Hi i have joined Gamcare as i am so lost and have no one to really turn to.my family and friends have been a great support system but they have happy stable lives and partners that love and care for them enough not to take them for granted.
Here goes......i apologise now for how long this story is!
I met my partner (sadly now ex as he walked out on me for the 5th time this year this month blaming me for his depression) when I was 16 there was always an attraction but then we had our own lives and then when we were 23 I contacted him via social media as we'd lost touch and I'd always thought of him and was delighted when he replied.from then on that was it. I would love to say it was great and fun but sadly if we went anywhere it was only because i would suggest it and i had to pay cos he didnt have much money but as time went on the love grew and that to me was more important.he was a genuinely nice person and that is hard to find.from day one he lied about silly things and irrelevant things that he said when they came out were to impress me.but I forgave him and moved forward then I fell pregnant with my 1st child and rather than it be a happy time it was ruined by finding out he wasn't working when he said he was not giving me any money when he was working borrowing money from other people and lying - I had to face the embarrassment but I loved him so I made it work made him pay everyone back start being responsible.things were ok for a while then when my son was nearly 18 months old he told me he was leaving me demanded I give him money for gifts he had brought me otherwise he would take them and pawn them so i did as i was asked cos if i meant that little then he can have it.money has never been important to me love is what matters. i have a good job and because of how he is i had to get my own mortgage when i found out i was pregnant to make sure i was secure for my child so I'm very independent I never made him pay my mortgage(he was very strong on the fact it wasn't his house so he shouldn't have to pay 50/50.i didn't agree with this attitude but I thought if I pay my own then God forbid anything happened in the future I wouldn't have sell my house if we split)hand on heart can say I have stayed with him for 9 years cos I truly loved him even if it seems that I'm putting him down.
He came back after a day (he'd been down the pub with his mates spending that 300quid and got himself a hotel room) saying he was sorry he didn't mean it.he couldn't give me the money back he'd spent it but would make it up to me.i refused to let him stay.it took me nearly 3 months to agree to have him back but he had to get a proper job and he had to give me all his wages but petrol and for a while he did do that.he seemed genuine that his family was Important and he'd do anything.
Things carried on for the next 5 years he could be caring and we had some good days.i still felt I was missing out when I saw what my friends would be doing with their partners/families but I loved him and everyone would say (even now) he's a loveable rogue great guy everyone enjoys being around him.he would never suggest taking me anywhere or going on dates or just having family time but then I was happy being with out child as I worked all week.rare occasions he would want to do something and they were good to start but then as time went on he or me would pick at something then an argument would errupt and the day would be ruined.no real reason for it.but we'd move forward.
In 2017 I fell pregnant with child number 2.it was quicker than we thought as it was planned but he seemed happy but worried about money (child number 1 maternity I had to go back to work 5 days a week after 3 months as I couldn't afford to live on statutory maternity pay as he wasn't earning really.he stayed at home looking after the baby which I was grateful for)I was adamant that with him in a decent job I could be off at least 6 months to spend time with both kids something I missed out on previously.i found out the day before mother's day whilst cleaning under the bed all this debt management information -turns out he was in debt nearly 7 grand. I was shocked as I never took much off him he worked aswell as doing overtime and we didn't have an extravagant life far from it.i paid for all the baby bits needed so it didn't go towards that.i was angry I screamed and shouted threatened to kick him out and then I calmed down and agreed to work through it tell me where it went and he said he didnt know and thats was the same answer i got all the time I asked.
As soon as I went on maternity his mood really changed.he changed his work to nights to make it easier on childcare when I eventually went back to work and he also picked up day work whilst I was off (I never asked him to I wanted him to stay at home and spend time with me and the kids) so he was never at home and not much help with the kids.
I admit i nagged him about wanting to spend time with him and feeling alone and he would snap me call me names and say he was tired all the time.said I was smothering him.i was emotional anyway having had a baby but I cried alot about how he was being.i was trying to put it down to hormones.
January this year is when the problems really started he had been on at me nearly every day since november after having a baby to get a loan out so that he could clear his debts and start saving for a mortgage together and do more things as a family.i had a bit of debt myself so eventually I wore down and said ok but I'm trusting you to pay your half every month.i gave him 10 grand which i said must pay off the remaining debt he had and towards a new car he needed for work.he seemed to get happier he appreciated that I helped him and I hoped this would be a turning point he wouldn't work so much.or so I thought. He continued to this day to work day and night and was still never around.when he was he was asleep.
In March he went to look at a car I helped him find on the internet which i knew he could afford as i thought with his credit rating he could not get finance (he defaulted on finance in 2014 and had his car repossessed but lied and told me it blew up I found out this before mother day aswell) with his brother and he said he put 2k on finance to boost his credit rating and the rest he paid from the loan he went into detail about the payments and the term time to me and my family and I believed him.thought he was doing a good thing thinking about the future.
Throughout the year he still seemed moody and would walk out on me and the kids for a week here and there until I begged him to come back.i asked countless times for him to talk to me but he just clammed up said it was due to being tired and not earning enough (his wages were comfortable for us I have never been high maintenance if i want something I will pay for it myself) he just was so depressed and I couldn't understand why when he had everything a roof over his head money from 2 jobs by now I was working from home on maternity so getting abit more than statutory so it should not of been money troubles 2 kids and a partner that he knows loves him.he missed alot of family things due to work and I was alone alot which i do resent now.
Last month he was really aggressive and had told me he didn't get paid from his night job so couldn't give me any money (I found this hard to believe it's a good company they wouldn't not pay their staff) and after speaking to my sister I decided to check his clearscore (he knew I had access to it but chose not to look at it as a way of trust) and found he got a 7k loan out in April, £500 payday loan in June, 9k in July with a guarantor and then another 500 in September! I could not understand why he would need all this money when I gave him 10k in January and he's been working day and night practically 5/6 days a week.he didn't have anything to show for it.no flashy items.me and the kids never saw a penny of that money.i had to use the monthly money he gave me of 600 to put towards childcare and bills and daily living.i was devastated I felt my whole world collapse.instead of shouting I sent him screenshots of what I had seen and just sent a message saying now I understand. The abuse I got back was mental.he made me feel like I had done something wrong.there was no apology no answers.so he left again.and again i asked him to talk to me i didnt show anger towards him just hurt that he had done this behind my back.he agreed to sit down with me and he said it spiralled out of control the car needed fixing and then he got a loan to pay that one and so on.he said the guarantor loan was split with the guarantor (a guy at work) which i believed as I thought surely if a family member wouldn't be a guarantor why would a work mate put that trust in him. So although strained we tried to sort it out.i told him about stepchange and he promised to clear it as quick as possible. I really wanted it to work our baby was going to be one and I didn't want to give up on him (whenever we rowed I would always say to him in not giving up on you i love you too much). He didn't buy anything for his sons birthday he was quiet the whole day and ignored me the next day so I decided to check his email.i found an email from the week before from a loan company acknowledging that he had changed his email address and to send all future correspondence there.i was shocked!he knew I knew everything and agreed we need to be open and tell me everything so why would he need to change his email.i texted him as I was at work and asked him why he did it and he called me names and said he was done with me.he couldn't live in a prison.so he left again.no apology nothing.
I felt so worthless how can someone i love so much treat me so bad so I helped pack his stuff and I found more loan information aswell as bank statements seeing how much money he was taking out the bank on a daily basis and then getting loans.me and the kids never saw any of it.i was devastated. In less than 8 months he had managed to rack up nearly 50k in debt with interest not including the loan I got him.he lied about who his guarantor was as it was a different name on the letter so I can only assume that was all for him not split.i was so angry that I blocked him and he's still blocked.he hasn't bothered with the kids.he rung our oldest last night on house phone but didnt bother tonight.hes living in his car.hes adamant he is not a gambler.its not drugs he gets drug tested at his job.he still maintains its a loan to pay that loan and so on.hes not sorry he's not realised anything.
I'm trying to find some understanding cos as stupid as it is I still love him (god knows why) and want to believe he's a good person and dont want to imagine my future without him but no good person would have all that money and not spend it on his family if he wasn't a gambler.i believed all his lies.
My family are trying to be there to support me helping with the kids while I work but I just sound like a broken record to them with 'what did I do so wrong 'why me' I've stopped him seeing the kids in the hope it may wake him up to his problem and admit hes a gambler and seek help.im doing it for him.hes adamant we are over which i am sad about as all I do is look online for some kind of answers so this is why I am here.
I know il get alot of comments to forget him he's not worth it even his own family are disgusted with him but right now I just cant.i wanted my kids to have that family everyone else has.i get questions from my oldest child which i can't answer and he says its my fault his dad is not here I don't love him which i understand he's confused.
I'm reaching out for some kind of answers help anything to help me get through this.im trying to keep it together at work and at home but it is hard when I am so confused.
Thanks x
Hello mum2boys,
Well done for joining the forum and telling your story.
Here on the forum, our members will try to help you to improve your life by changing what you can change, which is you. You do have control over your choices, and responsibility for your own choices. You cannot control another adult. This can be difficult to come to terms with, when you are attached to someone who is behaving destructively, as understandably you might like to be able to change him for the better, but the reality is that he has his recovery and you have yours, only he can choose recovery for himself, only you can do your recovery.
There is a lot of free support available though, for example GamCare offers free therapy sessions for partners. You can call us on 0808 8020 133 if you'd like to book a free appointment locally, or by telephone, or online by videolink. Many people find it a huge relief to be able to talk freely and confidentially to a qualified therapist who will listen with empathy and understanding. You might also be interested in GamAnon, which is a grass-roots fellowship based on the 12 steps, which allows you to listen to others who share their personal experience of recovery from the perspective of someone in relationship with an addicted person.
Take care,
Forum admin.
Hi mum2boys. How sad to read your story. It sounds like he has been gambling for many years. You've unfortunately been the one paying for everything and not realising what he was hiding. It's progressive and so the gambling takes over their every waking moment and the debt just gets bigger and bigger. Their brains are scrambled, their mood terrible. He's got no reason to stop because you've paid for everything and then handed him 10k. This isn't a normal way to live. Can you get to a meeting? There is online gamanon meeting Sunday nights. Call gamcare talk to someone, get support for you. You need to learn how not to ignore his destructive behaviour, stop blaming yourself and get strong.
Thank you so much for commenting merry go round. I saw there is an online chat on Sundays which il definately be logging on for.its just sad to know I have been so naive not to see and I feel by helping him this year I have enabled him somehow as its worse than ever before yet he still refuses to admit it's gambling.if he didn't want to salvage anything with me he could at least wake up for his kids.
When they are consumed by addiction they see nothing. It's a habit, a place to go to hide. It's no reflection on you, you only realise when it's too late. We have all been deceived, it's what you do about it now that counts. Yes you have enabled him which you thought was helping. But now you know you can stop doing that. Never give a gambler money, don't pay debts, safeguard your finances, small simple things. Don't be manipulated by bad behaviour. ive done all these things, but I've learnt not to. It's no overnight fix, it takes a long time to recover. We have to recover too, not just the gambler. Lying comes hand in hand with the gambling, empty promises. The only person you can rely on is yourself. It doesn't matter how much I love my husband I can't make him well, only he can do that.
I feel despartely sorry for you Mum2boys and hope you get the support you need.
My only comment would be that I don't think stopping him seeing the kids will be good for you or your children and has the danger of being counter productive.
Please don't take this as a critiscm.
I'll be honest I don't have gambling advice as he's the gambler and he's not the one that has come here.
I don't even have my own life in order but I'm going to give you life advice. He's dragging you down.. he's hindering your progression and holding you back and 10k is a big dent in your pocket. I'd say today's 'normal' family is broke, tell the kids the truth or be strong enough to ignore them if they think it's your fault because you know better.
You sound like you have a good job so financial you seem sound, you sound like you also harbour some resentment as aren't happy with your partner too, so maybe you should stop wasting time, energy and money on him and you'll be happier and have more in my opinion. Still being there waiting for him won't make him change, moving forward without him might..
Just my opinion, I get that you care and he's the father of your children but come on.. you can't see it because you're in it but from the outside looking in, what you're doing is crazy and that's coming from a gambling addict who gives most his money to betting companies.
Hope you make what I feel is the right decision. Hell, get a new man that takes you out, you deserve it.
Thanks for your comments I appreciate people taking the time to respond to me I totally agree I am crazy for still holding on to a glimpse of hope that things could change.i do resent him due to what i feel is the selfish way he continues to behave and still deny the problem saying it just got out of control and he can go into our local co-op shop and spend 30quid on things when I've seen bank statements from before June which show hundred of pounds being taken out cash machines and I know for a fact nothing to show for it not even to his person ie clothes jewellery car modifications etc let alone to his children.i am not stopping him seeing them to be bitter or to attack him I'm trying to make him see and get help because if he can discard them as not important when he did see them and live with them what difference is it now if i continued to let him see them.he didn't send the oldest to school last Friday because he said he was crying and upset about the situation (I asked my child when I got home from work and he said he wasn't upset and he didn't go to school because daddy said he would be late for work) so instead of spending the day reassuring my son which he said he was doing even when I told him I did not consent to him not being in school he dumped them round his mother's for 6 hours while he came to my house (he was having the kids at mine as he has nowhere to have them) and sat here till he picked them up doing god knows what. He was not working days that day to have the children. It would be easy if he helped me as now I am relying on family to help pick them up from nursery and school till I get home from work to make things easier on me financially (he had to help out here cos of me working)but I can't expect people to uproot their life for me I don't want them to it's not their problems.
I feel maybe I should take some blame for how we have been living as I have chosen to not leave my kids with people so we can have time together when neither of us are working and I co sleep with the baby and before him the oldest child so maybe I could of made more time for him one on one but I tried with suggesting family stuff to still keep that bond but he chose to work or to sleep.
It's just a sad situation I feel I cannot see a solution but I agree it's not my problem to fix him or change him that's his. Hence why I'm here and not droning on to my family as it just makes them more angry for my situation which don't help me. I know the sensible thing to do would be to move on forget about him find someone else eventually but I don't feel I want to which i know sounds crazy. Why can't he want to be the person to treat me how I deserve.
50k in 6 months? he is a gambling addict and as such he has all the traits. Gambling has turned your partner into a compulsive liar who will be sly, devious and deceiful as long as they can gain access to money to feed their habit. Changing his email address, hiding loan info and taking out sly loans are hallmarks of a gambling addict. In order to hide his secret his lies become more idiotic, £50k in 6 months to fix his car and pay another loan, he could have bought a ferrari.
Sadly for both of you, he is in complete denial and will not accept he has a problem, that means there is absolutely no chance of him beating this addiction. Even those of us who desperately want to beat this addiction and admit we have a problem, cannot do it on willpower alone. It is well known here that a problem gambler must hand over all finances to a trusted person and be open and honest at all times.
None of this is your fault and Merry go Round has given you excellent advice, which I will repeat, Never Ever give a gambler money. I am an ex gambler, it almost destroyed me and my loved ones, not just financially but mentally. I gave up all my interests and hobbies, stopped socialising with friends and always gambled alone, probably due to shame. I earn very good money but looked like a b*m as I never spent money on normal everyday things. I would resent going out for a meal or the cinema etc due to the cost but would blow £1000 on a roulette machine in a bookies in an hour. I wanted to give you a little insight into how a gamblers mind works. I suspect your partner has been gambling on something similar to blow that amount in 6 months, maybe online casinos.
If you need any advice from my side as a gambler please ask and remember if he is in denial then he is not going to quit.
Instead of telling your story back to and telling you he's a gambling addict and it's not your fault (because I feel that's obvious) I'm reiterate my point.
Move forward, not back. He is who he is and to staying with him hasn't helped before so try doing you and getting on with your life without him.
Get what you think you deserve
In one sense it’s irrelevant whether you stay or go. At the moment, would you know know how to relate to a decent man who treats you well? All you know is your unconditional so-called love that isn’t enough for him (all very dramatic)...but it meets some need in you. So if you do go, next time will be worse. And these are the habits and patterns of behaviour that you both are showing the next generation.
This crisis could motivate you to change you if you are willing. You can’t change him, you’ve spent nine years trying and it’s led you to where you are now. Move the focus over to you. What is it in you that’s prepared to unconditionally tolerate his behaviour? Why is it good enough for you? What makes you gravitate towards an active addict who is too busy using to be there for you? What keeps you hanging on?
Leaving (and coming back) isn’t a tool for manipulating him into giving up the gambling. That’s just about drama and avoids a real connection, it doesn’t affect whether or not he gambles. If you decide to go (or to stay), do it because you value yourself enough to decide what you stand for, to decide what your values are, to decide what’s right and wrong, comfortable and uncomfortable for you. Make your decision about your relationship from a position of strength and self awareness.
In the meantime, protect yourself financially and look for GamAnon and CoDA meetings.
CW
Jamoo, was that first sentence directed at me, what may be obvious to you is not to everyone else. Many partners of various addicts DO think they are at fault and must have done something wrong. I only told a small part of my story to help Mum2boys understand what being with a gambler is really like and the reality of her situation.
She is clearly torn about what to do and giving advice from both sides of the fence will hopefully help.
That was an excellent response cynical wife, couldn't of said it better myself.
It was directed at everyone who commented before me, I didn't think those comments were useful, just my opinion though. Don't let my opinion stop you from trying to help, we're all trying to help, but we're all different.
Cynical wife's comment also made me think that although mom2boys isn't here as a gambling addict maybe there's some other underlying problem she possesses because she's stuck in what seems to be a dead relationship that isn't benefitting anyone yet refuses to walk away from it, it's toxic.
Please mom2boys try step back and look at the situation.
'Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it's not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can GET HIT and keep moving forward how much you can take and keep moving forward. THAT'S HOW WINNING IS DONE!' - rocky Balboa
All very valid points which i do take on board and thank you.i havent chosen to stay for the kids but for me because deep down I believe he's a good person who in his own way made me feel.he cared at times but his whole personality has changed dramatically in the last year or 2 to make me question everything so in turn I am looking at focusing on myself now.i have read alot about gambling addiction since last week something I never dreamt of doing before as it was never this bad and previous times have been excusable debts to a degree where it was easy believing them but now harder to ignore clearly.i see alot of relationship have survived this and become stronger I had maybe hoped that could be the case for me but sadly he's denial and belief that he is not a gambler has made him more angry and more determined to be alone.i hope for my kids he sorts himself out but in the meantime I have no choice my end but to let him to continue doing what he is doing.
I do appreciate people's opinions I mean that
It breaks me down reading your story... I hope he gets back to his senses... But to me it sounds like a person that has been a gambler for a long time, maybe even before you got married.. Because you mentioned lying about silly and irrelevant thing from day one to impress you. That's a characcteristic of a gambler, we tend to be compulsive liers too.. We are all different. See I havent been a gambler my whole life.. I gambled for 3 months and lost everything I had and then I stopped. Its been a very long time since then, but I will never forget how it made me feel. Gambling changes how one's brain operates, I think its something I will definetely remembeer.. I have no urges to gamble anymore and would like to support anyone who is going through it. You havent done anything wrong, you have been to nice to him that he has taken you for granted. He has some underlying issues maybe, but we as men dont open up so easily.. I hope you can have a proper talk and sort things out. best of luck, and please keep iin touch and keep us updated
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