, he may have no mental health at all.

I have only just found out I am Bipolar. 6 years ago I went downhill and changed from a bet on TV races to opening an online account and going silly. 18 months later I almost took my life. I was diagnosed with severe thought based OCD and depression. I also knew there was something different inside me, but I was stunned to get a OCD diagnosis. I stopped gambling for the next 3 and a half years. I never gave it a thought once, in fact, I hated it. Then in June this year my wife had a cardiac arrest. Thank god I was at home. I gave CPR till help arrived then they fought to save her. I sat in ICU wondering what would happen. The docs kept saying she may be brain damaged and she may even die. 6 days later the stress had built so much that I logged onto a bingo site and had fallen once again. My wife got better and has made a full recovery. Through all of this I have lied and hidden everything. I hoped it would all go away but it never does, it just gets worse. I hated doing it, I hated who I was, but I could not stop until being found out again.

5 weeks ago i was found out. For me that is the release from gambling, though for those around me that is the start of the horribleness again. I rang Gamcare the very next mourning. 24 hours later I was talking face to face with someone. Days later I was with a psychiatrist. They really are that good so please ring them and talk with them. I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar. That has blown my mind and I had no idea I had it or that I have had it most of my life. The more I learn about it the more I can finally see what is inside me. I now know that I can rid myself of gambling with medication and help. I gamble when I have a severe stressful situation in my life, it is a for of escapism from reality. It took my wife almost dying to take me to that place again after 3 and a half years. I can now look towards finding that trigger and learning how to cope with it. Of course, I will still say I am a gambling addict until the day that I die as that is what I am and always will be. I have no intention of ever doing it again but I need to remain an addict to stay strong and beat it (if you get what I mean there?) Since being diagnosed with depression 3 and a half years ago I have been taking ante depressants. Of course, they did not realise I was bipolar and the drugs have just made my condition worse. I am not saying your partner has mental health, nor to use it as an excuse for gambling if he has, it is just one route he should be checked for after you mentioning the mood swings.

My marriage may be over, I have no idea. I see that beautiful women who is also my best mate and I see the sadness and hurt inside her. I see her anxiety, and I wonder how can I do this to her or our wonderful son. I love her so much but I wonder if I should just walk and let her have a better life as she does everything for everyone and deserves to be happy.

Only you can decide the outcome of what you do. Do not be pressured either way. Do what you have too for you and your boy. Your partner needs tos top begging you to take him back. Tell him that actions speak louder than words. I do not have the answers, but maybe suggest that you tell him that when you see a change and an effort from him (GA meetings, doctors etc) you will consider talking about wether you have a future as a family.

But please, ring Gamcare.

Best of luck with everything

I would not trust what he says - he can say anything to try to keep the current situation, unless he changes his actions words mean nothing. Read about the cycle of abuse, same thing, honeymoon period and anger. If he truly loves his son he'll try to change, otherwise it's all just pretty words.

Even more - don't get distracted about how your actions impact on him, will your leaving help or hinder his recovery, this does not matter - you and son are priority at the moment, he is 5 years and completely reliant on you. Your husband is an adult and you are not responsible for him.

It sounds like you know what you need and want but his moodswings make you feel guilty about it. Again - there is nothing you can do about those. Give him tel no to Gamcare or tell him to google it. You are not responsible for him, his recovery or his actions.

Hi,

This isn’t about him, it’s about you. Your boundaries are yours, not his. Your problem is not that he’s gambling, you can’t change whether or not he gambles. Your problem is the effect that his gambling and associated behaviour is having on you and your son, (who is having a poor example set). And you absolutely can decide what you’re going to do about your life. Not alone, none of us can do it alone but the support is there from GamAnon and GamCare. In the absence of rescuers and white knights, the best way forward is to access all the help you need to make the best decisions for you.

The problem with shielding the gambler from emotional and financial consequences is that there are no consequences for him, therefore he can do what he likes. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Look after yourself.

CW

Cynical wife wrote:

The problem with shielding the gambler from emotional and financial consequences is that there are no consequences for him, therefore he can do what he likes. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

That really is brilliant advice.

I have Bipolar. I am coming to terms with it and will get the help I need to control it. I know it is part of my cause of gambling though I cannot use it as a full excuse. I have to be responsible for my own actions as well. I will never stop using forums such as this or seeking the help that I need. I have a long way to go and I have no idea if I will get there, I believe that I can, and I really do want to get there, but only time will tell. Looking at what you have caused to others and in finance is what makes you see the impact of what you do. The gambler has to face what they have done or they will never learn.

Hi guys...thank you ever so much for all the support. I have spoke with him and for the last 2 days i was trying to explain all my feelings and that he has to go. I have been calm and stoped shouting ...we talked and talked and he seemed to finally come to terms with it...litlle did i knew that next day he will be crying and crying and crying....i cant bare to see him in such a distress but i ust cant change my mind because for the firs time in mny many years i am strong enoughf to take control of my life. I did pomisse o him that i will stay supportive and that he wont miss out on his sons life, that my door will stay pen and we will see each other..i tried to talk about positive outcomes of his recovery, i know he c*t feel it atmo but i dont want him to et more depressed only to try and see where this recovery can lead him to...i wont lie, i was so close from just giving up and give him another chance but something in my head was telling me no!!!! u cant do this...hes a big boy and he will be just fine...

I’m am sorry for your pain , I to have been in a same situation, and I stayed with my now husband! It was real hard for me too and also wanted to leave many times but I stayed strong because I loved him ! Do you love your boyfriend.. ? That’s what you have to ask yourself! Also if your son may be affected then consider things carefully.! Some people can change and some may not , in my case my husband kept he’s promises and now I’m glad I stayed strong for him because I don’t know what life would be like without him ! My husband changed because he loved me ! And didn’t want to lose me . I’m not saying it’s an easy road to go down but it can be done ! Good luck

You need to be completely selfish and think about yourself and your son. Your husband is an adult and whether an addict or not he is responsible for his life, his choices and the consequences of these, not you. He will get depressed as he realizes the extent of the damage he caused but it's not your job to deal with it.

Do what you need to do. Of course, ask for advice, but make the decision that you want to make, and be happy.

What is your problem Nikki??

What experiences have you had ?

I am an angry ex partner of cg so my problem at the moment is anger probably..

In my experience people do not change easily even if they want to, and i believe it is impossible to change or support someone who does not see the problem or is in denial of how bad it is/ the extent of it. When people realise the extent of the damage they caused as a result of their addiction they will get depressed and this is quite natural i think. The denial is there for a reason and it is to shield from painful emotions. I dont think it is healthy to try and shield the gambler from the consequences of his gambling the same as it is for any other addict.

Sorry I do realise i come across quite angry. May stop posting for a while.

Nikki please stay posting. You have every right for having anger towards gambling. It certainly does me good to hear the sides of those who have to put up with the mess that we cause. This site is so good as it shares the views of all sides. We are all buddies on here, just trying to get through and understand things better,

Nobody will change if they do not accept they have a problem or see what they are causing to loved ones.