Stopped caring

Hi Sammie, are you still in control of his finances, or does his helping himself mean he has taken back control? If so, he may not be ready for that. Has he attended the counselling that gam care offers, to help him address the underlying causes of his gambling?

Hi Rhoda

I am still in control as in his wages go into my bank every week and he has 50 pocket money for petrol etc. However he always manages to find money from somewhere or someone (he has done in the past anyway) he attended 10 sessions of face to face counselling but we did that as a couple but i have since discovered he has had slips during this time so has just been lying every week to the counsellor. I think he needs to go back to counselling but on his own, but this needs to come from him really. I know the underlying cause and that is he lost his mom when he was a teenager, he has suffered from depression and have attempted suicide in the past,well before he met me x

Hi Sammie, welcome to the forum 🙂

A few things jump out @ me from your post & I wonder whether he has properly handed everything over. If you are monitoring his credit reports & he is still getting his hands on money, he will be burning bridges somewhere @ the very least. The fact that you also attended the counselling sessions would suggest that it was more relationship counselling than him getting to grips with his addiction? Any time we can drag someone else into our 'woes', we aren't owning them & as compulsive gamblers we are extremely manipulative & adept @ blaming anyone & everyone else for our problems.

For you to have found out, again, doesn't bode well for the future & chances are that if it feels like lies, it is (unless he's using Southern trains & then you may need to cut him some slack). If it helps & you have the capability, I offered my now husband the option of 'face timing' me if he was worried. Needless to say, it's potentially incredibly intrusive, not foolproof & not something you should be doing but needs must & I needed it!

You aren't responsible for his mental state & as you say, recovery has to come from him. If he is willing to do what it takes then you need to decide what is acceptable & lay down the ground rules...Don't ever give a gambler an ultimatum that you're not prepared to carry through, we're like petulant children pushing the boundaries! Chances are having been with him for this long & realising now that for some of that time he was relapsing, you could probably do with just as much support to ensure you aren't shouldering the blame. GamCare offer counselling for loved ones as well as the addict & if there is a GamAnon meeting near you, all the better because people there will know how you're feeling! Until he shows you action, you can't afford to trust him & you certainly shouldn't be kicking yourself for feeling the way you do!

Rubbish that I couldn't be more positive but I couldn't live with me & I wonder what you are getting out of your relationship @ the minute? Look after you - ODAAT

It's hard, isn't it? But letting yourself get hung up on where he is is a slow route to insanity. Truth is if he wants to gamble he will find a way. All we can do is protect ourselves financially as much as we can. It's not a good idea to trust a gambler, even one in recovery. My husband has as much input into major purchases as ever and could look at the bank accounts any time he asks but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. Everything we have is in my sole name. he complies with that because that's what I need to feel secure.

Is he accounting to you for how he spends that £50? If not, he should be. Mr L doesn't routinely carry cash (problem area in the past). Everything goes through the joint account and I see receipts so I know there's no cash coming out on the sly.

If he's likely to be spinning family/friends a line it would be advisable to let them know what's going on. It's important to dry up as much potential source of funding as you can both for you and them. Getting access to his credit reports (all three agencies) will tell you if he's taking out loans behind your back or using bank accounts you don't know about.

As ODAAT says, trust your instincts. If you feel he's lying there's every chance that that's the case. Look after you.

Hi ive just been reading through your post and wondered how things are if they are still the same? It's always hard even when it effects the mind mentally my partner has mental health problems but then she started gambling a year ago I've had lies after lies it's totally broken my trust for her she has joined GC and she's now GF for 8 days even though I'm so proud of her it's always in back of my mind if she has a relapse or if the lies will continue? I've had to take time off work ATM until I feel ok in my head to return to my job it really does take its toll on you. I hope all is fine as I noticed you've not posted for abit take care