Son's gambling addiction

Hi Pam,
Nice to hear from you and everything is all good my end.

As for a mothers, they will always worry :).....I told my mum about this site and she logs on every now and then. She text me the other day to see if all was ok as she noticed I had been on here a bit more recently. I'm not sure the fear of it happening again will ever leave her unfortunately.

Anyway hope things are improving for you.
Damo

Hello Pam60, yes I know exactly what yu mean about not being active on here trying to deal with the situation and feelings. It is so hard isn't it?

For some days I felt very positive for our son, he did find his rent money in the end and for a while seemed more like himself and even happy. But today I felt sure he has succumbed again, he was rude on the phone to me and edgy, a sure sign he has lapsed. He denied it when I asked him, but he is an accomplished liar and not very convincing! We have told him time and time again that we are totally behind him and will support him through this although I have said I can't give him any more money. But I now find my resolve is slipping, I am trying to be strong, but I can't bear the thought of him failing yet I am so sure he will.........I feel weak and that isn't any use to him or us. I am tempted to just keep away from him.........

Hi! I am back. Just learnt yesterday that my son has been gambling again. I thought he was doing well. In the last few days he had become uncommunicative- told me he was very busy at work. He did not reply to my texts. Then when I point blank asked him if he had been gambling, he admitted that he had been to a casino twice. It started with an email he received from the casino- saying they were celebrating their 60th birthday- there were free prize draws, lots of money to be won for free and he was one of the chosen invitees!! Ofcourse this is a marketing ploy and entrapment- a way to lure you back in to gamble. He succumbed to the temptation and was back there. Im gutted(again)! He was too- when I spoke to him. He knows it was just wrong, the guilt is eating him, he was sobbing his heart out. It just broke my heart to hear him in that state. This addiction is evil and just so hard to deal with. I am not lending him anymore money-'tough love'! But need to put other measures in place so that he can save himself before giving in to the temptation when it appears! Feeling helpless and cant bear to see how this addiction has got a hold over my good, decent, intelligent, kind hearted boy!! Just wanted him to have a normal happy life!! But this d**n addiction has ruined everything, it seems. I know there are so many people,family members, friends-dealing with other kinds of problems that life randomly throws in their paths. Each one has to deal with them and face up to them. I think this dice was rolled at us(no pun intended!) - so I guess we have to do whatever best we can to help him(other than bail him out financially). If anyone has any suggestions- please help!

Hi Pam60. Sorry to see you back here again. Can I ask how your son was in a financial position to go to a casino twice. As an ex gambler I believe the financial blocks alongside willpower are absolutely necessary, willpower alone is simply not enough. The temptation is always there, gambling companies always have wonderful offers to lure gamblers in, but without access to finance we cannot gamble. There will be days when the willpower is not as strong for any number of reasons.

I tell you this as a gambler who has not gambled for 7 months now. The first few months were tough and I had the support of my partner, I know there were days I struggled and I am grateful I no longer had access to finances, as I may have gambled again.

Is your sons' partner still standing by him and looking after the finances, if so find out what happened that he was able to go to a casino, something has clearly gone wrong. Many on here have relapses, talk about it with him and see what can be done to avoid a repeat. If your son is 100% determined to quit gambling then he should have no issue with handing over all his finances, as to put it simply he cannot be trusted with money. Do not accept any excuses from him either and do not give him money yourself.

Hi Pam

I know what you are feeling. Unfortunately they may go a while gfree and some think it is safe enough just to have that one flutter without it spiralling out of control. Unfortunately it does not work that way and they end up back at square one after all that hard work to sort things. Also, it is easy for them to convince us that they are doing well so we may take our eye off the ball and give them a little more freedom with the money. Maybe he had access to cash for the casino or must have had access to some funds that served as pocket money. It is important that he is showing such remorse now, much easier than him being in denial and he was willing to open up to you. You and his partner need to sit down with him and get access to all his finances and make sure he has not taken out payday loans etc. Get regular access to his bank statements, online or otherwise. He needs to know that it will be difficult to get his hands on cash or people are monitering his spending. Try not to bail him out this time. If he has debts then he needs to get financial advice. See what mailing lists he might have on the gambling front and get his name taken off. Get him to put any blocks back on his phone, casinos etc. Get him to ring Gamcare or Gamanon himself to speak to someone. He can get over this if he puts his mind to it. He is lucky to have your support and hopefully his partner. It is a rollercoaster ride but if he can learn to deal with those temptations and the bad days without resorting to the gambling that will be an achievement. It is maddening that these gambling companies throw these free offers out and the real intention is for nice people like your son to get sucked in to breaking their finances and ruining their lives. As a parent it is heartbreaking to watch what they are going through. All I can say is that in our case, quite a while has passed, with ups- and- downs like yours and we can now see light at the end of the tunnel. But it will be a long time before we dare take our eye off things completely.

Good luck and take care.

Hi Pam,

Are you sure your son wants to stop? Or has he just said it because he was caught? What I'm trying to get at, is if his other half had not caught the money out of her account, would he still be doing it?

The fact that he has recently gambled again indicates that he may not necessarily have wanted to stop in the first place. Compulsive Gamblers are liars, I should know, I've taken £3k from my parents for the same reason. I have opened up and am paying that back however.

I think its time that you and his other half really took control from him, the recent trip to the casino indicates a few things

1- he didn't put the necessary blocks in place. Seeing a councillor is no use if you have not self excluded from anywhere

2- he still has control over money

3- He has possibly lied to you and his other half to keep you at arms length so he can let his addiction do its thing.

Unfortunately for us compulsive gamblers, we are on a journey with a disease and it is ultimately us and us only that can stop that. However getting the strong blocks in place, forfeiting money control and speaking to people (GA/Councillor) give us a significantly better chance. If you let the disease have any sniff of opportunity, it will take it, and more hurt will be had.

I really feel for you and I hope that your son get gamble free. Might I suggest that you (or someone you know) buys a book called - Easyway to stop gambling. Its by Allen Carr. This looks at what gambling does in the psyche, the way we think about it, why we gamble and why we do what we do. Ultimately it trains your brain (in my opinion anyway) not to need gambling.

This book wont be much use to you. But if you cant get control over your sons finances, you could maybe make him read that book. I'd like to think once he reads it, he wont even want to gamble.

E

My heart always sinks at the idea of anybody making an active addict in denial sit down and talk/open up about it. The non gambler can sit down and talk until the cows come home but an active gambler won’t be listening. It’s really a whole lot better not to go there.

The trouble is that there’s a whole host of things that he could do to help himself - but none that he can be forced to do. He chooses whether to keep on using or whether to seek recovery. You and/or his GF can’t actually make him do or read or call or whatever. And the addiction isn’t going to go away, even if he holds off using for a few days.

The question for you is what are you going to do, or not do, about the situation that you are in? Start meetings, or not? Seek counselling, or not? Hand over the next bailout, or not? Tolerate more of the intolerable, or not? The same goes for his GF.

CW

Hi Pam,

Really sorry to hear how things are going, but its good that your son was honest when you brought it up. That has to be progress right?

Did you ever look at getting to a gamanon meeting? To help your son long term you need to know how to deal with things in the short term and I believe there is no better place to get the best advice.

Damo

Thank You all for your support and suggestions! I am taking on board all of them - Egdam, I have bought the Allen Carr book you have suggested. I am reading it now- and I am really getting to understand the 'psyche' of a gambler. Hopefully, this will help me in the support I give my son. he is also going to read it. He really does want to beat this evil addiction which has changed his personality and life.ITDamo- yes, I am feeling a bit more positive since my last post. we have had a very honest talk and both of us feel thebetter for it. We know it is a problem- an addiction- but it has to be beaten! He has agreed to attend gamanon meetings and also get counselling through Gancare. I am also seeking counselling through Gamcare as it has been very difficult to deal with (esp the relapse), and it was affecting my health. I pray that he will stay strong and not give in to the 'temptation' or 'urge' to gamble.

Egdam- I have taken all 3 of your points and will reinforce all those measures -not leaving anything to 'trust'. Yes, his partner has taken control of the finances, but he did find a way around it when she was away for a few days to visit her parents! A compulsive gambler becomes so devious and finds his way to to the casino or wherever to get his 'high' or thrill!! but praying and going to do more to tighten measures to stop it happening again. It really is such a slippery uphill slope! But we will make it!

If he really wants to beat the addiction rather than simply telling everyone what they want to hear to get them off his back there are a lot of measures he can take which together will cut off his access to cash and gambling virtually immediately. It's not a case of staying strong or will power. He's beyond that point. There have to be active blocks in place alongside attendance at GA and counselling. If he's taking half hearted measures he's leaving loopholes and loopholes get used.

It's not in your interests to be too understanding. It leaves you open to manipulation and deceit. Learn about the addiction and what you're up against by all means but use it to protect yourself. He can get the support and understanding he needs from GA where they 'get it' in a way we non gamblers never can.