Thought of myself

Hi @suewoo,

Sorry to hear that you have been through such a difficult time. Living with a gambler has a huge impact on family.

It must have been a really tough decision for you,  but you do have to consider your own wellbeing and that of your children.  If a gambler is not fully committed to stopping and recovering, sadly they are not likely to succeed. 

I can understand your sadness over the end of your marriage. It must be so difficult when you have worked at it for so long, and you are bound to still care about your husband and feel concern for him.  You and your children deserve happiness though so you are right to do what is best for them and yourself. 

Take care and keep posting. There are people here who can understand and relate to your experience. 

Jx

Thank you Jess,

After telling the children and a few days after…he then tells me filing for divorce has made him realise he does have a problem and does need to sort it out. I just find it so unfair that he realises it now. I’ve had to forfeit my marriage for him to get to the point of knowing he needs help. It’s all the lies and trust issues that have left a deep impact on me, I don’t think I could go back to being in the marriage but a part of me feels sad he is now going to be finally going through it on his own. That’s if he is getting help, he could just be telling me this…he goes from needing help to just needing to get a job and get out of his depression to sort it. I guess I’ve just got to cope with going it alone with the children and let him do this for himself. He wasn’t a person I liked or admired towards the end of the marriage anyway so I don’t know why I am feeling so sad…maybe trauma-bonding? I feel so c**P and like a failure to myself and everyone because of this. Thanks for the reply 

It must be so hard. My husband is a gambling addict but he has been gamble free for 15 months now. 

He had gambled on and off for about 15 years without me knowing. I found out purely by accident when I saw some bank statements.  I felt such a fool! I'd had absolutely no idea. It was a very difficult time but we have stayed together because he has stopped. We have total transparency with our finances now and I can account for every penny. 

He is a good man and I have stood by him, but I was heartbroken. It's so hard to come to terms with the deceit.  I hated myself for being so naive and felt like I'd been robbed of a better life without knowing it. We could have been so much better off financially. 

I don't think I could have stayed with him if he had continued to gamble so I understand completely why you have decided to end things. It's a horrible addiction. There are no winners, that's for sure. 

J x

Yes. He’s staying at his parents at the moment but will probably have to come back next week as has a right to stay in the house due to it being in both our names. I have no clue if he had been taking money sneakily now for the past 6 months since I asked him to stop doing it the last time due to it getting out of hand again as he was doing it with my knowledge then. I think he probably managed to hide after and it gradually got to a point where he couldn’t cover it up as I asked for statements. Did you tell anyone outside of your marriage when you found out? Obviously a few close friends and family members know and rightly say I would be going through this again in six months or a year down the line if I didn’t make the decision to end us now so would be setting myself up for more heartbreak. I feel bad speaking out but needed the support…they say if they thought for one minute he would change then they would say go back but we have been here many times. I couldn’t say if he was a good man or not without the gambling because he’s been really hard to live with for years due to the neglect emotionally to the family and marriage- is it him or the gambling, I don’t know. Glad you are managing to get through it & your husband has the respect to get help. I just want the pin to go away. Looks like I will be one of the ones who has to be caught up in it costing my marriage. 

I haven't told any family or friends. I sought help from the advisors on here. At first I was too ashamed to tell anyone, then when I decided I was staying with him, I didn't want people to judge us. It has been hard at times, keeping it all to myself.

In some ways I suppose I was worried that people would tell me I should leave him. I think my family would struggle to understand that it's an addiction. Again I think I might have acted differently if I had decided to leave him. My husband was deeply ashamed himself and he would have hated people knowing. 

It must have been so difficult for you over the years. It sounds like you really tried to make things work. I really hope that you and the children find some peace and happiness. 

J x

Yes - not sure if I’ve made the mistake of telling a few close friends and few family members …I’ve felt so confused so needed support. Like you say though, they have their views on what to do-leave . Thank you for sharing your story…He’s coming back today as got no pwhere to go so needs to save to move. 

Good luck with things. Hope it works out ok. 

@suewoo 

Thank you for sharing your post and for being so honest about how you are feeling.

I am really sorry you are feeling like this, you have done really well to acknowledge that you need more in a marriage for you mental health and to create a postive home enviroment for your children. 

As @Jess27 mentioned there is support avaialble via the helpline.Can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.

Keep posting and sharing. 

Helen 

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