I’ve just found out my partner has a gambling problem. He’s used all his salary, savings and even stolen from our joint account and our child. I’m trying to get the truth out of him but it’s been a few days now and he still seems to be lying.. I think he’s gotten so used to lying to me that it’s hard to stop.. what should I do and what questions should I be asking him to find out the whole truth?
Hi confused partner. The first thing is secure finances, stop his ability to access your accounts. Normally there's more debt than they first tell. Get credit reports from all agencies (Experian, clear score, etc). He can find a Gambler's anonymous meeting. See if there's a gamanon meeting as well for you. You can call gamcare too, they offer counselling for partners. He can also sign up to gamstop (5years) and download blocking software on gadgets. It's his debt not yours, don't offer a bailout or borrow from family. His debt comes last after living expenses. If he can't pay he can call stepchange. This is his responsibility not yours. Only believe what you see, not what he says. If he's depressed he needs to see his gp. Don't ignore this, it doesn't get better overnight.
You will need to establish the facts independently. Use credit reports in both your names from all three agencies. Make sure he can't access any accounts or savings and get him to hand over control of any accounts in his own name. There's probably little point in asking him questions. You won't believe him even if it turns out he is being truthful and if he's set on protecting the addiction he will look you in the eye and lie.
Prioritise protecting you and your interests.
Above advice is sound.
I'm a well educated man. I have a good job, a good wage and I'm an established member of my local community. I have a wife that I love and 3 beautiful kids.
However, I've lied, I've hidden evidence and I've denied that I've had a problem for many years. Even after threats of my relationship ending, I continued to gamble. I can't explain it and I'm feeling quite blessed that I decided to stop and have done over 100 days now (it's a start!) Gamstop and this forum have been crucial for me. I don't know how you feel about sharing this forum with your partner?
I say that because, I look back and wish I'd "got caught" sooner and had restrictions placed on my finances or at least had protection of others. Lot's of gamblers secretly wish to get caught and for it to be over. It seems from reading a lot on here that it's the only way a lot of proud people have been able to get the initial "support" they need to make a positive choice.
Do protect yourself and don't lend any money to support unless you're getting factual details of why. It will be the kindest thing you will ever do for your partner and they will be thankful.....maybe not straight away....but over time and after a lot of reflection.
Hi Confused Partner,
Sorry you are here, I hope the last few days since you posted have been OK.
Again I echo the credit agencies and please don't trust anything unless you do it yourself, it's not you being horrible, its you being safe
so don't look at printed out reports given to you, don't trust a screen shot, you need to sign in to the credit reports yourself
and keep those questions on you, about you and about how to protect yourself - the rest will follow in time - whatever that might be
best wishes
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