Came Clean

So tonight I have finally come clean to my wife and my parents. Looking through recent posts on here I found it a struggle to  directly pin point any obvious posts regarding people coming clean about their addiction without physically going into each post and reading through so, firstly I wanted to write this with an obvious header in case other people wanted a quick go to post to try and help off other experiences  and most importantly I wanted to write down everything to see if it helped.

To say that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do is a HUGE understatement. Tears, guilt ridden, scared are some of the many feelings I had during opening up. The feeling before I actually delivered my admission was nothing I have ever felt before I never want to feel that ever again either. I felt sick to my stomach to the point I was nearly having a panic attack. Knowing what I was about to deliver was going to shatter the hearts of the people I hold dearest to me and the same they feel for me too. Wether they do now or not is a different story. I imagine my parents do/will, however my wife not so much but I will work towards that. Feelings are still very raw and understandably so. I felt they needed to know and the respect they unreservedly deserve morally forced me into opening up. 

the initial admission didn’t go how I planned it to be. I’m a nervous person underneath so this situation sent me right to the brink and I said it all in a dither and panic but it was said and that was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do so far in my life. To pluck up the courage to even do that takes a lot out of you and really pushes you to the end of the earth and back but I done it. It’s out there now, it has to be dealt with.

some posts Iv read in the past, many people describe a sense of relief and weight lifted off their shoulders but for me it hasn’t felt that way yet in fact I feel ten times worse in the fact Iv had confirmation of what I expected my loved ones feelings to be and their reaction. It hurt to physically see and hear those reactions and made the guilt 100 times worse. They didn’t guilt trip me or shame me in the way I may portray them to of, but the fact it’s physically right there in front of you and around you really really hurts. 

it’s now not about the money Iv lost through gambling, now that Iv come clean, it’s the loss of trust people had in me, it’s the potential breakdown of relationships, the disappointment you see in your loved ones faces and voices that you really start to really regret what you have done. That’s what your gambling with. Initially I found when gambling, it’s the fear of being caught, it’s the fear of being in debt, it’s the fear of the arguing that could come your way I was more afraid of but now this is all out in the open it’s much much more than that. It’s predominately the fear of throwing everything you have down the drain and losing loved ones or losing those precious moments of  watching your young children grow up every single minute of the day and importantly the fear of breaking your loved ones hearts when you really didn’t set out intentionally to do. 

I don’t know what the future really holds for me right now but I know I’m fearing the worse and expecting it however once I set my mind to something I will see it through so I will beat this and get rid of my debt eventually but if i retain the faith and love from my family is another thing..that too me will be the biggest win of all. The fear of the unknown is what your betting against. Not a football match result, not the next spin on a slot machine. Your risking not just money, but your life on everything you have that isn’t of any monetary value, things that money can’t buy in life. 

it has been a huge but hard step to go through that tonight and I’m sure I’ll have many more days, weeks,months of repairing the damage Iv done but that’s the first nail in my addictions coffin. 

Please, if your struggling with gambling and it’s getting too much. Get help, get it fast and rip off that plaster sooner than you need to because the longer it goes on and you try to convince yourself it will be alright, it won’t be, it will get worse! It will take you places your darkest dreams could never take you to. 

I apologise that this post doesn’t really have any context or any form of structure but I’m literally just typing this all out as it comes into my mind whilst I sit quietly processing what I have just done to my family and close loved ones whilst my 2 little ones are fast asleep completely oblivious to how much of a let down their father is to everyone. 

if anyone has even read this post all the way through without giving up half way then thank you. I’d like to draw on other peoples experiences past or present on coming clean and also any experiences on how far they have come and what was in store for them along the way because at this moment in time I’m scared, scared of what lies ahead in what feels a very long road that isn’t lit up. 

im not mentally unstable to the point where I feel I need to do something stupid, yes I’m full of guilt and self pity however I’m just scared of the future and what it may bring so if I could draw on peoples experiences that may help in some way. 

appreciate your time in reading my post.

I’ll end the post saying this. Don’t make a deal with the devil and sign your life over by gambling. Your life is worth more than a quick win on a gambling event. Get help as soon as you can, before you start drowning, because the ocean is very deep so start swimming before your drown. 

Thanks again

G