Hi - I have another question, this time about is it my responsibility to tell my soon to be ex husbands family just how bad his gambling habit was as they just seem to be in total denial and are feeding his addiction even more by signallng their approval to him that he is a good person and that it is me his ex wife who is the crazy bitter one! Im not trying to say I am the better/good person as I know im not, but as far as what contributed to a breakdown of marriage, the lies, deceit, distrust, "theft" of family funds, I am certan I am not to blame. They have even implied I am in some way unstable and a risk to my children! I have seen a councellor, just to help get my head straight after we broke up in Feb, but I feel very positive in some ways and feel sting for my kids that I have mad ethe right decision.
I just do not think they have a clue, or are in denial about what it is really like to have to live with a gambler -I did 6 years, 3 kids, full time job with a husband who i frequently lost to the dark world of gambling, meaning he was moody, vauge, verbally/emotionally abusive, sneaky, defensive and very critical of any flaws in my personaility, and at times physically abusive through totally over the top alcohol consumption. When he wasnt gambling he wanted to spend spend spend, so we had holidays, gifts, deisgner clothes etc etc.
I now find myself locked in a bitter dovorce battle with the sticking point being finances - and his family see nothing wrong in his claims to go for half of all MY savings and MY house (I had both of these way before we even met). He has convinced them (he is great at that) that he has been unfairly treated and I feel they are rallying the troops in support of him all ready to attack me and get what he thinks is rightfully his. They think I am unreasonable and bitter (their words) and that I should just let him move on with his life and I should too - how on earth do they think I can do that after all he has put me through over the years. I know for a fact without them taking his addiction seriously he will relapse (Im certain he already has becuase I see the signs myself and they have no clue what to look for, and have never even wanted to) and whilst I am still bitter enough not to care how any relapse will affect him personally, I care greatly how it will impact short/long term on my daughter whom he will still be seeing frequently. When he gambles, he drinks, he get aggitated, nasty, violent, abusive and thats with the kids as well as me.
Maybe I will just look even more bitter and twisted if I try and contact his family to put them in the real picture, maybe it will all backfire and give them even more amunition against me? I dont know what to do but I almost feel I need for smeone else to take off this burden from me, as despite divorcing him, I still carry a huge weight of his gambling, how it has impacted my life and that of my children. It has taken a heavy toll and he again has no consideration what so ever. He regularly attends GA and is very suppportive of the organsation and how it has helped him, but that is because it has helped HIM, he is not prepared to see how any of this has a lasting impact on me.
Just dont know what to do.......
Hi, again,
Bear in mind that what he and his family think of you does not label you...unless you let it. It’s just their opinion, it’s not any factual statement about who or what you you are. They’re entitled to their opinion but that’s all it is - their view, based on who they are (complete with their own problems, triggers and vulnerabilities).
What they think of you really doesn’t need to be any concern of yours. Meetings will, amongst other things, teach you how to detach and how to have faith in yourself, to know your own worth and to avoid feeling a need to explain yourself in the face of opposition. Friends don’t need explanations and enemies don’t believe them.
The other thing to remember is that it’s no good trying to have a rational conversation with addiction or denial. It doesn’t work because addiction and denial are irrational and illogical and they simply don’t hear or respond to rational logic. It turns into manipulation and is best avoided.
If you do tell, keep it to a minimum - warn them that he’s probably gambling and they should avoid paying for it.
Hope this helps,
CW
How do you know what they think of you?
Personally I would disengage from that source of info. What they think of you is irrelevant. If you feel you want to warn them that's fine but as CW says keep contact to a minimum. Keep your focus on you and your emotional wellbeing.
thankyou both......i guess i feel a real sense of injustice, that people i once cared about and who are related to my daughter are beleiving him over me. Its so frustrating, but yes you are right, i shouldnt be wasting my energy on trying to put right something i may never suceed in doing so. thankyou......
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