I find myself here again.
At the weekend, when things are the worst.
So much for things changing.
Payday loan threats again. I know he probably can't get one anymore, doesn't stop him trying. I haven't said a word about it. Stayed silent whilst he spouted off about his losing bet, his poor luck and how he refuses to sit here for yet another Saturday with nothing to do so he had "no other choice" but to take out a payday loan. I'm proud of myself for not reacting to him. I'm petrified that he will succeed in obtaining one.
When we agreed to him coming home and the conditions that surrounded that, threats, no matter how empty were one of the many things that had to stop. Using gambling as a crutch was one of the things he agreed to change at his counselling. He still sees it as a boredom buster, financially uplifting (yeah right! Lol), all or nothing activity, when he set the goal to see it as something fun to do but when it was over and his money was gone, that was it, until next time. All the things he said to me were going to change or stop quite frankly haven't and we are back where we started from. He associates sport and betting. He can't just watch a rugby game coz he enjoys it and is interested in it. He has to bet on it. Tennis. Football. Horse racing. NFL. Basket ball. You name it, he finds it and bets on it. He has no intention of returning for more counselling once his final one is over next week. Then it will really start getting bad again.
I feel like a fool. He is playing all the blame games, manipulation, twisting things, horrible behaviour that I didn't want to live with before, but feel more stuck with now than ever. I feel more isolated, as his family have so much going on I feel I cannot discuss this with them again, especially as they cannot help by having him home. He would end up on the streets. The kids will hate me for doing that to their dad. I feel guilt and sadness amongst the despair, loneliness, fear, hatred, resentment and a thousand other things.
I am back on here, saying the same things, looking and feeling like a mug.
Maybe there is no way out. Not really.
I will sound like a little girl now not the 36yr old I am but I wish my dad was here....I need him. His addiction (he was an alcoholic) killed him. He was my dad, I just need him here. Why did my only guiding light in this world have to be taken away from me? Have I not been through enough in my life (another story and a long one at that but my life has been pretty s****y) already without making me suffer the rest alone?! I feel like if past lives exist I must have been a real, nasty, horrible b***h before now to get dealt the hand I have in this life. The only good are my children. I love them so much. I'm rambling on but my mind is flitting and whirling around and sometimes it all comes tumbling out. Maybe I will go to sleep and not wake up....then I will be at peace. At last. But I know I am well so this will not happen....not for a long time yet.
Hi sad I'm sorry your still going through a tough time. It doesn't look like your partner is able to stop any time soon does it. You have some tough decisions to make about yours and your children's future. None of this is your fault but you are feeling the consequences of him gambling. In your head what are the words your dad would be telling you to do? take care Wcid.
Hi Sad
You are not a mug or a fool you are doing your very best in a truelly awful situation.
Can you see him wanting recovery soon or do you think it will just be more of the same, Im guessing you already know the answer.
This has to be whats right for you and your children but Im afraid its only you who can decide when you've had enough.
Take care
Hi WCID and Phoenix,
Thanks for your replies.
In answer to your questions he will never stop gambling I am very sure about that. He had the perfect opportunity but hasn't taken it. The best possible outcome for him was to continue gambling but gain some control. He has done the first but not the second. He did, for about a week, then it all started slipping back into the old way of life. Now, I just don't expect anything at all. The thing is, he knows I don't love him. He knows he had to work hard to prove to me he was putting me before his gambling before he could start to win back my love, if that was even possible at all. But all he's done is prove to me yet again that it comes before anything and everything else. He asks me if I love him yet. I tell him no. I don't think I ever will. It's all too damaged. He's damaged us. He is doing the usual, he's not changing when he doesn't see me changing either. Making snide comments and remarks about how he couldn't be involved with this event or that event with the children because of me if I had kept him away. Always trying to guilt trip me. I feel so worn down but try hard not to let him see it. I don't want him to win. But he has. I'm tired, sick and freeking tired of fighting something that is ruining my life, destroying my marriage. But there is no way out. Not really. He will never leave this house now he has confirmation from the council that I have no legal right to remove him, ask him to leave or police to remove him without the threat of violence towards me or the children. We have a joint tenancy and he knows his rights. He has also said if I leave with the children again he will involve the police and have me classed as a missing person and that I will have absconded with the children. I will most probably be labelled as having mental health issues and be a danger to my kids aswell if he has his way. I wouldn't put it past him. He is very vindictive and nasty.
WCID, if my dad were alive he would have kicked his a*s by now! Joking aside, my husband has admitted to me that the reason he treats me so badly is because he knows he can get away with it as I have no family behind me to watch his behaviour and pull him up on it if he's treating me wrongly! Imagine how that feels to have that said to you....it was like being hit by a train at full speed! How do you deal with that? My dad would tell him to sort himself out or he will be removing him away from me. My dad ended up at the police station under caution after my violent ex put me in hospital and my dad found he had broken into my flat whilst I was there and fell asleep on my bed....my dad found him, went crazy and threw him out. The scumbag tried to have him done for assault but the police said if it was their daughter he'd have had a beating and wouldn't have been lucky enough to be walking away anywhere! My dad would never accept my husband treating me the way he does, even though he's never violent in any way. I miss him so much. I need him to put his arms round me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright. But he can't and it won't be and that's just the way it is for me.
SaL I've watched your heart breaking for weeks now & I'm going to say the same stuff to you that I said @ the start, you have to get help! What did the counsellor suggest?
Get back to the refuge & let him report you missing...The police will have no interest in dragging you back when you & the children are in a place of safety! Let him accuse you of having mental health problems & when (more likely to be if) you are spoken to, show the Approved Mental Health Professional (AMHP) these diaries and answer their questions as best you can. He was the one bound over previously, all he doing is twisting everything to put the blame @ your door, he may have a letter from the council saying you can't kick him out but the law is quite clear on domestic violence!
"Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."
www.mind.org.uk
I'm also reposting something from one of your earlier threads because of the online link...Hope it works!
Forum admin wrote:
Hi sad and lonley,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing. And welcome to the Forum.
There is a lot of help and support on the forum and in the chat rooms that we run. We can see you have received really good support and advice from some of your peers already.
If you want to get support from an Adviser by typing, you can do this by clicking on the following link. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VuHgUvmLS5t This service is open 8am-Midnight 7 days.
We also offer free one to one Online counselling. If you come through to the NetLine we can explain and explore your options more. You can also read about the Online counselling by clicking on the link below.
We are pleased to see that you have emailed Womens aid. We can also see in your first post that you have called the Police in the past, so it's good they are aware of your situation. If you feel unsafe, please contact them again.
Please also read around the Refuge website if you haven't already. http://www.refuge.org.uk/
Warm regards
Forum Admin
Hi, S&L,
You know the one about manipulation? You don't have to believe everything he says, would be so much better not to.
I can recognise the point about family, my husband also took advantage of that. My father died not long after we got married (he would have been horrified) and my mother was elderly, frail and then died. I have also wished for a brother or two to march in and sort my husband out but I am an only child, that was never going to happen. Ultimately, we each need to depend on ourselves...and we are up to the task.
What motivated me second time round and made me regret my mistakes first time round was the kids. I was physically shaking when I confronted my husband, the prospect of the upheaval was hideous but it had to be done. The children do learn from what their parents do and how they behave. There are no guarantees that they will go on to emulate my example towards gambling and not their father's. The lack of trust has affected them. We have set them no example of a functional relationship, not sure how they are supposed to go out and form their own. My husband is in recovery at the moment but the older children have grown up with his addiction, mood swings, remoteness. I wouldn't want any of my children to go through what I have or to inflict it on anyone else. But much as I dislike the idea of, "Don't do as I do, do as I say", I've been no better. All I can do now is to refuse to tolerate more addiction and hope for the best.
For me, it's a bit late. But not for you. You can act, for your sake and your children's, get the help you need and do what you have to do to keep everyone safe.
Take care,
CW
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