Hello, I am new to this forum and would appreciate your support and advice, particularly from those of you who have found a way to overcome a gambling problem, or have supported someone else to. My husband is a clever, funny and loving man, who has suffered a lot of trauma in his life and struggles with himself and his emotions as a result. He is vulnerable to addictions and historically he has had some issues with alcohol, as he looks for ways to escape his pain when it becomes overwhelming.
Over the past couple of years, since our daughter was born, he has developed a gambling problem, resulting in losses of several thousands of pounds. It started when he was having some problems at work and quit his job; he got into online sports betting and initially made a profit, which allayed some of his anxiety about the financial consequences of leaving his job at the time. He is a big sports fan and has always spent a lot of time watching football and other sports and the betting became an extension of that. However, it quickly got out of control and he is still betting and losing money. Over the past couple of years, he has made efforts to stop gambling - been to GA meetings, handed over financial control to me, self-excluded from betting websites, and installed NetNanny on his phone and other devices in an effort to block any gambling related content. He has also attended therapy for over a year and started to address some of the underlying issues, but this is inevitably painful and he is very ambivalent. There have been brief periods when this has been effective and the gambling has stopped, but it seems that none of these barriers are effective for very long and he always finds another way - recently this has involved opening secret bank accounts, taking out pay day loans, and finding ways around the NetNanny blocks. He says he is going to stop, but I have heard this so many times before.
I am now feeling very scared, as the extent of lies and deceit that he has engaged in to enable the gambling has damaged our relationship and my ability to trust my husband. I care very deeply for him and I know that he does for me and our daughter; it hurts me to see him acting in ways that don't reflect this. I know that I cannot make him stop. I know that it is his responsibility. I know that I need to protect myself and our daughter. It feels really hard and confusing to support him and do what I need to do to protect myself and our daughter at the same time. How on earth do we find a way out of this?
You don't but he can.
You need to protect yourself and your daughter.
Start with the finances, securing everything in your own name that you can, use credit reports to help.
Once you have that under control you could advise your husband to do the same for himself and suggest he may want to share the whole, ugly truth with yourself.
His debt will be worse than you probably realise and possibly worse than he realises himself. there are some brilliant FREE advice sites out there and he would probably do well to check some out in regards finances but ultimately none of this matters if he is not ready to quit. he will find a way to gamble.
It's great you want to support him but you must not be an enabler. It will mean you have to be blunt, to the point, factual and resiliant, do not bail him out (unless it is the absolute last resort to prevent any impact on yourself or your daughter - seek advice before doing anything though)
My sister who could, for a short time, house me, cover the cost of a b&b or possible even have acted as a guarantor lent me a tent, told me I should be prepared for my wife to kick me out and that I would probably be sleeping rough, as a result of the choices I made.
It's probably the best support ive had in over twenty years of my gambling addiction. I've been bailed out at least twice before by my mum but I never really had the tough love. It's really hurt my sister that she had to go there but I will be eternally grateful that she did.
Thankfully there is professional help availble for you to, I'm sorry that you are in a place that you need to use it but you really do need to take control of you, for you and your daughter.
What happens to your husband as a result can be answered another day (and that doesn't have to be bad news but you also don't need to be offering any reassurance)
just my ramblings anyway! - best wishes
Morning,
Sorry to hear what's happening. The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. But trying to sort him out keeps the problem going and ultimately doesn't work, as you have found out. This is something that all f&f find out the hard way, you're not alone. But if you want your situation to change, it's time for you to do things differently.
Echo advice to (1) stop making allowances and buying into his excuses and (2) to refuse to bail out, directly or indirectly (i.e. by covering living costs whilst he gambles or pays his debts). Instead, move the focus over to you and think about what you need and deserve and whether you're getting it. Gambling involves lies, deceit, irresponsibility, emotional absence and remoteness, mood swings...so is he really clever, funny and loving? Because what he's done is none of those things. It's fair enough to save a toddler from himself, it's what mothers do but you're not his mother and he is an adult, supposedly an equal life partner. And that level of mothering normally reduces as the child matures.
On a practical level, separate your finances and protect yourself as best you can, don't leave cards or passwords lying about. You may need legal advice.
Your situation is scary. But fear is a warning that something's wrong and it's a warning to be heeded. You can't do it alone so the starting point is for you to get help for you. If his drinking is affecting your life, (how can it not if he has issues with alcohol?), you qualify for AlAnon. Also try GamAnon, call the Helpline, try counselling, educate yourself about addiction. But take help for you, for your sake.
CW
Hi Mortimer it's good that you're here, getting support, advice and a place to offload. As cw and cg have said, look after you. My husband was a sports online gambler. It escalates very quickly. I found best place for real life help is gamanon. I go and my husband goes to GA. This is a life long illness, addiction, addictive behaviour. We have to change. Take over all finance, no joint accounts. I also open the post. Get there first. Start by getting help for you, call gamcare. Good luck!
Thank you all for your comments and advice. It is somewhat scary to hear some of it, but I know that my priority has to be protecting myself and our daughter. I realise that there are ways that I have enabled this in the past and I am determined that I will not enable this any further. The things my husband has done have harmed us all and I am angry with him for that. He is a good man though and I love him, so I have to try and stand with him, as far as I can whilst protecting myself.
What is he suggesting he does to beef up the barriers?
Has he allowed you access to his credit reports (all three agencies, all available instantly and free)? Why can't he ditch the smartphone and get by with a noninternet enabled brick?
GA and/or counselling won't be effective if he's attending to please you or anyone else. He needs to want to stop and he needs to keep on wanting that more than he wants the next bet. Prioritise your own and your daughter's interests. All the time he's gambling and paying lipservice to the idea of giving up, you are the only one who will.
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