Hi my 36 yr old son is a gambler. He lives alone in an apartment. He has separated himself from family , friends and all he has is his dog. He had a problem as a teen and in college but went to gam anon; although he only stayed in that for 6 -8 months he seemed to have it under control. He finished school and had been successful in sales, even was planning to marry. Then the engagement broke off; He got a better job , but that only lasted 1-2 years. I found out 6 months ago what i knew, he had lost his job and was gambling . I can't say I didn't suspect this.
Now he won't talk to anyone and I am totally distraught. I am a mental health professional, and he has stated he wants no part of counseling. He wants to be accepted for who he is! But he won't answer / talk to anyone. I don't know what to do. Detaching and letting him go is not possible for me at this time. I don't know if it will ever be.
Hi Dots, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing your story about your son,
I gambled for twenty years, before stopping around six years ago.
Your son wants to be accepted for who he is, but does he really accept himself for who he is?
No-one wants to live like this. It is an all-consuming affliction that affects every part of your life and turns you into something that doesn't reflect who you truly are.
He has had quite a turbulant start to life, and clearly has pressure put on his shoulders if he works in a sales environment. Compulsive gamblers are generally emotionally vulnerable people - if we win, then we experience a huge sense of euphoria, which we want to repeat almost straight away (which invariably leads to losing). If we lose, then we face soul-wrenching desperation to regain it, which invariably leads to losing. Others can walk away because it doesn't affect them in that way.
This vulnerability also affects other parts of our life; problems at work, problems in relationships; we often take things much harder than the average person, which leads to us wanting an outlet - this is where gambling comes in.
Counselling may not help him - it doesn't work for everyone sadly, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to be this person, he doesn't want to live a life where everything, love, work, finances have a question mark hanging over it. I would tell him that you can accept him for who he is, if he can. Try and approach him in a different way - as if you were two friends trying to solve a common problem; try to step out of the traditional, concerned parent role and just have a genial, non-judgmental conversation about it.
You don't have to detach yourself or let him go, but you have to protect yourself, emotionally and mentally my friend. There is only so much you can do - it has to come from him; help him if he wants it, be there for him but don't lend him any money whatsoever - if he is desperate, then buy him some food or the barest of bare essentials.
If he doesn't want to talk about gambling, then ask him about what he wants for his future. He is a young man with a lot of time on his side - at the moment, he is stuck in a rut and likely to be very down; I know how that feels - I have walked many miles in his shoes; you have to push yourself to regain focus and direction, you have to appreciate that Rome wasn't built in a day but as long as you make small steps to move forward, as well as facing this afflcition head on, then you have every chance of getting somewhere.
If he doesn't want to talk to anyone, then this website could be a very valuable resource - he would be anonymous, completely anonymous, and be able to share what he feels, amongst those who have experienced, or continue to experience what he is going through. It helped me enormously when I joined seven years ago; I didn't want counselling either because I found it hard to accept the opinion and advice from someone who had never experienced what I had first hand; your son might be the same - he may need to speak amongst others who can offer constructive, non-judgemental advice.
I wish you well my friend. Please, whatever you do, don't blame yourself or lend him any money - be there for him, approach him as you would a friend, and ask him if he wants to live like this as I said above. Explain that you accept him, you will always accept him, if he is truly happy with who he is as a person.
JamesP
My son is also 36. He has been gambling for years. It started when he was about 6. I became aware that he has an addiction 18 years ago. My response has been inconsistent. Mostly, I've been bailing him out when he's needed money for rent & food. I thought that having a son of his own (now 11) would motivate him to stop, but no. My son has tried Gordon House, counselling, GA & has in the past hit what I would have called rock bottom. Last time I saw him I told him that I was through with bailing him out. Yesterday he sent me another email asking me for money. I called the Gamcare helpline. The lady who responded encouraged me to be strong, which I'm trying to be - even though my son said he's going to lose his job & his room; & I fear he might do something reckless. He has been homeless before, & now both job & rooms are in short supply. My plan now is to wait till my emotions have calmed down & email him on Wednesday saying that I'm totally there for him but I'm not 'lending' him more money. Hopefully the detachment I was able to practise when I attended the Soho clinic will help me this time.
As Parents we are so worried about our nearly 21 year old son, who has increased overdraft, owes money to us and family, and uses his wages up asap, he will not listen to us, especially me as a father, I can see that things are getting worse, as he is becoming to have no shame of what he is doing, he knows it all, and quite honestly knows nothing, he seems to take note of all the people, with little or no morals. The rules of life, guidance and respect to others have been diminishing since he was 14, which comulating to this gambling, at this time its poker, I am frightened for his job, as he has good prospects of becoming a Manager, I am frightened, could this develope into stealing, if I say no to lending him money, If I say anything he gets aggressive, its my money my life, how do i get help to help him, he will not go to counseling, and would not listen to home truths in any case, I am positive he would storm out, so if there is anyone with advice that has worked for them, please let me know thanks
Hello Colin,
Well done for posting about your concern for your 21 year old son.
It sounds like communication between you and your son has been a challenge; you’re worried about the consequences of his gambling, and he finds it difficult to listen to your fatherly advice. If you like, you could let him know about this website, in case that might be an easier way for him to begin to consider how other people perceive problem gambling.
You have been trying to assert helpful boundaries by not loaning him money, and you say he responds aggressively. If your son is behaving violently and that is making you feel intimidated or unsafe, you could contact the police.
If your son is worried about his debt, you could encourage him to get free professional debt advice, for example from the National Debtline on 0808 808 4000.
It could possibly be helpful for you to talk with other family members, so that you can express your feelings and thoughts about how you have been affected by what is happening, and listen to others in your family too.
You can also talk it through with a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133. The GamCare advisers can give you emotional support by listening non-judgmentally and empathising, and they may inform you about additional sources of help.
Take care,
Adam.
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