3 years into our marriage, a lovely family home, a dog, a beautiful 1year old and money in the bank. Everything is perfect, couldn't be happier. Then a few months ago my husband, a man I've known for 18 years tells me he's a compulsive gambler, our future savings are gone, he's not paid any of his bills including the mortgage for 3 months and he cant stop. We're in trouble. we decide he needs help and this has to stop! We arrange for me to have his bank cards, he receives counselling phone calls each week, he cancels his online gambling accounts, he reads a book recommended by a friend, and arranges for his brother to take payments from customers and take control of money in his business. As the days go by my husband expresses how much better he feels now everything is out in the open and how he realises what he's done and NEVER wants to do it again. The plans he made for handling of his money don't happen. But he's "over it now" so it's ok.
4 months later ( 3 weeks ago) he calls me crying and says we need to talk. It turns out he has lost double what he told me, half of it isn't his!, he's gambled away money people gave him to help and he's still gambling. He'd lost £500 in 2 hours that day, and tens of thousands in the last 18 months! and were on the verge of loosing the house, as well as the flat he owns which his sister lives in. Gobsmacked I give him absolute hell and tell him I'm leaving if it happens again. I now have control of his finances and for now, there's no gambling happening. As far as I know.
Who is this man?? It's not the man I married! He has stolen from people (not intentionally), lied to my face over and over, and is practically living a secret life. I've been through hell and back myself this year with postnatal depression and anxiety, and loosing a baby a few weeks ago and now this. I'm very afraid for our future. His family aren't taking it seriously at all. A week after he told his family, his sister asks if she can borrow some money from him, a week later his dad does the same thing! He has attended a CG meeting where they spoke about gambling as an illness. He's reluctant to think of what he's done as an illness and feels that's making excuses for his behaviour or taking the easy way out. My anxiety is rearing its ugly head again just as I was getting over it and all I read is how it destroys marriages. I think I'm struggling and can only see things getting worse. I love my husband and want to support him but how can I when all the trust has gone. I don't know this person.
Hi Sparkle, welcome to the forum 🙂
Can I 1st say how sorry I am to hear about your loss, that must have been devestating in itself so to have all this on top doesn't bear thinking about 🙁 Consequently, the standard advice for our loved ones means even more in this case, firstly, you must get help for you. Be that through routes you know & trust or using the helpline & maybe even considering their counselling services which won't cost you. Also, if there is a GamAnon group near you, that should be a consideration as people there will have walked in your shoes.
It's not entirely clear from your post whether it was a half reveal in the 1st instance or whether he's gone on to double the debts but regardless of what he thinks, says & does, he won't get 'over it' any time soon. I can't tell you who he is, only he knows that but I can tell you, us gamblers can be charm personified if it means we get to continue unabated! We also mean every word we say when we're rolling in the gutter promising never to gamble again but without help, it's very hard to arrest. It's very common to hear the gambler hates what they have become, hates gambling & is never going to gamble again but goes right back to doing it because our deluded brains tell us we can do it alone. Having it out in the open is a huge relief, having new stricter controls in place will make it harder for him but until he addresses his underlying issues, it will continue to beckon him back time & time again. I'm not sure what meeting he went to but I would hazard that the rationale behind him having a different opinion to the group may well be weighted by him not wanting to attend. Get him to GA, they shouldn't sugar coat it there if that's what he really means!
None of this is your fault & if you're planning on sticking around, you need to educate yourself & fast on the addiction, it is vile & destroys lives, as you are testament to. With the right approach, it can be arrested & despite my very visible issues, I am a better person in recovery than I could have ever been otherwise. He's going to need some urgent financial advice & you need to protect yourself as best you can financially too (GamCare will be able to point you in the right direction).
Look after you, look after your baby - ODAAT
Hi Sparkle
Who is this person you married? He is the husband and father you all love AND he is a compulsive gambler. Unfortunately just because he hit what we a non gambler would assume to be a rock bottom that isn't usually the case. Once the devastation of what they have done starts to subside thoughts return to how can they recoup their losses. There isn't a switch that just turns it off.
I am the mom of a 9 year compulsive gambler. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "never again", "I'm done", "I have no interest in gambling anymore" and on and on and on. It's not that they don't mean it at the time it's just that it's not that easy.
The best thing you can do is try and find a Gam Anon or other such support group. This journey you are on can be made so much more manageable with some support from people who know exactly what you are going through.
One of the spouses on the forum will be able to give you more concrete financial advice.
Please find yourself some support ASAP.
Cathyx
Thanks both, I have taken control and by the skin of our teeth have avoided the start of repossessing our home. He has a plan in place to start getting rid of his arrears, and he attends a GA meeting each week. As you said they will, the group didn't sugar coat it and told him he had an illness and he needs to accept it. We talked about what he's done and he made a realisation that it's more than a habit. That's what he said it is, just a habit he needs to break. A habit wouldn't make him do what he's done to people and he realises that now at least.
the first time was a half reveal, it wasn't the full truth, I gave him some space and trusted him. I didn't want to be his stalker but that got him no where as he just went straight back to it. So this time we're doing it different by me taking control. He says he feels good but can't promise that if he had access to money that he would still not be doing it. Huge alarm bells rung when he said that to me. I slacked a bit but have tightened up again now.
I guess what I'm looking for is an answer in how I can fix him. But deep down I know he has to do it himself and that kills me. The fact I can't really do anything kills me. I scream, I shout, I trust him too much, I'm very gillable, I don't want to believe he is lying to me and become a detective and trace his every move. It's hard work, and physically and emotionally draining. I'm heart broken and scared. I feel it's all down to me to keep him from having opportunities to return.
Im sorry for what you are both going through and admire the strength you have, I'm thinking this may be a life long issue and hope to have your strength one day.
Hi, Sparkle,
Sorry to hear what's happened.
re practicalities, I would advise you to get statutory credit reports in your name and his from Experian, Equifax and Calll Credit, who are the three main credit agencies. That would verify the extent of the debt and ensure that there's nothing else. Don't rely on what he tells you, rely on what you see printed on financial documents. Get debt advice, especially as to your own liability but generally household expenses come first, gambling debts come a poor second.
The idea that his other family members keep wanting to borrow money sounds odd. Does he owe them? In which case they'll have to wait? Or has he grown up in a family of gamblers? In which case it's problematic because there's a culture of gambling that won't be helpful.
GA see gambling as an emotional illness, that can be arrested but never cured. It's not a cop out or an excuse because they also expect the gambler to take responsibility for what he does. One aspect of the illness is immaturity and long term recovery is achieved by bringing about a change in personality. It's possible to live a sober life in recovery but the compulsion always remains.
re fixing. We'd all like to fix our gamblers because we're so much more effective and competent and we can see exactly what's needed but it just doesn't work. Partly to do with responsibility and maturity, he's not a toddler who has to be saved from himself and you're not his mother. He's supposed to be an equal life partner. He has to grow up and take responsibility and clear up his own mess. Financial control for you is a must but its main purpose is to protect you and family money. For him, it's one of many tools to help him overcome his addiction, if he chooses to do so. Ultimately, to bet or to seek recovery is his choice and his alone. You can't make it for him.
Echo advice to get a babysitter and go to GamAnon meetings. The advice is to keep the focus on ourselves, on our problem of living with someone else's gambling addiction. Generally, once the finances are locked down and you're safe, don't interrogate or police to excess. You can't stop him if he still is gambling or make him tell you the truth if he isn't minded to, you can't make him do recovery. Also, never give an ultimatum that you are not prepared to enforce in full - he has to take you seriously.
What you can do - with the right help and support - is decide how you live your life, decide what you will or won't tolerate and take responsibility for those decisions.
Take care of you.
CW
Sorry to hear your story yes you are right as a cg for 10 years I can't believe after admitting it to my family how they feel I'm a total stranger to them that has led a double life it's heart breaking that there is now an emotional distance.yes I am trying to put everything right with counselling,ga meetings,handing over financial control one good thing is its been 30 days gamble free but I know there is a long way to go so never be under any illusion that's things are ok yes you may feel different about your partner as do my family for me I want to regain the trust and be happy and if that's what you want and your partner is on the same page then work at it do what ever it takes its going to be tough but you can do it good luck.
True Cynical wife it requires real change about how you think and deal with everyday situations and emotions at the same time be honest and true to yourself
Sorry to see what you're going through. I doubt there's anyone on this side who hasn't wondered who exactly it is they married/partnered/parented.
It's all very raw at the moment but you're the rational one in all this and even though your brain's in a whirl it's necessary to get stuff done. Priority needs to be getting the finances locked down. No access to anything including the kids savings (if any) for him. Once you've done that, establish the true extent of the debt for yourself as already said. That needs to be an ongoing check to ensure no accounts are being opened behind you back further down the line. Once you've got the real picture there's time and space to see if he means what he says. You can't fix him. Only he can do that but you do have choices in deciding how much you put up with if he won't stop.
For now you can't trust a word he says without seeing independernt proof for yourself so don't. It's not stalking, it's self preservation and that comes first. It's very common for a CG to be eaten up with self pity and promises never to do it again. We fall for it because it's what we want to hear but it has to be backed with concrete action from them.
Finally take care of yourself. It's easy to get consumed by all this and to take on things he should be dealing with. Put yourself first. Read all you can about what you're up against and don't hesitate to get RL support if you need it.
Thank you all for your advice, it's good to hear from both sides of the coin. I will definitely take on board all that has been said. Some of it has been hard to hear, but you have in one way or another been affected by this horrible thing too and I trust your advice. Thank you.
I have been reading through the forums here which have been good, is there anywhere else I should read? Or any book that has particularly helped any of you? There sounds more to this than what I think...
I read everything I could find online including this forum. A lot of it will boil down to essentially the same advice. Don't look to try and understand why a CG does it. Very often they can't explain it themselves which is why attendance (he should be planning this as a regular and permanent fixture) at GA is so valuable putting them in the company of those who 'get it' in a way we never will.
I don't go to GamAnon but I believe they provide some literature. Others here go and will probably be able to fill you in on that better than I can.
Hi Sparkle, sorry to hear what has happen to you- quite similar to my experience and I found out a month or so ago. I still struggle every now and then to get my head round how he could have done this to us- Like you I have kids with him and it is beyond my reasonning that my inteligent OH would believe he could be the system and win by spending all our savings and how at no point in time did he think- I have taken from our savings, I should stop now rather than spend every penny we owed. It has nearly been a month since his last bet- I have taken full control of our finances and by us having a joined account I know what is going in and out of our account on a daily basis. A couple of suprises have poped up which he didn't tell me about because they are the last interim payment on a debt, but we have sat down together and put a budget together as to where we are with our finances and what we think we should be able to save on a monthly basis. he has a weekly sum to tick along the week but at the of the month he has told he would be giving me some back as he is trying to spend the least possible to put back in the pot - however small the donation, I have to be positive about wanting to contribute to the situation he has put us in. As per your words, he is saying all the right things for the time being and I would like to think that by having full control of our accounts he is unable to gamble again without me know. I may be gollible but I have to try and trust him again because when I think of all the lies that he has said for the last two years it breaks my heart. I spoke to my mum about who has been very good about it and has said to me this will either make or break us and I have to believe in the fact that it will make us because the other option at the moment is unthinkable. We try and talk every night for at least 15-20mins about things with no distractions- face to face about about us. I ask if he has had a good day or not and we he asks the same. I completely understand what you are going through as I am living it myself. We have to be strong and work with them to believe this will make us stronger. My other half like yours doesn't believe he needs help from anywhere. I don't want to push him but can only talk to him all the time and see how we go on from there. I wish you all the best and I hope that you will have some happy moment this Christmas through this difficult time.
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