Confused, regretful, stressed

Hi,

I'm on the other side of the fence but what you've posted strikes a chord. It's good that you're not sure but sorry, any uncontrolled speculation, especially with money that you don't have is gambling, not investing. Are you spread betting on financials? If so, the clue is in the name. It doesn't have to be casinos or bookies, gambling takes all sorts of forms and CFDs are up there with the rest of them. Doubling up is simply chasing losses. The CGs on the site can relate to the urge to make money but CFDs and spread betting lose it in the same way as the machines in the bookies do.

If you're losing more and more because you don't know when to stop, it's time to permanently self exclude from your on line accounts. Find the address in the contact section of the websites and do it in writing.

I'd urge you to act now, before you lose your shirt and possibly your family.

You can overcome this problem but with effort... Your call as to whether you make the effort but if you do your life will get better. If you read the stories and the advice on this site, you'll make a good start. But to stop the rot ... If you want to stop it...you will need to take positive steps.

Good luck,

CW

I would say that if it feels like a problem, then it is a problem. Investing in stocks/shares may seem a world away from people playing on FOBTs but they are both sides of the same coin at the end of the day.

Hi Cynical wife & Thank You for replying. Yes the answer to your question, is spreadbetting mainly for about 3 years now with increasing risk, at times moderated by bouts of sincere uncertainty but revived by optimistic hope (sometimes not always alcohol assisted).

I have just read through your posts, and can relate to your husbands mood swings. I can barely write these posts to be honest because I feel I need to continually research my stocks, and balance up any forthcoming contagion from the greek scenario which may affect my stock positions. Having just read 4 pages of a story to my little boy I cut the story very short because my mind is seriously, and regretfully permanently elsewhere in a seemingly unhealthy place.

My turmoil is partly stemmed from missed opportunities in the markets. When I look back at some of my old positions, I do so with head and hands seeing position that had I left open, would have made me considerable profit but sold on the old adage of fear . . . I haven't been in the fortunate position long enough for the opposing greed to take hold and my fear is if I close my account down tomorrow I never will, but may continually regret further missed opportunities.

I work nights, so will going to work shortly but I have some thinking to do. Thanks so far.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I'm no expert in the mindset but my understanding is you need to draw a line under your losses be it on the markets or the FOBTs. Write them off, trust me, it's a lot cheaper! And you know the warning on the adverts and the website that you can lose more than your stake?

My husband tells me that he finds GA helpful, he's not the only person who was spread betting. There are many different issues with gambling but it is all gambling and to be fair to him, there are signs of improvement.

Please do think carefully this evening! The mood swings are horrific to live with.

BW,

CW

CW, It could be worse of course I realise that. In terms of the mindset I have always felt like an unachiever and hate that feeling. At 39 and with a considerable mortgage and outgoings (made worse by me obviously), in order to stop I partly have to resign myself to the idea that this is as good as it gets. Although I realise the defeatist slant there, of course success doesn't have to be an instant fix and I should try to persuade myself neither does it have to be financial.

Even though my wife as a teacher earns more than me, I look after all our finances. Always have from when she was on maternity leave, our eldest is 10 now. I'm making a bit of a mess of it obviously, but its not irrepairable. I need though to be able to accept that I've wasted 3 years which I think is the harder part. I want so much to tell my wife but I fear the worst if I do. Confiding would ease the burden, but my childhood was broken and even a slight risk of seperating our family is tormenting to me. God, I wish I'd never started ; thought I was learning a "trade" of some kind. If I give in now its all been a waste, but carry on like you say I could just make it worse. Going on holiday in 3 weeks and already worried this will ruin it for me, worrying and stressing over it all. The kids deserve their daddy back in full, I know. Wish I could just hit the reset button on the last 3 years.

One other thing - our losses were telephone numbers. Get out whilst you can.

CW

Just read your last post.

You will need help, will power is doomed to failure. One of the said positive steps is to get that help. The usual suggestion is counselling and or GA, whichever works.

re earning, it's a Mars Venus thing and I know men don't like earning less than their wives. Please be assured that women are much less bothered but they do like their talents to be respected. I earn as much as him now but he supported us when the kids were small. Who earns what has never worried me. What does bother me is him having lived a lie for most of our marriage and the dishonesty that has pervaded his original integrity. Amongst other aspects, he's tricked me into paying for all the household spending to free up his wages for spread betting. And for the last few years I put his behaviour down to the earning issue and kept trying to placate him when actually it was addiction. And worse of all he let me find out the hard way.

You still have the chance to get back on track, I would urge to take it but as ever it's down to you.

Best wishes,

CW

One last thing...if you seriously want to stop then you shouldn't be looking after the family finances. I've spent hours studying bank statements and the decline is striking. The betting increases to overtake the household spending, the overdraft increases, credit cards, then a lower wage after the recession and on to the children's money. He totally lost his moral compass and with it his pride.

Don't go there, no good comes from a CG having uncontrolled access to money or credit. Read any of the CG posts, even if they're not spread betting it's the same sentiment. Let your wife take over and you should only have access to a joint account with a minimal balance that she can monitor.

BW,

CW

Hi, I know nothing of what you talk about but there is someone on the diary section @ the moment who moved onto the stockmarket & has blown their entire pension fund! More importantly to me, the child of a CG, are the pitiful 4 pages you managed before the stress dragged you away! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but that speaks volumes, you have a problem & it's time to draw a line under it & move forwards with your life! It's easy for us 'gamblers' to look back & justify why we needed more money, don't look back & wish you'd had more time! Money counts for nothing when you have no Daddy to spend it with! You already wish you hadn't started & I can assure you, you don't want to be looking back in a few years time & wish you had stopped! I can look back on almost 3 decades of damage, if only I'd gone to another shop, played a different machine or 3, the list it endless but it's all irrelevant - I cannot win because I cannot stop! You need to look @ what achievement is...You have 2 children that you care for very much & although it is hard, you have a roof over their heads & a healthy fear that you don't want them growing up the way you did! If you're an underachiever, my sister who died proud as punch because she had 2 beautiful children despite living rent free in a council house & having about thruppence to her name was very much mistaken & I for one refuse to accept that!

Please believe you do have a problem, phone Gamcare, get help, do whatever you need to do to stop this now before you unwittingly do any more harm to your loved ones!

You can beat this - ODAAT

How are you doing, I note you haven't replied.

No, we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear (ie that spread betting's fine - it's not) but please don't be put off.

BW,

CW

Hi. Yesterday I attended my mother inquest. She died on new years day this year after a heavy drinking session. Today I have been thinking about her age (died at 63), and how old she was during parts of her life when I was a kid & comparing it with my own age & my childrens ages. I have been feeling extremely depressed all day & worrisome. However, I certainly don't want to use that as an excuse for any of my behaviours. I love my kids to pieces, & know my mum loved us too, though far too often preceeded our presence with alchohol or gambling and mostly was absence as a result. The absence broke my heart as my parents were already seperated and the absence was mostly after promised weekend visits (we lived with our dad).

Today I have reduced my positions on Spreadex. I haven't yet closed them all down. I know this isn't the answer. I am however weaning until I capitulate to common sense before my family holiday in 2 weeks time. I don't want to be thinking about it on holiday, or worrying about how I am going to juggle finances to cover the losses again. I'm still very against telling my wife, as honestly would prefer to deal with this myself and get help from smartrecovery who I have had a few sessions with in the past but never maintained.

So, I am still here, still thinking. Taking some action but not enough in the hope I suppose if I'm honest that some of my losses may be regained before I close my positions down. I know this sounds crazy in a sense, as they could still get worse, but regardless I will be closing everything down at the end of the month. I will then stop doing this, have a holiday reflect on the holiday and on returning start visiting Smart Recovery again for general addiction help. I know I need it. Thanks.

Am v disappointed to see your last post, that you have thought but not actually acted. That is known as lip service. Family difficulties are unfortunate, they may possibly explain but never excuse your gambling. My own thoughts are for your wife and children who have no idea that they are heading for a fall.

CW

Tomorrow is the day I act. I will be closing my account down tomorrow. Success is not going to happen this way, I will have to just accept it. But not feeling good about it, shockingly bad in fact. I have arranged a temporary payment holiday on the mortgage so that I can pay the debt back over the next 6 months or so. I need some ongoing help too, and will be contemplating the best solution whilst on holiday. I accept my previous comments can be portrayed as lip service, and accept denial has been a large part of my life. My motives have been confused though. I will post again tomorrow when I have closed the account down.

CGs who stop act today, not tomorrow.