You’re stuck in your belief that he’s a good person who loves you really in his own way. He may indeed love you in his own way, based on the life lessons that he’s learnt. But it’s not the point. The point is what makes you think that brand of love is right for you?
Look at his behaviour, look at what he’s actually doing (lying, manipulating you, selfishly using and jeopardising you) and ask yourself the hard question: are the positives in your relationship (apart from the drama) real, or are you imagining what he could be like once you’ve fixed him and brought out the good in him somewhere? Because that’s the nub of your problem: the belief that you have to sort him, when you haven’t really sorted yourself. He’s an adult, not at toddler, he chooses and lives by his own values. But are they compatible with yours? Is a man who behaves this way better than no one and if so, why?
We find that there is an addiction and a person, the addiction takes over the person (particularly when active) and at different times it’s almost all addiction and at other times there are flashes of the person. I’d warn you not to try to have a sensible rational conversation with an addiction because the addiction can’t hear you. No one is all good or all bad but we’re all humanly and humanely imperfect.
Look for GamAnon and CoDA meetings. Change starts with you.
CW
Hi, Mum2boys. You're right to focus on yourself and the kids. Gambling addiction is progressive and the only certainty is that his situation will continue to get worse if he doesn't seek help. He has to admit he has a problem and seek that help. All you can do is tell him that you'll be there if he takes that first step and is willing to be completely open and honest. I gambled for 15 years and only made progress in my life when I admitted everything for the first time to my loved ones. I haven't gambled for almost five years. A big part of my recovery is down to having complete financial transparency with my wife and on-going support from GA.
It's 50K now but it will get worse if he doesn't stop. You need to protect yourself and your boys.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
