Trust

Morning,

Best advice is to get a babysitter and start regular GamAnon and CoDA meetings. At the moment it’s all about him. Change comes about when you learn how to look after yourself.

Addiction doesn’t go away by itself and it isn’t cured by going through a ceremony of marriage. There’s a lot of info on the forum, it’s worth educating yourself.

re trust, the definition is reliance or expecting a certain behaviour. Actions always speak louder than words. Better to base your expectations/ trust on your actual experience, you can see what he actually does in certain situations, why would next time be different? Separate love and trust, you can still love him and maybe you can trust him in other contexts, maybe he does look after the baby well or turn up to meet you when he says he’ll meet you, you can trust him to do these things. However, he can’t be trusted financially so don’t. No need to apologise for it or explain it to him.

Keep your focus on you.

CW

Hi,

Thanks for your advice, are those meetings available in the UK? I just want to say the timing of our marriage had nothing to do with his gambling problem, I should be clear that his first admission was more of a ‘I’ve been gambling a bit recently and lost some money’ rather than I have a gambling problem that pre-dates our relationship and is the cause of all my financial difficulties. And I had no idea he gambled at all when we got engaged. I also am not naive enough to think marriage would solve something like this.

Maybe trust is the wrong word to use if this is the definition. My partners gambling has meant that he has lied about so much of our life together from the very beginning that I’m left confused about what our relationship is. It’s hard to explain on a forum, but I think a group meeting would be useful for me.

We have all experienced the lies. Trust? I was more interested in sorting the problem, finding help and educating myself on what compulsive gambling really means . Safeguarding myself and my children. Stopping the house being repossessed. Finding support. From experience never believe 'I promise not to do this again' . If a compulsive gambler is seeking the right help, GA, they will know they cannot promise that. Just for today, start living for one day at a time. Don't worry about what you can't control. Separate finances, don't give him money. Don't lie for him, don't keep secrets. You can't stop him, or control him. Keep communication open. As CW says find a meeting.

Downplaying the extent of the losses and denying or minimising the problem are classic behaviours as is outright look-you- in- the-eye-and-do-it lying. He hasn't got it under control either. They can arrest the condition but controlled gambling for any length of time is beyond them and that means permanently.

Is he attending GA for himself or to get you off his back? Has he booked counselling with Gamcare (free) or anyone else? Has he put any mechanical barriers to cash and gambling in place? All these are indications he's serious about stopping and what you've said he's done so far sounds very much like placatory half measures. .

If he's been hiding the gambling in the business books can they be outsourced to an independent party for audit? Cheaper to pay the fees than subsidise a gambling problem. You need to be in charge of everything financial at home including regular checks on his credit reports with all three agencies (all available free any time you want them).

At the moment you can't trust a word he says without independent proof so don't. You don't have to decide what to do right now. Get the finances locked down, protect your interests and give yourself breathing space to see if he means any of what he says. Plenty of time to make decisions once the financial bleeding has stopped.