Back to the beginning

I have been posting here since I lost a huge amount to the tune of £57k last year and I had a relapse earlier this year. I thought that was my rock bottom and it sure was as I had stopped gambling for a while (4 months)  but somehow the addiction has taken all control again over me since August this year. 

it started when I was given money by my parents £5000 because they know how much I had really struggled last year and they know I have debt payments. They thought my struggle with gambling was over and just wanted to help me so I can book a nice holiday. I somehow lost that around August time, yet again. Then that really enraged me. Again my parents sent me another £2k - this time I used the money and did go on a nice holiday. I decided when I got back I’m not going to let them take my parents money and wanted to win it back. The original £5k they sent. So I slowly tried to win this back bit by bit and I though if I could win at least £100 per day, I could make this back in 2 months. So sure I did, I started playing roulette again and this is my only poison and played a system that worked for me in the past. I convinced myself that if I just stop at £100 profit with this system this is it. And sure it did work, for a whole 2 months - I made up to the 12th of October £6700. I haven’t lost in  a single day since August just really sticking to this system - £100 profit a day. Not one day was a loss. But come October 12th somehow - it just went all bad- I made a mistake not sure what happened- deposit £1000, deposit; £2000, deposit another, I am in a chase mode now. I cannot let them take away all the profits I worked hard for 2 months. £6700 down the drain it’s all gone. Then the Casino blocked my account. I was so upset and depressed and had nothing left not even for food for the rest of the month. I had to turn to my parents to again help me out for the rest of the month- another £500 they sent - then that got lost. I was no longer using my system I was staking larger bets to win the £6700 back quick. I then told myself this is it- I cannot do this anymore. Somehow I managed to make it all through payday- but this time soon as payday came, I have lost all my wages and worse- my debt payment has still yet to come out. This has now left me very suicidal- why could not I have stopped on October 12 when I won £6700 already? I got the £5k goal I had and was even up from my so called goal.  You know why- because in my mind I kept calculating that it will just take me 2 years actually if I do this system- I will get all the £57k back. How delusional was I. I’m never going to get that money back, I have made things worse. Today my parents sent my debt payment money and said that if I had gambled that they would never forgive me and this is the last time they are helping me. My partner knows about the initial loss last year so I opened up to him again and told him about my relapse. He initially told me that he is never going to forgive me and this was the end and I had to move out the house. He made me promise last time but I broke that promise and this time there was no second chance. By next morning, he had given me another chance. I told him I will now be relinquishing financial control. So all my wages every month will now go to him. My dept payment has been made this morning and I have £67 left to my name. I am thankful I am surrounded by people who love and care for me and this could have turned out really bad. The shame and guilt is eating me up everyday. My partner will cover the bills this month, and food and next payday- I will no longer control any of my money. I have now only been gamble free for 3 days yet I feel so free. I ask myself why did I even gamble? I do wake up with a demon telling me, we’ll you did it once every day profit £100 a day, you can do it again. Why not try £20 a day this time profit everyday- sure thing it will just take 9 years but you will make everything back. Just £20 a day. But I am not listening to that demon anymore. Somehow- I think I just cannot accept the loss. I want every single penny I lost back and that’s why I keep having this thoughts. Relinquishing financial control- this time I feel it’s going to be different. Having no money to gamble- this must be the answer. I just feel so depressed, I haven’t left the house since 12th October or made any plans. I am just in a very depressive state. My current coping mechanism is I don’t deserve this people who care and love me. All I have done is let them down. I failed my parents and I am a degenerate loser gambler. I then burst into tears when I think about this. I’m a good person so I don’t understand why this happened to me. Im now convincing myself Im no longer going to leave the house, so nice things. I consider myself being in prison - and that this is my punishment. If people can survive prison for 10, 20 years then I can. This will be my prison. Once my debt is paid in 9 years time- then I will be free again. That’s when I get my life back.