Alright people,
I'm like you, I may not gamble now, but not a day goes by without the struggle.. it's very real, and very hard.. Many people knew of my problems, and my efforts to fix it, but few understood why people gamble and get themselves into horrific situations. I decided to be open about ut so I wrote this on social media.. If any of you have loved ones or friends who are struggling to understand what you're going through, and you can't find the right words to explain, and you feel the following story resonates with you, then maybe you could ask them to read it.. maybe it will help.. maybe not..
Inside the mind of a gambling addict.
Two years ago I checked myself into a rehabilitation clinic for compulsive gambling. After 20 years of heavy betting, I finally gave in and admitted that I was powerless to beat my addiction without professional help so,with the support of my family I booked in and and on 26th October disappeared into rehab for 8 months and came out of the other side ready to start a new life..
For those of you that are going to read on I want to try and explain what it feels like to have an addiction, how it starts and and what happens in your head.
At first, gambling is a wonderful new experience, I'm not talking about a couple of pounds here and there, I'm talking about high risk gambling - bet after bet after bet, risk really means risk - heart pounding out of your chest, dragons in your stomach (no butterflies here mate) sweating, catching your breath. A whole new universe of adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin fuelled fun that you never want to end - time practically stops.. and this is all happening whilst in a dirty, grotty book makers full of old poor people and losers - but you're not a loser, you're not one of them you're in your magical place and you're unbeatable.
Gambling is generally viewed as a negative thing to do, but nearly everyone does it in one form or another, we are raised with it - chance, risk, the lottery, bingo, even putting a pound in the pool table and playing winner stays on. It is true, most people just dabble and live happy lives but for some, the rabbit hole goes much much deeper.
It starts off harmless, but after while it gets harder and harder to write off a loss - you find yourself frustrated that you placed the wrong bet, you knew the other horse or dog or whatever was going to win and you didn't back it.. could have been a grand up there! So you start chasing your losses, then, before you know it you've spent more than you should and Lady Luck starts to trespass into your life and stick her nose into places she shouldn't. You end up not going out to something previously arranged because you've reached too deep into your pocket that day, then, you're alone thinking about it, you go back to gambling to try and retrieve some of what you lost - there goes your wages.. Then your savings.. then you start borrowing money from trusting friends, family, exhausting credit cards, getting loans out because you know that at some point soon you gonna get it all back and then you can stop! But this is never the case. Then the lying starts, oh the lying is never ending, the stories start off simple - I had an unexpected bill, I needed to help a friend, I lost my wallet blah blah but over time, they get so elaborate and you have the will power and capability to blag anyone because the only thing that matters is getting back to your magical world, your universe of wonder. This becomes normality, and borrowing is just borrowing - no harm done, they will all get it back eventually and because this has become your normal life anything you do can easily be justified.
Over time the problem spirals but because you're in a dream world you don't see it, everything is fine in your head and because you have no patience, and no prudence there is no danger and as far as you're concerned you're just trying to win at life.
Things do catch up though, people catch up, but because you know you're clever and sharp and charming and one step ahead of the game you can always wangle your way out of any problem or confrontation - and there is a sense of pride in this, being able to twist and turn your tales and always be able to back track and remember which story was when and how it was related to who.. this is a real skill.
When things do finally collapse, when you have exhausted all possible means of obtaining money, and you've been fired from your 4th job in 6 months and you have people wanting their money back and friends and family no longer trust you and you're about to get evicted and your girlfriends dumped you, then you finally say you might have a bit of a problem. You get some help, go to Gamblers Anonymous.. things are ok for a few weeks. You get a new job, people have written off debts and someone gives you a roof.. you'r never going to gamble again... Then you get paid. And you relapse.. and you gamble10 times harder.. you start stealing, but you're never stealing your only borrowing (I need to be clear on this - no gambler ever steals, well they do but not in their head) and you have every intention of paying it back but you keep losing because your bets are ridiculous. And then you have nothing - only it's worse this time because you can't tell your family you've done it again.. how can you tell them you've thrown all the forgiveness and help back in their faces.. How the f**k are you going to get this money back that you took - from the safe at work, from housemates who gave you their rent? How the f**k does one clamber their way out of this HUGE f*****g mess....
That's when the self loathing starts, the guilt, the abyss of depression, the paranoia, the suicide thoughts.. the crying and the hiding and more guilt and self loathing and suicide thoughts.. And still wanting to gamble..
This was my life on repeat for 20 years and you know what? It exhausted me - nearly killed me and stole 2 decades of my life. However, going to Gordon Moody rehabilitation clinic was the only hand I had left and it was scary, and long. But dare I say, it worked (so far) - I haven't gambled since the 26th October 2015 and to think I ever will again scares the living s**t out of me.
Gambling is pure and utter evil - a horrible and misunderstood addiction that sucks the life out of normal everyday people and destroys their families and breaks their homes.
I'm lu cky, I had the unconditional love and support from my family who stood strong and tall by my side - for that I am eternally grateful.. without them I would be lost, or in a gutter, or dead - and I don't want to be any of those things..
If you read this then well done!
Oh - If you're worried about anyone gambling then hit me up and I will pass on any help I can..
Peace out people
Nice...Or not as the case has been for so many of us 🙁 Be very interested in a similar breakdown on your recovery journey Jonmon! Not much longevity on this site although I have to say a few people have dropped by over the last few days with good recovery under their belts which is promising.
Look forward to hearing more from you - ODAAT
Very well said Jonmon2580.
Thats the level of self discovery and extent to which a gambling addiction needs to be understood. You are spot on in that it is so ingrained within our society. You are also spot on in that I fooled myself that I was not one of the poor people or the losers.
Oh no not me....every time even when I had previously extinction gambled. I think the addiction developed new levels where it moved from action gambling to an escape gambling fix. It worked on me so that by the end I didnt really know why I was going to gamble. I know that stress and bad news became more of a trigger in later years although depression played a great part in my addiction since the beginning
"Gambling is pure and utter evil...a horrible and misunderstood addiction". I couldnt put it any better
Its an addiction that left me shellshocked because It took me a long while to even comprehend how much of an addict I was. In a crazy way I never thought I could get addicted to anything buts it clear that I had no control whatsoever.
I only remained with a roof over my head because my parents bailed me out. Otherwise I would have desperately searched for loans with no real means of paying them back and another bankruptcy would have been looming. I sometimes feel uneasy about people stealing to fund the habit but an addicts mind is simply "borrowing" to survive. I cant say that I wouldnt have stolen to "replace" the money and that is what is so scary thinking about the addiction with a clear head.
I am also dealing with thoughts that it may always be within me to some extent. I have it under control with no day to day urges but my blocks and monitoring remain strong. I would tend to use the present tense that I am a compulsive gambler even though I havent gambled since Dec 2015.
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
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