I have just found out my fiancé has a gambling problem. I found a letter from the bank saying his account was empty and therefore a direct debit payment was being declined. I decided as I already had my doubts to confront him. He still continued the lie telling me he had drawn all his money out and given it to a friend to look after as he was having difficulty saving. We had a massive argument because I wouldn't trust him and said I wanted evidence that he had drawn the money out. He accused me of being controlling and for not trusting him. He only told me because i said i was leaving him if he didn't show me proof of the money. We have had many arguments over the years about money as he has always been so secretive about money and there always seems to be an excuse. he would never let me see his online banking or his bank statements. We (or should I say I) have been saving to buy a house and when I would ask him how much he had saved he would tell me a amount but never show me or be willing to put the money into a joint account. I now know it was because he never had any money to put in. I am devastated. We have been together 13 years and have been engaged for 3. I don't know what to do I feel so let down and betrayed for the last 10 years all we have spoken about is buying a house getting married and starting a family now that all feels like a lie. He knew he wasn't saving towards a house or a wedding he got down on one knee knowing he was lying to me. I'm angry at him for that but part of me wants to stick by him and support him I'm just not sure if I can. I'm worried about our future together I'm concerned about getting a mortgage with a man that has a gambling addiction and what it means for our finances. I am also worried that he is still partly in denial. He has admitted to me he has a problem but has only told me and his parents he refuses to tell the rest of his family or friends. He says he doesn't want to go to GA as he is shy and hates being focus of attention and he feels his not that bad as he isn't in debt. He says that he will show me everything and give me his bank cards and that he will never lie or gamble again. He now wants to get a joint bank account which he said I can keep the card to. I really don't know how to move forward.
Hi... Welcome to the forum.
I am a compulsive gambler. One way to move forward is to leave. Support your fella as a friend if you really do feel the need to try and "save him", but other wise run for the hills. You have had lies and deceit for 13 years??... and you still want to stick by him?? Personally I don't understand it.
Sorry if this is a bit blunt, but please re-read your own post. There is nothing to suggest that your fiance is going to change. Remember actions speak louder than words.
I guess that getting some support from other partners in similar situations is the way forward. Am always amazed at what people are pre-pared to put up with.
All the best
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Hi t1nk. Welcome to the forum. This is a place for you to offload and learn about addiction, and compulsive gambling.
denial! That's what you get when you confront a gambler.
lies! About everything, causes conflict and deflects back to you. This hides what is really going on.
Excuses! Anything and everything to not get help. To stop a cg getting that escape, that self medication.
reality! You cannot stop a gambler gambling, you cannot help a gambler. You can only emotionally support a gambler who is willing to get help.Â
Learn to look after yourself, stop searching, looking for evidence. You know he's gambling. You can ask him to seek help, but don't do it for him. Ultimatums don't work. This is an emotional illness and any 'coping with stress' is done through gambling. You cannot fix him, only he can.
i would advise credit checks, Experian, clearscore, credit karma. Do yours, he should do his and show you. I wouldn't have a joint account, you really don't want to be connected financially. There are plenty of banks that have basic accounts that you can monitor in an app(monzo is one).
try and find a meeting, Gamanon is for friends and family. Go to the website and find a local meeting. There is online Sunday evening 8-9. You will learn so much. Talk to gamcare too, they offer counselling. This is a huge shock and it's not your fault.
I've learnt over the years that this is about us as much as them. Don't enter into the drama. Step back. Think about what you want. There is no overnight fix. If you don't deal with what is happening now, you will take it into the next relationship. 'Running for the hills' is about not facing what is happening to you. Why are we still here, why do we want to help, fix it?
don't ignore this, very few can 'recover' alone. Don't help with debt, that removes responsibility. Encourage, don't demand. He can sort his debt out, he can call the helpline, he can find a GA meeting. At meetings You don't have to speak you can just listen. 'I'm shy, I don't like being centre of attention ' are all excuses.Â
Its your decision to stay or leave. No one can tell you or control you. The same way you cannot control him. There are many resources out there. Get help and support. It will benefit you in the long run.
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