Recovery Journal - Day 2

Today is Day 1 (3)

After a good night of distractions and a solid sleep I feel good this morning. Feel like the pressure and ball of guilt that came with my gambling stretch recently is subsiding, which is largely due to the fact that I have measures in place again to prevent me from accessing web sites of phone apps to gamble, which include gamban as well as having self-excluded on any available casinos for another 2 year period. That makes me feel good and I have a sense of feeling lighter. Small steps lead to small successes, which in time turn into large successes.

Today I will not gamble.

JB 

Day 2 - feeling good today again. Surrounded by family for the Easter long weekend. Nice to see them and gives me an opportunity to relax from work, stressed and any time for making poor decisions. I feel in control, and today I will not gamble!

JB

Day 1 (4)

I hit a lot point today in that I could not reason with myself to not gamble. Went 4 days GF before another site was reactivated and offered me a bonus to deposit….feeling super guilty for not just self-excluding right away. Ended in a loss of $200 before I exlcuded for 5 years.

the next few months will have a few apps/casinos send me emails with reactivated account because I could only exclude for 1 year periods when I did. I need to find the strength and discipline I had over the past 7 months and self excluse indefinitely when this happens.

I am upset at myself and need to remeber why I am on my path. My hard earned money is better in my pocket or spent on things that improve my quality of life, or my families quality of life. All GF measures are once again in place - I will go more than 4 days this time…

for the rest of today I will NOT gamble

JB

Well...I went 8 days....got paid, and spent $500 gambling. I feel like I am getting no where right now in this battle. I tell myself not to, it's not worth it, but somehow I end up on a site, on my phone, where I can find a way to try and double up...it doesn't work.

I feel like I am starting to lose control, instead of gain control...I need a complete detox of this and have to set my mental game straight again. I need to find motivation and a goal to work towards for saving/paying off my remaining debts. 

I am a strong individual, but I let myself get the better of me sometimes. If i keep this up I am going to put myself into financial strain again, and I really REALLY do not want that. I have a meeting with my counselor next week and will discuss all this with him...hoping that will help me move in the right and forward direction again. I need to stop bleeding before it destroys other aspects of my life.

Debt free, vacation, Son, Wife - these are good starting points to remind myself of why I am doing this, aside from being a better version of me. If I have learned anything in the past 7 months it's that the best way to beat this is to not let it in at all...complete abstainence and self-exclusion from everything. I need to get back to this protocol.

I gambled away $500 this morning. BUT I will not gamble any more today. I will look forward to tomorrow, next paycheck, and onwards, remembering that the savings I do have are hard earned and can be much more useful elsewhere.

wishing everyone a good day and a hard fought battle - don't give in. Use your resources and friends when you are struggling.

JB

You got this! A very good outlook! Have you got all the bans in place to make sure you aren’t tempted again? 

@kaoj91ymxz 

thank you for your response! Yes I have self-excluded for 1 year on the site I was playing on…I should have gone 5 years. I tend to do that, account activates, I play $100-250 and then cash out winnings or play until I lose - than I self exclude for long periods of time…I need to find the strength to self-exclude any time an account comes up for activation.

i have gamban active, have unsubscribed to any and all casinos/apps ive ever played plus self excluded on everyone I have played…unfortunately several of those apps are coming up for reactivation in the next few monts - so I need to develope the self-descipline and strength to just self exclude again or dont activate altogether. I was doing really well with that from Oct 2024-April 2025…need to dig in here and get bakc to that mentality.

thanks for reading! Helps me get things out and talk through this 🙂

Day 1 (5)

I felt determined today, determined to get back on track after a few weeks of relapse. I spent some time last night going over my finances and making a plan/goal for the next 12 weeks; a target if you will to reach in terms of saving. When I hit that goal, I will make a new target for 12 more weeks. I found that looking at all my finances and earnings over the next quarter, and laying down a plan as to where funds should be going gave me a real sense of empowerment. I saw the whole picture, briefly...but enough to give me hope and show myself that I have been doing well and I can do MUCH MUCH better. 

Small wins. Today I did not gamble. Tomorrow is another day of much the same 😀 

JB

Been a few months since I’ve posted - and overall I’ve been doing okay. Ive gambled a bit recently, 3 times in the past 3 weeks and prior to that I had gone 7 weeks without. My losings are $500 and I have some guilt I am carrying, because I am still working on myself and actively trying to do everything in my ability to prevent gambling - but I tend to convince myself a quick deposit would be okay and won’t ruin me. Bad approach.

I gambled $250 today, in about 45 minutes and feel horrible. Mentally I failed myself again, emotionally I feel alone, and I know the main trigger I did it was because I am bored and on vacation.

My Gamban sub had also expired to I did not have my safety net in place the past 3 weeks meaning I could log on anywhere and throw away cash. I self exlcuded from the two sites I had been using and have Gamban again as of this morning. I know these measures are crucial to my improvement, battle, and journey.

I think that this vacation is the end of a chapter - I set goals for when I go back to reality which include going back to the gym, reading more and being more present with my son and wife. This has helped my immensely previously and should be the kick start I need to surpass my longest free streak of 122 days.

I gambled today but after writing this and looking through recoverme I feel better. I need to be more proactive on these forums as a reminder and have set an alarm to do an entry daily. It will help me get back on track.

Day zero starts now.

JB

Never gambled online myself as it seems rather sad sitting there looking at my phone or computer watching spinning wheels, and in any case there are plenty of other things on a computer to keep me interested.

One thing that does confuse me is that you keep getting bans lapse, I thought GAMBAN was permanent, but more importantly can't you block your bank card from allowing gambling transactions?

Day 1 (6) - yesterday I felt a lot of emotions - sadness, guilt, anger. I have admitted to myself and partner this is an addiction, and yesterday I revisited that conversation, goals and reasons why abstaining is a far better path - that got me angry for the first time in awhile. Instead of seeing it as a source of entertain, a chance to win, I felt like I was robbing myself of time and money. That made me think about my previous goals and reasons for quitting and reinforced many of them. I am angry with myself for snowballing in past, for not talking about my problem more, and for not looking foreward to better times when things are going good. 

I am better than this as for most of my life I did not gamble. I have self excluded from many websites now, but I think my next step is to talk more consistently with my partner when I am struggling. To look at my son and remember that he deserves much more than a father that blows money for nothing but a few moments at a chance to double up. 

Today is the end of my vacation. Tomorrow I get to start a new routine and feel a sort of fresh start in this pattern. I am going to break the wheel this time around-stay strong and carry on.

Today I will not gamble.

JB

@mg43i8s0te 

Online gambling is very much the same and a casino, pub, corner store or wherever you go to scratch the itch…the difference is it unfortunately is available to you at all times and requires a lot of self discipline and restraint to say no, at times.

also with online gambling they will take credit payments, bank payments and e transfers along with crypto currencies, so they are doing you zero favours in how you can access funds. I can be very difficult to get out of a snowball too as its all digital. I don’t recommend it.

I have been at this for 10 months now, can been gamble free 282 of those days - which is a vast improvement from the prior year. My downfall is when I feel comfortable financially, I lapse and under poor judgement throw my savings away. Not any more - I am done with it. I pray that I can call on the anger I have anytime I get an urge.

Day 2

I started this morning off waking up at 5am, much like I had been doing last year when I was in a good space and a solid routine. I made it to the gym this morning, then cooked up a nice healthy breakfast. I felt re-energized after vacation, as well as after a morning workout. While I awaited the eventual rising of my son, I listened to some therapeutic talks about gambling - this was an effort to revisit my triggers, coping, and quelling the urges. 

"Don't feed the ducks." If I can continue to remind myself of this, and remind myself of the anger, guilt and shame I feel after I have gambled, I can get back into the routine I was in from Sept-May, wherein I only gambled one day - except this time NO gambling.

Small steps in the right direction. Back to work for now.

Today I will not gamble.

JB

Day 3

This morning I woke up early again and made sure I got to the gym for a workout. I noticed today that, despite going to the gym and continuing my plan of routine, I am grumpy and upset. My therapy session yesterday was good and helpful. I was able to determine a few things about my feelings, my actions, and how to manage and cope with urges moving forward - namely that the anticipation of the action of gambling is actually more addicting, for me, than the action itself. That is because, when I tend to have urges, I end up debating in my head for hours about whether or not I should partake, what the pros and cons are, and most time end up justifying the action with stupid reasoning. I need to make more of an effort to distract myself during these times to quell the urge and move forward.

I am still angry, upset and ashame at myself...I know this feeling will hold for a short time while I get into a routine and reshape my thoughts. I deserve a better lifestyle than the woes of gambling, and my small and young family deserves a full version of me that they can appreciate, trust and confide in. That's what I want.

Today I will not gamble.

JB

Day 4

I had a late night last night and therefore did not attend the gym today, but rest is a good thing too. Back at it tomorrow morning. Overall I am feeling good this morning, a bit stressed from the flow of work coming at me - sucks cause I am trying to meet timelines while having much more work piled on me...means overtime without pay - stupid salary jobs.

My head has been in a good place the past two days and I am striving to be positive while honing my anger when I sense any urge to gamble - it is working! That makes me happy that I am recognizing the urges again, and instead of dwelling I am thinking about why I shouldn't gamble and then distracting myself with work and other activities. Feeling good!

Today I will not gamble!

JB

Day 5

Trust the process. I've said that before in posts and I still mean it - but this time around I feel I have a much strong mental approach to living a life I want to live without gambling. The determination to remain gamble free is there, the knowledge to recognize triggers and poor trains of thought is learned, and I have a desire to be happy, healthy and financially secure.

My attitude remains positive and I got a good amount of rest last night. I didn't go to the gym this morning but will be back at it tomorrow. Tonight I have organized sports for two hours which I am looking forward to, as well as a Chiropractic appointment - much needed from sleeping on a pull out couch for 10 days recently at our trailer!!

Keep pushing forward!

JB