i married my husband in august 2023…. 8 months later I found out he is a gambling addict purely accidentally. We were watching tv and I saw a gambling advert and innocently said oh have you ever gambled, he says yeah about that we need to talk. The next few days, weeks and months were torture. His behaviour completely changed. Lies after lies and just downright rude to me, his parents and my parents.
I then found out he had gambled whilst with his ex 10 years ago and gambled away the money they had saved for a deposit. We are home owners and so I just can’t wrap my head around if he was lieing our whole 9 year relationship and has been gambling the whole time!? He said he has been gambling since feb 2024 when I had an unrelated mental breakdown as that causes him a lot of stress. I just want to know the truth.
Can someone explain how someone’s character can completely change from the kind caring thoughtful person I thought my husband was? And does the person ever ‘come back’ once they are in recovery?
Hi besidemyself
Thanks for posting and sharing your experience ,
Sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this situation , I know it can be really upsetting and frustrating as an affected other going through this .
Unfortunately compulsive gambling and compulsive lying can go hand in hand but once in the recovery process honesty and transparency can build back the trust in relationships over time , addiction can cause people to act out of character so it can be extremely difficult to deal with .
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or chat to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
There's support available for you or anyone affected by this via our forum which offers peer to peer support or via organisations like Gamanon who can support affected others and have group meetings.
All the best with things
Kirk
Forum Admin
Hi besidemyself!
First of all, I’m so sorry to read all of this. As a wife of a gambler I completely understand the pain and hurt you feel. It’s absolutely horrific in fact and I have been completely traumatised by the whole process and gambling world.
My background story is that I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. All of my adult life. Two kids, a house, secure finances and he has a very successful career. I wouldn’t say life has been easy in terms of relationship because his behaviour has always been up and down but never in a million years did I think my life would turn out this way (back in Feb)
For me the lies started to unravel a couple years ago when I saw random bets on our joint account and large withdrawals. When I asked him about it he simply said ‘what has it got to do with me?’. Erratic transactions went from one account to another and I could see a pattern over time. Then he stopped his wages going into our account ‘to protect himself’. Feb came and everything changed for me. I opened two letters of his which were work bonuses. I sealed them up and waited for him to share the news. It never came. I was heartbroken. The lies and deceit is awful. To cut a long story short a few days later I told him I’d opened them and he blamed me for being abusive and coercive etc, tormenting him… attacking him. It was all my fault and I was fixated by money.
I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t see past the betrayal. And I still can’t. I’ve been a loyal wife for 12 years, together for 20years. I’ve am a good mother to his children and supported him with his career. Anyway, I finally asked him if he was gambling because our finances just didn’t add up. He wanted a quick divorce off the internet and refused mediation because ‘he didn’t want to give me the satisfaction’. He simply replied yes to the gambling when he knew there was nowhere else to hide. I was in so much shock and I still am. To the outside world we have everything but I feel empty inside.
I reached out to Gamcare helpline and I would recommend you do that if you haven’t done so already. I have also had two telephone therapy sessions with Gamcare which have been amazing.
I still feel the same about the separation. I don’t think anyone can fully recover and trust again after so much hurt. I’ve always worked on the basis of respect and equal partnership. Whilst I’ve done my bit my husband has hid a huge secret from me.
I hope you find the strength to get through everything. You are not alone and how you are feeling is absolutely normal for what you are going through.
Take care and make sure your put yourself and your own mental health first. Unless your partner is wanting to stop gambling, there is absolutely nothing you can do at this stage to help them. My husband was never going to tell me, that’s what makes it harder for me. If it wasn’t for the letters I wouldn’t know about his habit/ addiction. He isn’t communicating with me or telling me if he’s got help. He is now calling it a hobby. I beg to differ. He got into debt which ultimately affects the family. A healthy hobby would be known to the family, without any debt or lies.
I know I won’t ever forgive him for what he’s done.
Sending love and best wishes to you xx
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