Time to let go

Thinking of you.

Take care

So sorry to hear as67. Sending hugs and some sense of peace your way.

Love

Cathy

I know exactly how you feel, my son has been gambling for the last 3 years . I too have not allowed him home. He manipulates, lies and is abusive towards me. He says hateful things, I have been scared of him , and tried my best not to involve the police, but unfortunately it has got to that stage. I am seeking counselling , with Aquarius, and have found that this has given me the strength to say no. I till get anxious when I get a text, or phone call, I only answer the text if it is a direct request. Ignore the hateful comments. It hurts so much, but I have to start making a life for myself, I have got myself into debt , bailing him out all the time. He too has to make his own way in life - he is 24yrs old and has said he will not stop gambling. I am afraid he will steal but he will have to make those choices. He has had a good up bringing, he know right from wrong. Remember you are not alone. x

Hello a67 Problem Gambling and the loss of trust it often brings can put enormous strain on relationships and the behaviour of someone with problem gambling as you say can sometimes be one of manuipuation and becoming abusive.

It sounds like you have tried your very best to be supportive of your son and he is not ready for help at this point. I can see form your post you are both feeling shaken and upset by what has happened. If you or your husband wish to talk with an advisor at all the Helpline is open each day 8am -midnight the free phone number is 08088020133.

Caroline

Thank you all

Both my husband and I are ok, if ok is the right word to use 🙂

We are making a new normal, a quiet peaceful life that has been long over due. We tried everything to prevent this happening and always thought we would put up with pretty much anything just so we could have a life with our son, but thats not to be.

Loopy 1

Your life sounds identical to mine, only difference is my son is a little younger than yours. My son has refused to stop gambling too, he did make a bit of an effort a little while ago but it was short lived.

We cant help them, and it doesnt sound like either of our sons want help anyway so we have to start thinking of ourselves because they wont be thinking of us. This might sound a bit odd but I actually feel calm and collected now that we have made this decsion, maybe its relief after living in chaos and upset for 4 years.

It was the hardest thing we have ever had to do and we have been putting it off for a long time in the hope that he would start to shows signs of improvement but he never did infact he got worse.A couple of weeks ago I had to get the police involved and I thought that was as low as it got and that he would probably get a shock and "snap out of it", but no it made him worse, just got nastier with us.After his behaviour yesterday it was easier to say no more, and be done once and for all, he knows theres no going back and he is on his own. I cant be manipulated by him anymore and that feels so good, no more emotional black mail.

Loopy I had all the same worries and anxietys you have but something has changed in me, as much as I love my son I wont let him treat me badly anymore.

Thank you Loopy 1 🙂

Hi as67 So sorry it's gutting. When will they see what a good life they could be having
Thinking about you both
Kath xx

Everything is always alright in the end, and if its not alright, then its not the end.

You and your husband are heroes for me, to stay strong together through all the things he has done to turn you against each other for his benefit, it is something i genuinely admire and would wish for in my life, hoping you have some peace for while now.

Hi Pangolin

Thank you very much for your kind words 🙂

Our son has for a long time played a game of "which parent can I hate most today", that one gets the nasty vile son and the other gets "hiya hows your day been" and it switches constantly. He knows exactly what hes doing, its very calculating, cruel and honeslty feels very disturbing. I wonder do all CG behave this badly or is it just our son and is it all the addiction or is it him, I guess we'll never know.

For a long time my husband and I have argued and I really thought it might come to a separation at some point, and I didnt think it was ever going to get any better. We met when we were teenagers and have been married a long time and had always had a very happy marriage until a few years ago when we just seemed to be constanlty bickering. Looking back all those arguments where to do with our son, and since he's left weve not had a cross word and love being in each others company again.

We now have a quiet peaceful life and we will make sure it stays this way

X

A

Hi as67,

Those phone calls from our sons, we never know what frame of mind they are in when they ring, or what they are going to say 🙁

You do right in looking after you now, and getting your marriage back on track, hopefully your son will see red soon, and you will know when he does, cos that Jekyll and Hyde thing will be gone, and you will sense that. but until you know inside and sense that, do not give him an inch, because you will not be doing him or yourself any favours.

Had one of those calls from my son this afternoon, not nasty at all, just wanting Mum, but saw through it, and took tough love to him,, very hard to do, as he is hurting, and I know bring a CG myself, yes it hurt to say no to him. But that is the best thing we can ever do for our sons, even though it hurts us like hell to do so.

Look after you and your husband now, and that is actually the only way you can help your son. By continuing to say no to him.

Best wishes Suzanne xx

Hi I wish

Im so sorry to hear to hear that you're in the same position as us, I dont think theres a word for how you and I are feel at this moment.

Like you we are left with no other choice, but have accepted that this is what we need to do.

Jekyll and Hyde desrcibes our son perfectly, we get the monster and everyone else gets the happy good for a laugh young man. His social media page shows him having the time of his life, parties, out with friends generally having a great life, yet we are left devastated trying to pick up the pieces from the damage he's done.

I know he's manipulating all those friends, hes showing them what he wants them see and not one of them knows the awful truth, but in time he'll slip up and then they will see.

There will come a day when his world comes crashing down and thats what he needs, a true rock bottom, before he wants to get well, I would of thought losing his family would be that rock bottom but seemingly not.

I think the reason our son treats us so badly is because we are the ones he cant manipulate any more, we want him to get well and we started to stick up for ourselves. He is ill and he knows it, but hes had free will and has made his own choices all along, and that is the part that distubs us so much, he chooses to treat us badly, theres only us gets the particularly vile part of him.

We have thought what if he is to get well, show true remorse and go back to the lovely young man he used to be and our answer will be the same, he will not be coming back into our lives. The idea that he wont be coming back has left us heart broken, it feels like raw grief but its what we feel we have to do and wont be changing our minds. This is not to punish him, we love him as much as ever but this has gone on for so long we feel beaten down, and after all the abuse, bad behaviour and vile things he said at the weekend I think every time we would look at him we will be reminded of what hes done, and not just see our son.

Suzanne thank you for your support but you're having just as hard a time as us so you need to look after yourself too, stay strong and Im still believe that tough love is what we need to do

XOXO

Thanks as,

That old saying where we do forgive but never forget, could not be more suitable,

I will always stand by my son and give him unconditional support, as long as it does not involve giving him any money or help with debts, he is a grown man now, and makes his own choices, to even lend him a tenner, is unthinkable because I would think I was letting myself down, I would feel as guilty as I would if I had used the tenner myself to gamble, (if that makes sense) so my own recovery keeps me strong into not giving into my son.

I do hope your son reaches his rock bottom soon, (it sounds like he wants help, but doesn't realise or want to realise he has to do it himself as yet)

Take care and keep living your life, and you look after you as well.

Suzanne xx

Morning as67

Just checking in to see how you are doing? Hope all is well in your world. My world continues to be a bit of a roller coaster but all in all there is progress.

Cathy

Hi Amom

Im pleased to hear theres a gradual improvement in your son, the roller coaster isnt much fun though, its exactly how I desrcribe life with a cg. I hope things get better and better for you and your family.

After saying my son would never come home again he is here, he came back a little under 2 weeks ago.

We never saw or heard from him up until that point and expected to go on with our lives with out him.I never said anything to anyone because I didnt know how long he was going to say and to be honest, Ive been told we are fools by some for letting him come home.

I had heard that for the first couple of weeks after he left he was couch surfing between friends but had worn out his welcome and was living rough. We had no way of knowing if this was true but either way we decided to carry on as we were with out him. I found it very hard, I had to stop myself going looking for him many times, but I never did it what was needed for him and us.

Anyway one night he turned up late in the pouring rain begging to come home or said could he at least have a bed for the night and leave in the morning. He was in an awful state, dirty, upset and in dire need of a shower very upsetting to see he had been sleeping rough for most of the time he'd been gone. To see him in such a way it made it very difficult to turn him away, and it does seem to of given him a very needed reality check.

Im quite sure hes still gambling but he has started counselling again and he seems the better for it..Hes very quiet and polite and has not shown any aggression, a very different young man to the one we last saw. Having said that we rarely see him he tends to stay out of our way most of the time but when he is around hes a nicer person. Of course it could all be manipulation so only time will tell if hes genuine or not.

I cant say its a happy home, my husband and other son can barely look at him and say its up to him to try and put things right. I completely understand I struggle myself and although its not the way family life should be its a improvement so Im grateful for that.

Weve decided he can stay over the winter, providing he continues as he is, if he doesnt then we will have to think of something else. He knows we will have a peaceful life with or with out him. Im hoping in time we see a gradual improvement and some of the damage hes done can be undone, but as you said its very much a roller coaster so only time will tell.

Thank you Cathy

Ann xoxo

Ann please don't ever feel like you are not doing things "right" or the way others would. This is your journey and you are doing it the way that works best for you! It could change tomorrow but for today it is working. My son has been in and out of our home so many times it makes me dizzy. I am sure some would feel that we enable him yet I feel our boundaries are becoming much stronger and observed by our son. The anger has also lessened for all of us and there is a lot more honesty. Is it perfect... far from but there is headway being made. It's a process Ann for them and us. We will get there!

Much love to you and your family.

Cathy