What should I do?

Thank you Half Life,

I feel like my head is on overload and trying to process what has happened without breaking down is really hard.

I have spoken this morning with the president of the club and he is also very upset as he has always thought so highly of him as have the members of the club. He has called an emergency meeting with the committee to discuss what action they will take and of course they have my full cooperation. I have to go in to work at 5 to meet with a couple of them so we can go through the money and get a final figure of what exactly he has stollen.

As for him, he has slept all day, I've popped my head in his room a couple of times but he has just looked at me no words have exchanged and I have closed the door hoping he would then come out of his room to speak to me but he hasn't bothered. I don't know what he is thinking or feeling, how he will be with me, if he will feel remorse or be angry, scared?

I will certainly take action around our finances and possessions and know me and my partner have to be strong buy firm with him I just don't know whether I want to do it with him living under our roof or to tell him to move out for a few days though I know he has nowhere to go.

He has his next counselling session due on Thursday. Do you think I should tell him to ring anyone about his relapse or let him just wait to see her on Thursday?

I'm so sorry if this message is a little erratic. I didn't sleep a wink and my head feels like it is not going to stop whirling.

Thank you again for your advice HL xx

Hi A worried mum

I am the mum of a compulsive gambler too.

I wish I could to tell you what to do to help your son, but as awful as it is we cant help them, it has to be up to them.

The relationshipe between my son and my husband and I is strained to say the least, we've been doing this for a long time and we're no further forward. We've been trying to decide what to do for the best for a while and it basically comes down to do we continue living this awful way or do we tell him to leave as we have done before.

This afternoon he has made the decision for us, hes stolen from us again, not a lot but he still chose to steal from us again. We thought we were very careful with money around him, hid everything financial, didnt keep much cash in the house and that was always out of harms way, or so we thought. Even today when I asked him what he was doing in my room he made up some excuse and I believed him, I never thought for a moment he would go hunting around for money. I felt sick when I realised what he'd done.

We told him after the last time he stole from us that he would at the very least be leaving or we'd call the Police. I was hoping this would never happen again but if we dont do what we said it will continue to happen again and again.

I know that he has nowhere to go, and he'll more than likely be sleeping rough plus he has a health issue that makes it even more complicated, like your son. Im scared witless and wish to god we didnt have to do this but if we dont follow through he will never face the consequences he needs.

I would never tell someone else what to do but knowing what I know now and all the **** we've been through the best thing we can do for them and us is let them reach rock bottom and stand back while it happens.

Theres been times when Ive stepped in and saved him from some disaster or another thinking I was helping and he made many promises that he never kept. All its done is prolong the agony.

Do what is right for you but be aware that if you spare him from the consequences of what hes done its extremely likey he'll do it again.

Take care

Hi worried mum...like as67 I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. It's heart wrenching and if you don't protect yourself financially and emotionally they will take you to the bottom with them. It's not personal (though it feels like it) and its not an indication of his lack of love for you.He is an addict and until he finds his way into recovery it's all about the gamble.

Try and put some boundaries into place that you are comfortable with and can follow through on. You sound like a strong lady with regards to his stealing from your work. I know you must be devasted but you are helping and loving him the best way possible by letting him face the consequences of his actions.

This is a long road for you and your son. Even when/if a CG finds recovery for the most part it is not a straight line. There are lots of bumps/mountains along the way. There is lots of different support available. Find something that works for you... this is such a hard journey and finding a support group and being amongst others in the same position as you can help so much!

Please take care

Cathy

hi all

i too have a son that gambles and although he admits he has a problem he won't seek help............ im now at a point where i am unwilling even to buy food for him in the hope that this forces him to look at his life and change his priorities ... he still lives in my house has stopped paying any thing towards the bills or shopping so he has more to gamble with i live with my partner but still pay for everything as its in my name.i want to give the house up and move in with my partner full time but this will leave my son with nowhere to go, i'm just at a complete loss as to what to do.

Hi Ladies

Ive posted here more times than I care to remember so you willl know that things arent good with my son.

Ive no idea where my son is or even if hes well, any efforts for me to even find this out have come to nothing, hes made it clear he doesn't want to know us.

I am heart broken and would like nothing more than to go and find him but all that would do is prolong the agony. Even if he wanted to see us we've made the decision not to see him while he gambles its too upsetting so its best for him and us at the moment.

Its taken me a very long time to accept that this is something he has to do for himself, its the same for all cg's who ever they are. I understand just how scared, frustrated and a million other things you are feeling but we have to find the strength to stand back and let them do this for themselves.

My son is very angry at us now and will be while he gambles its easier for him to blame us rather than accept the consequences of his actions. They have to face what they've done its part of recovery, if they dont they just continue.

If Ive learned anything it was that we should of been far tougher a long time ago, we helped too much and all that happened was that my son got worse and worse, hes unrecognisable now.

suelessmum - my son refused to pay towards bills, and Im sorry but if your son is doing that hes getting worse, mine got very arrogant, he thought he could do anything. My advice would be dont help him at all, nothing, no food, definetly no money, and its up to you if you decide not to give him consequences for not paying towards the bills but if you dont he'll just keep doing it and take advantage of you. If you give ultimatums you must be prepared to follow through if you dont its empty threats and they will take advantage of you.

Theres no answer for any of us I wish to god there was, but the kindest thing we can do for them and us is leave them alone, dont rush in to help. Its beyond awful as a Mum to sit back and do nothing its against our instincts but with this its the best thing for them and us. Our lovely sons are in there somewhere but at the moment they're ruled by addiction and we have to think with our heads and not our hearts while thats the case.

Take care x

Hello as67

I'm so sorry to hear that the relationship with your son has deteriorated. I can imagine not knowing where he is, or how he is, is very distressing for you. I hope the situation improves soon.

Your decision not to see him while he continues to gamble sounds like a good way of ensuring your own safety and sanity, however painful this is for you. You have described some very challenging encounters with your son in previous posts, which understandably made you feel upset and unsafe. In view of this, it does seem the best thing for you both not to have contact with each other at the moment.

It's good that you can see beyond his anger and recognise that this might be his way of coping with what's going on in his life. Hopefully it helped somewhat to recognise that you cannot do or say anything to make him stop gambling, and that this is something he has to do for himself. I can hear from your posts how much you care about your son, and the amount of energy and care you've invested in trying to help him, giving him many second chances along the way.

You mentioned that you may have helped him too much in the past. This is a common feeling amongst those closest to someone with a gambling problem. I hope you don't blame yourself for anything you did/didn't do along the way. It's clear you wanted to help your son to the best of your ability, and it's fair to say that understanding the best way of tackling problem gambling only comes with experience. Perhaps you can assure yourself that you have always done what you thought was best for him at the time, and who knows, maybe deep down your son knows that too.

You've been through a lot, so be kind to yourself. Now might be a good time to start focusing on your own well-being?

I wish you all the best.

Laura