Blown my wage again!

Hi Jacky,

How are you doing today?

I’m not a gambler but my boyfriend of six years is one month into his recovery.

We’ve been living together just over three years and for the last six months or so I knew something wasn’t right with him.

These are just some of the things I noticed:

• he never had any money but would still buy things like holidays etc. Now I know he was getting it from payday loans/credit cards as he gambled all his wages every month (he then started using the loans and cards to gamble too)
• he was constantly checking his phone and was very irritable if he couldn’t get an internet connection. Now I know he was constantly checking his bets.
• he almost got physical with me when I picked up his wallet once which was absolutely not like him. Now I know it was because he was hiding credit cards from me
• He started coming to bed at about 3am when he had work at 6am and would never spend any time with me. Now I know it’s because he was staying up to gamble.

I knew something was wrong, and chances are your boyfriend does too.

I didn’t suspect gambling at first but then one day when he was out I decided to check his old phone. I found about 10 texts from payday loan companies and many others from credit card companies and betting sites and it all clicked into place. This can’t be hidden forever.

I confronted him a month ago. He broke down and told me everything, how scared he was feeling about the debt and how alone and isolated this terrible addiction has made him feel. This has been plaguing him for about 3 years but had only very recently spiralled out of control.

It’s an illness, just like any other and both you and your boyfriend need to always remember that.

We have stayed together. Have made a plan to sort out the debt and to block him from all sites. Like you he was online gambling - we’ve registered with Gamstop, he’s got a software called gamban on his phone and pc and I check his bank statements weekly and have control of all our finances. he’s a changed man and our relationship is better than ever, however he knows this is his one and only chance to kick this.

Sure the trust still isn’t there (and won’t be for a long time to come) but he earns a bit back every time he does something like shows me a receipt for what he’s bought that day etc.

It’s very difficult but a relationship can survive. I don’t know your boyfriend but chances are he’ll be much more understanding than you think. I’m so glad I found out when I did, because I was days away from leaving my boyfriend because of his behaviour.

Ultimately though Jacky, you need to do this for you, not just your relationship. I’ve seen the devastation this causes (both through my boyfriend and from reading on here). This will be a new start for you and I wish you the best of luck.

Kat xx

Hi everyone, it's amazing to hear all your messages of support and stories, just hearing them makes me feel not alone and less of a total loser. I have managed to install GAMSTOP, a positive step which I wished I had taken years ago. I still need to tell my boyfriend, I owe him £600 which he was expecting back last week, unfortunately I haven't seen him as yet as I worked a night shift last night and he wasn't home when I left. I'm truly scared of his response and I am contemplating telling him a lie, e.g. I lent my daughter the money for a crisis she is having. I would be able to pay him back at the end of the month as I have three jobs and have worked extra over the xmas period. Then I get to thinking that would be wrong, he's a good man, but my habit has infringed on our lives and put a strain on our relationship, I'm scared it would end it, would one more lie really hurt after the millions I have already told? .

Kat your amazing for supporting your partner, it must be such a relief to have it all in the open and have a game plan in place. I'm so pleased to hear that things are improving and hope dearly that your trust will one day be fully restored. I would love to hear how you both get on.

Lil30, Jackiek, Caseyjay, it's great to hear from you,, let's support each other and try beat this, no not try, but actually really beat this, I'm sure we can all do this. It's hard, but I'm guessing life can not get any worse then the day we last gambled it can only get better if we stay positive. Mccawpa I will be looking into a account with the bank you mentioned. Today I'm skint, but feel pretty good and feel I have taken the very first steps to a better life, thank you everyone x

Having been on the receiving end of unending lies and manipulation I would say please don't add to it.

That feeling of being taken for a mug is one of the worst aspects for f&f when it all comes to light. I actually asked Mr L if pulling the wool over my eyes made him feel clever. Apparently it didn't but how would I know that when he did it time and again?

Lies and deceit are exhausting. Honesty and transparency is the way forward in this.

Hi Lethe, thank you for your comments. Obviously your 100% right, and believe me I want to, I'm just scared. It's terrible living a lie, I get absolutely no enjoyment out of it and it makes me feel dreadful. I think ultimately I will tell him, just need the right moment and courage to do it. I hope you and your partner get through it and have the life you deserve.

Hi Jacky
Well done on coming here and starting to fight you're addiction...
You're posts struck a cord with me.....the fear of telling you're partner. ...I remember it sooooo well love.....part of that fear is maybe you're addiction talking....trying to remain a sordid secret.....clinging on to keeping it quiet....makes it easier to tempt you back.....I know it's easy for me to say ....but telling him is a must.....have you spoke to the helpline....arranged for the free counselling ?
Both helped me ....
I don't tend to be on here much knowadays.....in my early days...I was here 24/7....It was my safe place.....I spoke to creditors and offered what I could afford to repay.....I told them I was a gambling addict facing up to my problem....and after a while...they all accepted what I had offered...
This was done before hubby knew about my addiction...and for me....it was important to feel I was trying to put things right....
Just keep posting and reading love.....my diary may help you...it's probally buried on here somewhere.....I hope you find the strength to tell you're partner ....xx

Hi again

There's always going to be an excuse not to do it. I can appreciate the anticipation of coming clean and the fallout to follow is hard but beating this will mean stepping out of the comfort zone. I can't think of many if anyone here who has regretted finally plucking up the courage to do it. Mostly they seem to regret not doing it before things got so bad. Bear in mind once you've done it it's another barrier to gambling. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. Bear in mind too you're not the only one living a lie. He is too. The only difference is he doesn't know.

Mr L has just (as far as I can tell) passed the five year mark so things have improved a lot although he's never going to be fully trusted with the bank accounts again.There are lots of success stories right here (Loxxie being one) and in GA. It can absolutely be done but it starts with honesty.

Please don't lie! Well done on trying to put things right. Open and honesty is the best policy 100%. Good luck

Hi Jacky,

Thank you, your comment means more than you could ever know! I hope you beat this, I truly do. Good luck with telling your partner, I hope it all goes well. Just keep reminding yourself that this is an addiction and it’s absolutely not your fault that this has happened to you.

Kat x

Hi everyone, low day today, notifications from bank for unpaid direct debits, my own fault I know. Nearly told my boyfriend then bottled it. Spent the day thinking how stupid I've been and how I'm going to get through the month. Everyone at work have noticed how stressed I am. This is certainly no way to live, it's a miserable existence, but in a way I feel you have to reach the very bottom before you can start crawling back up. I hope everyone else is doing well.

Hi Jackie, I know those days only too well - but we can handle this. The unpaid direct debits will be all sorted in time, just take each day, one step at a time. We can do this x

Thanks Lil30, I know I can do it, the real test will be pay day, but I'm determined. The only good thing about being skint is you can't gamble, oh and you get more done, I have wasted so much time staring at a screen while I lose money. I'm taking on extra cleaning jobs this month so I can buy essentials. I'm out of the house most of the day. I keep telling myself if I can beat this then maybe I could have more time for myself. I was also thinking I need to find a new hobbie or outlet to fill my time, anything that doesn't involve throwing hundreds of pounds down the drain would be good. Hope your bearing up and doing well? X

I know what you mean about pay day, I'm scraping together rent money now and have to stop myself from the 'what if' scenario of a tenner here and there! I throw myself into work, which helps, and walking! Just signed up for a long sponsored walk, hopefully that will keep me busy... have a plan for some treats once I'm back on my feet.

Hi everyone, took my dogs out for a long walk in woods and contemplating hanging myself from a tree with dog lead, didn't have the courage to do it. Have told my partner everything, he sort of knew. He was angry but does understand, also told my daughter and best friend, so there you go, no more secrets, feel s**t but relieved at the same time.

Hi Jacky,

Well done for taking such a brave step. This will really now help with your recovery. Gambling feeds off secrets and this has now put an end to that.

It’s great that your partner understands. You will need his support.

Thank you Rupidoda, no more secrets, I guess that's the hardest part over, I have cried on and off all day, but I did it, surely can't get any worse now, at least I hope so. Shown him this thread and GAMSTOP so hopefully he's reassured on that level. The only way is up from now, and I'm going to work my a**e off to get out of debt. I tell you what these gambling sites have a lot to answer to, how they live with themselves, I don't know.