Hi My Name is Darren i'm 43 and I'm a compulsive gambler.
Hi, I am a past GA attendee at Carlisle and Blackpool (No meetings within 80 miles from where i live). On 28th December 2016 my whole world fell apart yet again when my wife found numerous things on my phone that I was gambling again for the 3rd time round and i was kicked out of the family home i shared with my wife and our 2 son's.
I knew that morning when I couldn't find my phone after a night out I was I was in trouble or should I say relieved that I had been found out yet again. She found a bet on my phone to a person I knew that accepted bets and also after further scrutiny of my phone found out that I had an account with ***** ! When she questioned me i was very defensive at first like all gamblers are, I then confessed to everything regards the gambling as I had done my fill with all the lies and deceit in this period like in the previous occasions and felt a huge weight lifted off me that I had been found out. This is where us gamblers think we are the best (lies and deceit) as I opened an account using my dad's name and bank account details, as I was at the time sorting his finances out for him, yeah good coming from a compulsive gambler I know, i began to deposit small amounts in the first place to place bets. I was soon increasing stakes and depositing money more regular as the gambling gripped me again. Can I just say my dad knew I was doing this but I lied to him as well that it was little amounts n not often !! Yes there were wins along the road like there always is but being a compulsive gambler you always chase and when in front we dont quit do we ! Over a 9 month period doing this using my dad's bank account I lost around £1000 ( my dad was never out of pocket as i drew what money i had lost from my credit card and repaid him without my wife knowing ) I know this doesn't seem a lot to some people and believe me I've done a lot lot more than this in the past and know it could of being a lot worse had I not being caught out again ! The scary thing is though it wasn't until my wife printed out all the transactions from my dad's account to bookmaker that it showed me the compulsiveness had gripped me again !
I was first found out some 14 years ago after gambling since I was 15 years old and had to remortgage a large amount then.Then after the last time some 6/7 years ago when i was found out my wife decided after sometime apart to give things another go, even though this was against her families wishes and caused friction between them. I'm not going to lie things were rocky at times but i had to rebuild the trust with her and all the others that had been affected by my addiction to gambling. I was attending Carlisle and Blackpool GA meetings as n when i could due to my shift work. Things began to improve steadily as there were now things in place and the support network i now had in my wife, GA, friends and even my wife's family were there for me. Everyone said come and talk to us if you have thoughts or feel like gambling again and we will help you. I wll be honest to say that after a good while things were stronger n better than they had been at anytime before !!
Then when i stopped attending GA meetings thinking i can do this on my own and im not going to lie I did for a long while and never thought about gambling or even had a bet, but as everyone knows you can't do this on your own. As in any case all it takes is that 1st bet as little or big as it maybe and then you are back on that slippery road to ruin. Yes you guessed it i was now on this slippery road but rather than get back to GA or approach my wife or any other person that had offered me help i chose to carry on gambling thinking i could stop on my own as I felt so ashamed and embarrased to approach anyone that had offered to help previous to tell them i was gambling again, i just wish i had been big enough to ask for help rather than get found out yet again !!
This time it has cost me my marriage and all the heartache that will come with it. I have lost my best friend and soul mate in my wife (who deserves so much better), I also have so many bridges to mend and things to prove to my 2 son's (who are my world) and if they are not a big enough reason to kick this gambling addiction for once and for all I will grow old a very lonely man.
I am sorry if I've rambled on but I am now 25 days without gambling, but have a lot of things going on in my mind other than gambling at this moment as in losing my wife and marriage, but I did attend my 1st GA meeting back at Carlisle on 16th January and will be there again tomorrow and am awaiting some councilling. My new moto is "it's good to talk" and take it one day at a time
Cheers
Darren
Hi Darren,
I just wanted to say a very bit 'well done' on 25 days. Gambline costs us a lot more than money but it's great that you want to do the best by your sons and, knowing the damage gambling can do, you can set them up and protect them from this demon.
Thanks for posting your diary and I will keep an eye on it.
Here's to another gamble-free day 🙂
Phil
Hi Darren.
Its really great that you have written that down. You cant turn the clock back but you can become a better person and you will beat this addiction.
If anybody is reading this in a comfort zone of thinking willpower alone is enough...take note that this is what gambling has lined up in its spiral downwards to complete ruin
I hope and trust that you will build up a support network and talk through openly and honestly why you felt the need or urge to gamble and exactly how you did it. Its that openness that is the key to a born again moment.
Possibly when your wife sees what you are really doing some sort of contact can be built up. I hope your wife can see that its not like you planned it just to have a go at her. It has devastating effects but most compulsive gamblers arent computing where it will all end up. Im sure your sons see the good in you and it can be worked through. It doesnt make you a bad person and I detest what the gambling dens do to people.
That said I understand her decision and Im not going to soft soap it. Sometimes it takes an ultra low to really get help and really tackle this. You can get the support and you can become gamble free with a new outlook on life
Im so sorry to hear all the bad news and this is just how dangerous a gambling addiction is
Please ring gamcare as many times asyou like for the one to one voice.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Joydivide
Many thanks for those kind words they mean a lot. Unfortunately I don't think my wife will care what I am doing on here or anywhere else as it has done that much damage to her family life, I hope she would have a look but is that me just being selfish yet again ? I've got to do this for myself and by coming on here everyday sometimes a few times a day and reading people's story's and posting on them this is helping me at the moment but to be honest gambling hasn't entered my head because of all the other stuff going regards my family life with my wife and 2 sons, but I know there will come a time it will and that's when I need to be strong to deal with it !
All the Best
Darren
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