Dear all, this isn’t the first time I have been here, I have dipped in and out when I’m in crisis. This time is different, I want and have to stop. Before I think I was kidding myself, thinking I needed to stop because I’d been caught but not really wanting to deprive myself of an activity I thought I really enjoyed. In hindsight I was just fooling myself! I actually don’t really feel when I’m gambling, I’m in a bubble and I’m not thinking, feeling or enjoying anything, just getting myself into more and more trouble. I am the life and soul of the party and everyone always says how happy I am and what a lovely caring person I am! That’s how good I am at lying as inside I’m so sad and unhappy.
I have gambled on and off for about 15 years, more on than off. I could have bought a house with the amount I have lost over the years. I suffer with really bad anxiety and I wonder why!!! Most days I am in a stressed state working out ways to cover my tracks so that my husband doesn’t find out. I have borrowed money, used husbands money without his consent, I have spent rent money, I have left us with absolutely nothing for the month at times and all for this activity I supposedly enjoy! I am deceitful and at times shameless with some of the things I have done to get money into my account to gamble away!
Now I am here again because yes I got found out again. I went through the emotions of being upset (which I always feel at the time), feeling suicidal with guilt I feel and then when one step further this time and made a phone call for support. This all worked and I thought I was on the right road, waiting for a few days for my 1 - 1 phone assessment and then 24 hours later I had gambled another 1k of my husbands money!!! What is wrong with me!!! I’m so disgusting. My husband is so broken and i do it again and again!!!
So today, Gamstop in my name and his because I use his name too! Bank cards all blocked to gambling sites. 1 - 1 counselling session at 6pm today. THIS time I want to stop for me.... not because I feel I should. I hope this will be the difference for me because to be honest, I’m not sure I can survive another set back. This is all my doing, all my own fault and I realise I am completely out of control. My anxiety is through the roof and my thoughts of not wanting to be around anymore are quite strong so for my husband and my daughter I must get better and for MYSELF....
I know this post is long and I know I probably sound really selfish. For the pain I have caused my closest.... I can’t apologise anymore, it doesn’t mean anything, I have to prove it with my recovery.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramble. I will not be dipping out this time.... this time I’m here to recover!
Hi moomoo67, I was you 133 days ago today. Your story is so very similar to mine I'm 54 now and had a 20+ year v bad relationship with firstly bingo then online bingo and slots. I was found out when my husband logged into his premium bond account and found out my guilty secret that I had cashed out 5k I spilled it all then...credit cards maxed...overdraft maxed etc. I know how bad you feel, how sorry you are, how anxious and depressed you are. Everyone too thought I was a happy go lucky bubbly person, how wrong they were, constantly trying to find money for gambling, covering my tracks, deleting computer history, changed phone numbers on accounts so they didn't contact my husband. The list goes on and on and it's all shameful. But go back to my first sentence, that was 133 days ago I last gambled June 4th ...June 5th I reclaimed my life and you can too. With hard work, determination, all the blocks in place and professional help it will get better. Get one thing straight in your mind you are an addict addiction is for life, it will always be there but you can be in recovery and get your life back I am actually bubbly again,happier,calmer, very little anxiety. Think about gamblers anonymous as well when you have had some counselling, feeling less emotional, I do weekly meetings and it really is helping me move forward and effect change, I don't intend to waste another second on gambling, gambling is evil time away from it will prove to you how bad it is. I love this forum as well I log in every day read people's stories and I'm always moved by someone's plight and suffering. Today your post jumped out at me, keep posting others will reply you will get advice and support as compulsive gamblers in recovery want to help other compulsive gamblers succeed.
Thank you so much.... it means a lot to get supportive replies. I half expected people to say how selfish and disgusting I am!
I am going to log on every day and keep myself inspired by reading people’s support for each other.
I actually thought I had been gambling about 15 years but realised on my account I joined here in 2012 Which probably means 20 years gambling! It shocked me that I have been fighting this for so long.
It feels different for me this time though... I feel I really want to stop, I want to change and understand my triggers and emotions that make me do it. Not had that before.
Well done to you though and I hope we continue to stay supporting each other... I’m 53 in a couple of weeks so looks like we are about the same age, with the same gambling history and on the same journey of recovery xx
@moomoo67 You shouldn't apologise for a few lines on a post for an illness that you've had for 15-20 years.
I'm a believer in that if you need to get something off your chest and leave it somewhere else then you should be free to do so. I'd much rather read your story than about the weather or someone's grass needing cutting(just an example, not a specific example for anyone thinking it is about them).
Just try to accept that you are ill and compulsive gambling is an addiction. I said sorry and I promise so many times that they really meant nothing after a while. Now when I've said sorry in order to make amends to everyone I've hurt, it means it because I've not relapsed.
It can be done, it does take effort, but it is worth it. Maybe find a GA meeting too, they're invaluable towards recovery.
Try to keep your diary on here updated, don't just disappear. Reading how you're progressing is sometimes the boost I need.
Good luck to you.
Chris.
Hello moomoo,
Well done on coming here. I am similar to you I have gambled for 18 years.
I understand why you feel anxious and ashamed I too have felt the same and its a by-product of gambling. It also doesn't mean you don't love your husband. It means you care about his feelings......
You are at the right place for help and support. I wish you well on your journey and time does heel.
? Best wishes
Toad
thank you Chris for your words of encouragement... yes it’s amazing how many people have this illness.
I am completely out of control at the moment and feel this is my first steps in a life long journey.
I won’t disappear this time.... I’m fully committed to my recovery... which being honest is probably my first time of being committed not just doing it because I feel I should.
Thanks again and I will keep an eye out for you ?
It is only an idea Moo but would you consider handing over all financial control to your husband for several months?
You could have a separate bank account with a small amount in for yourself and carry a supermarket gift card with a £100 or £150 balance on it for household purchases.
Best wishes.
Aum
Hi moomoo
A powerful story that most of us can identify with. Group chat every night 8pm helps a lot. I wish you and your family the very best of luck.
Thank you for your reply. My husband not great with online banking so not sure I could do it. All blocks in place now On our cards so I’m not worried about going online gambling now and also my daughter has put Gamstop on for me and in my husbands name to stop me using his name.
I don’t do any other form of gambling, never do scratch cards or anything like that and not bookies etc.
Thank you for replying and taking the time to give me suggestion.
X
Just had my assessment for my 1 - 1 counselling. Wow I’m exhausted but it was really useful and the lady was so lovely and supportive.
Day 1 has been extremely hard but I feel it has been very constructive. My aim is to prove to my family and to myself that I can do it. I want to be happy again. X
This all breaks my heart, moomoo67 I am in the same place as you, I dislike myself, I don’t know what it’s like to feel normal anymore, I don’t even know why I gamble! I’m not materialistic and if I didn’t do this vile demon thing I’d have quite a nice life, winning a lot of money isn’t what it’s about for me, it’s an escape.
it all started when my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness and jeez did she suffer, she was in such a bad way she would beg me to end her life, 3 whole years she suffered, it ripped my heart out (or rather felt like it) on top of all this I’m a full-time carer to my daughter who has brain damage, over 2 years she had to have 5 heart procedures, these online sites took me to another world until I had no bank balance. With this pandemic it’s again sparked my demon out of control, I worry about my daughter catching Covid.
Since it’s spiralled out of control (again) I’ve lost 3 stone, I was a little overweight now I’m vastly under weight, I feel guilty for eating, also I can control that. I’m the past I’ve tried to end my life due to it (no I’m not suicidal, that would mean my daughter would have to go in supportive living (I would not put my worst enemy in a place like that, I’ve worked within that sector so know how some of these people are treated, sorry if that offends anyone but it’s my personal experience and view) nobody knows about my filthy vile secret life, I let nobody get that close if I’m honest.
I’m registered on Gamstop which is a fantastic but these awful other sites unlicensed, mainly from Curacao are destroying me.
i constantly feel sick to the pit of my tummy, I live a horrible secret life, I hate it, saying I’ve lost my mojo is an understatement, I just wish I could talk to someone, anyone and hand my finances over, I am so dam lonely but I’m not alone, my life could be so much better if I could stop, yes I’ve done lots of reading & research, I get no respite as such as I do work to make ends meet, I work so hard to get through, I have to, twice this week I’ve had to pull over to be sick as I lack energy and I do a very physical job. In 2 weeks I have gambled 12-1400 pounds, I now need to borrow money to pay my rent, moomoo67 I feel we are at the same level of how low we feel.
I will beat this demon but getting to a GA meeting is difficult as I can’t take my daughter, I am so ashamed of what I am.
people where do I start in stopping please?
Hi moo,
Your story jumped out at me as I used to use my husbands money to fund my habit also, the guilt was through the roof! I would make excuses to not do family things so I had more time on my phone on the many stupid casino sites. I even resented simple things like cooking for my kids, all I wanted to do was gamble it was horrendous! I'm a stay at home mum so money was tight to begin with and I made it so much worse. The thoughts of ending things came to me daily. My husband was silently picking up on my mood swings and phone time but he waited until I just blurted it all out one Sunday morning after another sleepless night. I relapsed once after that confession then that was it.
Apologies my my long post I just wanted you to know that despite how bad you think the situation is it will get so much better. I'm over two years into my recovery now and although thoughts of gambling haven't disappeared entirely I have my life back and the trust of my husband.
You sound like you are doing all the right things for your recovery. Take one step at a time, you can do this!!
D x
Hi msdespair12,
Sorry to hear you are struggling with your gambling. It sounds like you have had a very difficult time supporting and caring for your mother and daughter. You say that you are social isolated so I am pleased that you are able to get support from the forum even if you are unable to get to GA meetings. I am concerned that you have lost a large amount of weight and wonder if you would be able to see your GP about how you are feeling and ask for some support. If you are struggling to pay your rent and bills you can call a debt charity like nationaldebtline.org or StepChange.org for advice. If you would like more support and information for your gambling problem please contact the 24/7 national gambling helpline on 0808 8020 133.
Best Wishes
ClareH
Forum Admin
To say I am grateful to each of you for your messages of support would be an understatement. It lifts me that you all took time out to reply to my post. Thank you all.... seriously you’re support is unexpected but very much needed and appreciated.
@gambling_toad
I hope I haven’t missed anyone.... I feel it’s important to thank you all along with the guys I have already replied to....
Your story is heartbreaking and yes it sounds like we are in the same place of self loathing and anxiety. Please please stay on here, I hope we can support each other. Please see your GP about your weight loss.... You have so much to live for so not eating is just making you weaker and weaker.... let’s do this together.... please honey, get some support from your GP too xxxx
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Hi Moo,
Well done for coming back. You won’t be the first to take action as you’ve been found out and you won’t be the last. Unfortunately this illness does cause us compulsive gamblers to be deceitful at times so we always run the risk of our deceit being uncovered.
You would determined to make a change which is always a good starting point. Don’t be too harsh on yourself for what’s happened in the past, just look forward to what you can do in the future.
I’m 24 days into my latest recovery (first tried nearly 4 years ago) and I can hand on heart say I feel better by the day, Even though I have gambled in recent years I did have an element of control but lockdown brought out the worst in my addiction. I have been lucky in that my job hasn’t been impacted and with little going on my disposal income was far greater than usual. Thankfully I did pay off some more of my debts and then got into share trading and when sports resumed, online sports betting. I was doing well, I made around 80% profit on the share trading at one point and the sports betting was going well. But I was becoming obsessed with both and anxious about where my next profit or win would be. This carried on from April to late Aug until I had a bad run and lost pretty much all I had saved. And I came on here and have not looked back. The forum and chat room have been a great support for me.
I’ve also got counselling which starts next week, an 8 week course through the Northern Gambling Service (NHS)
I hope today is a good day for you and many more to come. Things can and will get better.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
