what to do now?

Hi, Rachel,

Sorry to hear what's happening.

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing by educating yourself and getting support. GC have a helpline and also offer counselling which is well worth taking up. Also it's worth making the effort to go to GamAnon meetings. It's all too easy to get caught up in the chaos surrounding the gambler but the best approach is to keep your focus firmly on you. Your problem is not how to make him stop - you can't. Your problem is the effect that his addiction is having on you, he's let you down, his debt (his, not anyone else's) is such that it affects your dreams of home and family. You need real help and support to cope with this and to make the best decisions for you.

On a practical note, protect your finances. Avoid joint accounts, don't leave passwords lying around, avoid paying for everything yourself without him contributing.

A gambling addiction can be arrested but never cured. There is a host of measures that he (he, not you) can take to eliminate his access to gambling and he can always go to counselling and GA meetings so as to manage his addiction on a daily basis. There are plenty of diaries where this is the case. But as his mother has found out the hard way, keeping quiet and bailing out helps no one. Gambling has hard consequences, it ruins relationships and haemorrhages money. If he is cushioned from these consequences by bailouts and by those around him tolerating the intolerable and accepting responsibility that should be his, then there is no motivation for him to change himself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

re your last sentence: The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. He places the bets because he has the compulsion to do so and therefore only he can stop. Whatever you do will not send him to the casino or keep him from it, if he goes to the casino that's his choice and he is responsible for it. By the same token, your choices about how you live your life are yours alone, you do have choices and you do matter.

Hope this helps, look after you.

CW

Thanks Cynical wife for your reply.

In the two years he has not stolen a penny from me and he knows my pins had access to my money although we have no joint account and knows I am not gonna stand for anyone stealing from me. I would report him to the police in a second like anyone else if he stole from me.

we are in the process of buying a house which would mean we are joined financially and got to admit these forums are making me scared.

The forums tell it like it is. Sorry but can't reassure you that all will be well. Unchecked, the addiction is progressive and addicts do things that they're not proud of. My husband stole from the children and I, not at first but later after the addiction had progressed that far and I wouldn't have believed that he would ever go there until I found out afterwards that he had.

Joining up to buy a house in itself won't change whether or not he gambles now or in the future but it would change your position. You may think that you wouldn't tolerate theft but it's not so easy to put your life partner or nearest and dearest behind bars, most individuals end up backing away from it. Employers tend to take a harder line.

Think long and hard before making that commitment to him. Put your own interests first, look after you. It is possible to live a normal life without gambling but the risk is always there.

CW

Hi Rachel

Sorry to see what you're going through. It's always rubbish when we find out what's been going on behind our backs.

In answer to your question, yes, it may well effect you forever in that you would be very well advised to maintain a level of financial vigilance many would find daunting and you will never know for sure whether he's betting again which in itself can cause a strain.If he wants to give up he's going to have to commit to things which may be inconvenient, even embarrassing on occasions. It's a lifelong addiction which can be arrested but not cured. It's also progressive and unchecked can and does lead the gambler down paths no-one including themselves believe possible. Many of us have only found this out once things have progressed to chaotic levels.

Secure your finances, read up on the addiction and then think hard about what you want and deserve from a life partner.

thanks, my bf has had counselling in the past and has committed to go back again now after spiraling again and has run up a large debt. I knew nothing about the past this was two years before we met.

Cynical wife, I am a tough cookie (most of the time) I have reported a family member for stealing previously and they are completely cut out of my life now and that was 5 years ago and will not allow them back in. bf knows about this I would not tolerate stealing from myself or my family. He has access to a large amount of money through work I said this worries me however he said he is not a thief and would never steal. I know I could never know this but he has never stolen and think I would be unfair to think he would.

I am no expert however I feel he has always had it together even though he has been through some horrific times. I have said I feel he could benefit from regular counselling as well as that specific to gambling as he does have some demons, however that is not something I am pushing because this would have to be something he wants.

I hate to be that girl that defends there bf when he has a problem but I struggle when he is so great with everything else, for two years we have had the best time we have always financially been completely equal. we have always split bills rent down the middle and he has never asked for money, taken any money or been resentful that I am earning considerably more. He knows I have savings and when I asked how much the debt was, he told me, but said under no circumstances are you paying any of it off. I have his cards as he said he likes that he can not be wasteful always been a bit of a payday millionaire. I am currently giving him £40 a week from his account then we are splitting shopping and bills as usual.

I know I need to protect myself.

Lethe he is everything I could want from a life partner other than this (I know this is a biggie), he knows he has completely let me down with the lies, the spiral happened over a two week period and he came home after that and told me everything as he wanted to stop and knew he needed to tell me. he was shocked I did not walk, I am a little after a week of crying I have pulled myself together.

I honestly think time will only tell. I feel I need to trust him and if he betrays it I am gone, I do not want to be hiding passwords hiding my purse ect if I need to do that I would not be hear I will not live my life that way. maybe I am young and dumb and would probably tell anyone in my situation to get out or at least do everything to ensure they could not take from you but I honestly believe he will not steal from me. Howver I am not sure he will not gamble again therefore if we are financially tied with a mortgage then that could effect me if he built up a debt he could not pay.

I am honestly feeling in limbo I know it has only been a few weeks since I found out but my plans are now all out the window. I am certainly not ignoring his problem but i feel i can not let it define him or us. Maybe this could be a big mistake and I should heed the clear warnings on here but if I do not have some level of trust or plans for the future whats even the point of staying in the relationship.

Hi again

How far you trust him is of course up to you but please bear in mind a CG who doesn't want to stop will tell you everything you want to hear and be right back at it without batting an eyelid. It's entirely fine not to trust him around money and if he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he likes but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. Everything apart from a joint account with a very small OD limit is in my sole name. Has your partner suggested anything other than you holding his cards? (bear in mind it's still possible to gamble online if he knows the card number and security code)? Is he making plans for repaying the debt he's run up? Has he booked in for counselling (Gamcare offer free sessions) and found his local GA meeting? Is he showing receipts for his spending? These are only a few of the suggestions a committed would be ex- gambler might consider. Practical blocks are good for buying breathing space so they can't act on a whim but he's also going to need to identify and address the deeper issues that are driving the compulsion.

I don't want to sound harsh but this is the reality of living with an addicted gambler. It can of course be done provided both parties work together to do all that needs to be done. There are success stories right here but a CG even in recovery is only ever one bet away from getting sucked in to the cycle of disaster all over again.

Hi Rachel

I am a wife of a CG of 14 years. Ive just discovered the 5th, and biggest, gambling discovery of over £20k. We jointly own our home and my fear that one day we'll have the bailiffs coming round has driven me to choose to walk away from him. We have 3 children which is hard but I have now gone into protective mode of her bear cubs. TBH, the 4th episode last year, which was the first one in 4 years, completely crushed my heart and my feelings towards my husband.

I have had access to his banking etc but he resorted to opening up secret credit cards to gamble online- cards registered to his parents address. He'd been saving his weekly 'pocket money' up and paying them off every month. As a wife of a CG, you'd think I'd have spotted the signs... towards the end I did suspect by the amount of time he spent on his phone. It's not personal but a CG WILL find a way if they want to. I echo what people say, protect yourself financially. Only you will know how you feel if your bf falls off the wagon and let's you down.

As an aside, my husband, who has always refused professional help on my insistence, is now attending sessions once a week. Although I cannot be with him anymore, I will support him as much as I can but ultimately, it's only the CG themselves that can mend them.

Good luck, hope everything turns out good for you xx

Hi, Rachel,

It is a defining problem, though. It dictates a way of life which wouldn't otherwise be necessary. Possibly comparable to a physical problem or limitation, it can be controlled but it's always there in the background. I avoid leaving passwords lying around (his poison was on line) but have realised that I don't need to lock up my purse or my cards.

He became involved with you without telling you something very important. You may want to trust him but the experience is that blind trust of a CG who hasn't earnt that trust leads to betrayal. His behaviour won't change depending on whether or not you do trust him. However, love and trust can be separated and you can refuse to trust him financially whilst still in a relationship with him. I trust my doctor or the clerk in the bank without any need to love them.

It's very early to make a decision about your relationship. I'd still advise counselling and GamAnon.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. I can only speak as the parent of a cg. I was like you when I first found out, I was terrified for his future. He has a girlfriend whom he has told everything to, I have also spoke to her about his addiction and gave her advice on what signs to look for. It is really scary when you join this forum and read some of these stories, families have been through so much heartache through no fault of their own. Please be assured there are some success stories out there as well, yes it can be an ongoing struggle. If your boyfriend wants to stop and you think the relationship is worth fighting for you need to put rules into place from now on. Sign up to a credit reference file so you can monitor his credit file which will show any new credit if he applies for any. You're already giving him money each week which is a good step and one that needs to continue. In my own sons story his girlfriend now took over from me in looking after their finances and he accepts this is how it needs to be. I wish you well in whatever you choose.

HI WCID

thanks I know this forum is reality however I do trust my partner and feel to move forward there needs to be some level of trust. Can i ask what are the signs I should be looking out for? I had no clue before he told me. He is really motivated to pay down the debt we are about to buy a house his mother is giving him his half of the deposit. He said it is fine that he is going to put in deposit but only my name will be on the mortgage and then in 2 years we can add him once I have seen a commitment and a significant reduction in the debt.

I may be young and naive and this may all come back to bite me however I can not throw away a great relationship because of this, we will adapt and make it work for us both.

Hi I'm my sons case he used to get moody, avoid wanting to talk, told lies as why he needed to borrow money when I knew he had a decent paying job. After we found out and he put me on his bank account I would at first monitor his spending, his pattern was small withdrawals of ten pound a time but there could be eight of them in a day, then maybe nothing for a few days then the same again. I got to know his pattern very quickly. I do agree you need to see commitment from your boyfriend. Don't become too relaxed about keeping an eye on finances and his credit file it's something that you need to be doing for the foreseeable future, knowing you are monitoring everything will help him stay gamble free. I think you sound like a lovely and supportive girlfriend and I wish you both well.

WCID